KvindeRomaniaMedlem siden 24 jul. 17Last online 20 hours ago

  • DeeundDrang
    1 years agoSvar
    Beautiful poems! I like them because they are short. And they are beautiful because of the sad note some of them have :) Keep up the good work!
    air like water
    air like water
    3
    896
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    air is like water cause i'm drowning slowly -a.b
    shepley
    1 years ago
    thanks a lot! That means the world to me. And I will :)

  • DeeundDrang
    1 years agoSvar
    Hello,
    I'm Denise, one of the Movellas Staff. "Birth of Alba" isn't in the correct category. It might be fantasy, but the characters you write with are not your own, so could you please change from fantasy to "Fan Fiction"? Fans of that video game will know that it's fantasy.
    Thank you!
  • DeeundDrang
    1 years agoSvar
    What can I say, Stiles caught my attention. At first I thought it will be about him, but nope, you were inspired by his dark, evil self from - what was it? s3a or b? - yeah.
    Points for the summary! It's something of a rarity here to find well-written summaries. Also points for the cover (which, damn, that's dark and dangerous - and hot) and for the title. I like the idea behind this story because the government declaring war on mental illness? Wow. That'd be the straw that broke the camel's back if it ever happened in RL.
    Also, you need to pay attention to the sentences that come after the dialogue; unless it's "he says", you usually just put a period and then the narrated sentence will start with a capital letter.
    For example: ”Wrench, please,” the garage reeks of oil.
    Minor change: "Wrench, please." The garage reeks of oil.
    Or you can leave the line of dialogue alone and hit enter for the rest of the narration.
    Or:
    "The garage reeks of oil.

    ”Wrench, please.”

    Mitch’s hands are covered in ink dark colors, as he reaches out from the hood of his old car. I look at his toolbox, and note that I have absolutely no idea what he’s talking about. So I stuff a duct tape into his open hand."

    Then there are a lot of descriptors (especially of the voice) that you could do without. Make it simple: "he says", "I say", "dad says", and then add the way the voice sounds in the next sentences, if the words are grumbled, growled, if there are echoes of anger or sadness or something unidentifiable that puts his hairs on end. Golden rule (this is the third time I repeat this): show, don't tell. Don't tell me exactly how it sounded, describe it using the character that narrates or the way it echoes (if it's a room\whatever with echo).
    Sometimes, however, you don't need to focus on these details. Sometimes it's better to let the reader imagine, and after you read enough (both literature and fanfiction) you will learn how to express those sounds by simply writing the character's line without adding anything afterwards. Or you can always help yourself by making another character note on the way those words sound (which also helps conversations move forward AND help you make the characters feel more real to your reader).
    All the best and may you continue to be inspired! :)
    Avalanche
    Avalanche
    0
    205
    1
    Twins, Bat & Mitch, are running for their lives. Chaos is rising as the government declares war on mental illness, and Bat, suffering from a personality split disorder, is suddenly finding himself in...
  • DeeundDrang
    1 years agoSvar
    Hello!
    Awesome cover and title, but you need to work on your summary. It can get a thousand times better if you're careful how you word it and pay attention to punctuation. Also, a bit of mystery never hurt anybody (unless we're in a Doyle or Agatha Christie story). If the summary revealed a lot of the plot, then the first chapter kind of sealed the deal. That's enough information about the world you're building in this story to make me forget those details by the time I finish the next chapter.
    Word of advice: pepper that information throughout the chapters you have posted. Use the characters to shed light on some things, use narration to light others. Strike a balance between narration and dialogue and the story will flow better. Also, watch out for predictable plot twists. You give yourself away by letting your narrator say so much. Show, don't tell. Golden rule every writer should have it ingrained in their mind.
    Also, out of curiosity, why does it feel like you're going with the overused trope of a love triangle?
    All the best and may your muse keep you company!
    Mates Of Faith
    Mates Of Faith
    3
    1568
    5
    Niana knows who her mate is, it was chosen for her before her birth, she will create the Red Moon pack with Ramuel, but when an old friend of Niana shows up after 11 years. Suddenly everything is turned...
    DeeundDrang
    1 years ago
    1 Like
    Oh, I didn't pay much attention to the tags. It's just the overall feeling the story left me. Besides, you do say in your summary that there are 2 Alphas (and then the stranger, whose name I like; reminds me of Ezra Pound). You don't have to tell me it could be anybody else. You need to *convince* me through your story that it's not what I think. You wanted "any kind of feedback". I always go for constructive criticism; when I see something that doesn't sit well with me, I point it out. Simple as that! XD
    And that kind of information might be common for them, something like traditional things in each country or family, but that doesn't mean that you cannot *show* them throughout the story. You have kids in the pack, use them to ask about certain dynamics; now you have Ezra, use him to shed light over other things, more serious or their history (make him compare his old pack to the new one). Even when the characters in question talk (like the conversation for allowing Ezra into the pack) you can slowly uncover information about the world they live in and the dynamics within the pack; even history.
    As you can see, you have a plethora of opportunities to do that without telling the reader the theory from the get-go. Trust me, it won't stick with him\her. You've a better chance at that if you keep showing them in your story.
    If I come across as too harsh or you don't like this type of comments, tell me and I'll stop altogether. No harm, no foul.
    DeeundDrang
    1 years ago
    I see. Well, if you add more to the prologue in the chapters you haven't posted yet, then it's okay. And now you know to check the summary before posting it for such typos XD
    Good luck with this story! :)
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