A War in Which There Are Copious Amounts of Cake and Large Weapons

Who will triumph, Prodigy's DWATILNLTDE or Raven's Dauntless Army? Or possibly Rodrigo.R.R.Goldlight's FISH ARMY? (Nahhhh, not the stupid fish.) In this good-natured battle which is a complete and total joke, you might just find out. This was not based off of anyone else's movella, but rather a series of conversations about which you would know, if you were a part of them. Anyone can read this, however, assuming you do not take it seriously in any way.


1. 1.Cake is not a weapon.

    Prodigy surveyed the land with her wand in hand. 

    “What is it, Prodigy?” Hermione asked from her side.

    Prodigy turned dramatically, gesturing at the sea of people clothed in black. “That is the Dauntless army. You best get Snape.”

    She nodded and hurried off. Prodigy climbed down off the hill to return to her army. It was almost cake time. 

    “Ah, thank you, Dobby,” she said, taking a slice of cake from the tray he held. “You’re the best.”

    At the first bite, she shuddered, it was so delicious. The rich chocolate cake with smooth creamy icing was like heaven on a plate. She felt sorry for those Dauntless fools.

    Standing amidst the Dark-Wizard-army-that-is-literally-nothing-like-the-Death-Eaters, or DWATILNLTDE as she affectionately called them, a sudden cheer went up. Prodigy instantly knew what was happening. She cast her gaze to the pedestal on which a huge ornate chair sat, for this purpose only.

    Everyone gazed at the chair in wonder as Draco Malfoy took his seat, smirking the unparalleled smirk that could only come from someone with an alias of Tom Felton. Prodigy sighed. This was the best place in the world. She was so happy at that moment that she cast a patronus. A giant dragon burst from her wand, flying towards the Dauntlesss army with a roar. Prodigy smiled.




    Literally Raven Reed put her hands on her hips and surveyed the argument. “Oh, stop it, you two. Can you stop fighting for literally two minutes?”

    Tris rubbed her elbow resentfully and glared at Peter. “He literally started it,” she said.

    Peter dabbed his lip with a whimper. 

    “Did you literally just whimper?” Raven demanded.

    “Not literally,” he lied.

    “You are literally supposed to be Dauntless for goodness sake!” she shouted, whipping the piece of Dauntless cake that she just happened to suddenly be holding at his face. 

    “Ow!” he cried. “That cake literally hurt!”

    Raven pushed her black hair back from her face. “Is that so?”

    “It was literally a waste of cake, though,” Uriah pointed out, surveying its sad remains on the dirty ground. “You don’t happen to have another piece, do you? I literally didn’t eat breakfast.”

    “They literally just made three fresh batches,” Christina said, licking her fingers.

    Everyone turned to look at her.

    “What? They literally let me lick the bowl,” she said.

    Uriah’s brows shot up as he hurried towards the dilapidated food tent. 

    “Wait!” Raven called to him. “Don’t eat that literal cake.”

    He glared at her. “Why not? It's literally the best thing ever!”

    Raven grinned evilly. “I literally have other plans for it.”




    “Voldemort!” Snape snapped. “Get your hand out of there.”

    The Former-Dark-Lord’s eyes narrowed to slits. “Why? Why don’t I get cake?”

    “Because you killed Lily Evans,” Snape retorted.

    “I’ll crucio-”

    “Oh, shut it,” Prodigy snapped. “Snape’s in charge here and if you’re lucky, he’ll let you kill a couple of Dauntless, okay?”

    “Fine...” Voldemort pouted. “Though I’d work better with cake.”

    Prodigy rolled her eyes. “Go torture some small animal.”

    “I wonder what a fish looks like being tortured,” he mused, glancing towards the lake beside which they were camped. “Malfoy! Bring me a fish.”

    Draco glanced down from his throne of sorts and Voldemort saw him. “No, not you, Draco. You’re the eye candy, you can’t leave your throne, don’t be foolish. Lucius, you’re just wasting away down here, go get me a fish. Gosh, do you even attempt to look halfway decent these days?”

    “Sorry, my Lord,” Lucius muttered, rubbing his unshaven chin.

    “I’m your Lord now,” Snape snapped. “He’s nothing.”

    “Right,” Lucius said, bowing to Snape. “Sorry, My Lord.” Voldemort glared at Lucius until he looked back over. “And sorry, ‘nothing’.”

    Voldemort rolled his eyes. “The fish, man, the fish!”

    “Oh, right...”

    “No!” Prodigy said, stopping him. “The fish are our allies, there’ll be no torturing them.”

    Voldemort shot her a pouty look.

