One Year Later

por , viernes febrero 8, 2019
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One Year Later

 

When I was 15, I was very close to becoming a teen suicide statistic. Then in a moment, all my loved ones flashed before my eyes and I made a promise that if God brought me through this I would never try to take my own life again. 

"There are far, far better things ahead than what we leave behind." 

I'm not allowed to talk about suicide in my home. It scares my grandparents and my father to death and I don't normally talk about it anymore. Except for today, today I have to talk about it. 

8760 hours

365 days

52 weeks 

12 months

1 year. 

1 year ago. 

One year ago, I tried to take my own life. One year ago, I made a promise to never try to take my own life ever again. Four years ago I found a show; a show that babysat me, helped me get through my insomnia and gave me hope. Hope that things would get better and that in the end, we can get past it all. 

My life in a way ended last year. I remember seeing a white light and all my loved ones flashed before my eyes. One thought entered my head "They aren't going to know and they aren't going to understand." It was at that moment that I put my family first, my loved ones first. I realized that I was throwing away my future. Why? Because two days prior my favorite show had gotten canceled and the day before I was told that I would never go to a convention to meet two incredible actresses who have impacted my life in so many wonderful ways. 

 

It sounds dumb but I was afraid of what would happen after OUAT ended. I was afraid of the unknown; I'm not anymore. Cause God's got me in the palms of his hands. 

This past year has been full of learning. 

1) Learning to let go

2) Learning to let God

3) Learning about what I'm going to do in life

And endless other things. 

4) Entering NHS, Academic Team and the Archery team

5) Writing a novel 

6) Rebecca Mader followed me (she helped me a lot in 2017) 

7) Beginning Kindness Cures

8) No more anxiety

9) Hope that when I do die I'll go to Heaven 

 

I honestly believe that last year I was just scared. I have lost so many people and so much that I didn't know what I was going to do. I was afraid I would lose Lana and Bex. I did say goodbye to them in November but I'm okay. I promise. I'm 365 days clean. It's been a year of healing; a year of keeping my promise. I told God that if I survived this I would never take my own life ever. It's a promise I intend to keep. 

My mental illnesses no longer bother me. The fact that there's no more OUAT doesn't bother me. 

4 years ago I gained three things to help me cope. OUAT was honestly the biggest and when I lost that I lost a part of me and I didn't see God's plan for my life. I didn't understand. That's why I tried to take my own life.

If I had succeeded I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have this. 

"Don't look back; you're not going that way." 

 

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