    “If they join Dauntless, maybe,” Prodigy conceded and he brightened. 

    A large bass that may-or-may-not-be-named-Rod jumped out of the lake, shouting as only a fish can shout, “PSYCH (COMMA) WE JOINED RAVEN(APOSTROPHE)S ARMY (EXCLAMATION POINT) SO HA (EXCLAMATION POINT)”

    Snape’s face hardened into a mask of anger. “Have at them, Voldy.”

    Voldemort shared a greedy grin with Lucius who just looked tired. “BELLATRIX, DARLING!” he called. “Are you up for some fishing?”
    Snape shook his head and pulled Prodigy aside. “I have been considering some strateg-” 

    Snape’s head jerked forward with a SPLAT. 

    “What was-” Prodigy began when a gooey blob of something that looked like mud slammed into her shoe. 

    Snape pulled the mess from his stringy hair and examined it. He sniffed it. “I think it is cake.”

    “Cake?” Prodigy scoffed. “They can’t beat us with cake.”

    “I don’t know, it kind of hurt.”

    “Oh, pull yourself together, Severus.”

    Snape looked up at the sky from which the cake had come. Tiny brown specks littered the sky and suddenly one of them got bigger and bigger, hitting Snape right in the face. Silently, Prodigy handed him a towel that she conjured out of nowhere. He growled and snatched from her hand, wiping off his face. 

    “Immobulus!” Prodigy shouted, sounding bored. The cake stopped, hovering in the air. She snatched a piece and bit into it. “Dobby’s is way better. This tastes like burnt concrete.”

    Night, appearing out of nowhere, tried a piece and agreed. “I don’t even have the words to describe this abomination.”

    “Give it a try,” Snape growled.

    “Well, it’s awful, distasteful, gruesome, hateful, horrific, loathsome, nasty, outrageous, repugnant, scandalous, shameless, shocking, vile, vulgar, foul, gross, nauseating, revolting, stinking, beastly, detestable, frightful, ghastly, hideous, horrid, icky, lousy, monstrous, offensive, rotten, sleazy, yecchy, yucky, abhorrent, atrocious, awful,” she drew in a breath and continued, “bad, base, beastly, contemptible, cursed, despicable, disgusting, foul, grim, grody, gross, hairy, hateful, heinous, hellish, horrible, horrid, loathsome, lousy, nauseating, obnoxious, odious, offensive, repellent, reprehensible, repugnant, repulsive, revolting, rotten, sleazy, stinking, terrible, vile, wretched.” Night finished. “Period.”

    Both Snape and Prodigy blinked at her. “Thank you for that accurate assessment,” Snape said.

    Night nodded and glided away.

    “You have cake on your face,” Prodigy pointed out to Snape.

    Snape scowled. “Let us give them something worse than cake on their faces.”

    “What, scars?” Prodigy asked, trotting to catch up with his long strides. “‘Cause I think Voldemort has a monopoly on that one.”

    “What?” Snape demanded, quickening his pace towards the Dauntless army. “No  he doesn’t.”

    “No, really,” Prodigy insisted. “He got the copyright license last week on scars-on-faces-that-he-didn’t-put-there. Made Lupin pay him a thousand Galleons for that scar on his face.”

    “Where did Lupin get a thousand Galleons?” Snape asked with a scowl.

    Prodigy frowned. “Do you...er.... generally lock the door to your house?”

    He gave her a sideways look. “Yes.”

    Prodigy ducked her head. “Er, well, it seems you forgot last week.”

    Snape’s eyes flashed. 

    “That’s right,” Prodigy said cheerily, patting him on the arm. “Focus all that anger on the Dauntless.”

    Leaving Snape fuming, Prodigy trotted up to Draco’s platform.

    “Hey, this is my moment to shine!” he said petulantly.

    Prodigy rolled her eyes. “You have an hour every day to shine. Relax.” She turned to the crowd, raising her hands. “Can I have your attention?”

    She was blocking Draco from the crowd and therefore everyone immediately lost interest. “Guys!” she said, “Your attention please?”

    Draco pushed her out of the way and stepped in front. Instantly, everyone went silent and stared in awe. He flashed Prodigy a cocky grin and a few girls in the crowd fainted. “See? That’s how it’s done. Now what do you want me to say? If I told them to go jump into the lake, I bet they’d do it.”

    A few people at the edge of the crowd moved towards the lake. 

    “No, no!” he backpedaled, “Don’t jump in the lake.”

    They stopped.

    “Tell them that were moving against the Dauntless now. Tell them to get their wands and to not eat the cake that’s floating in the air unless they want to throw up.”

    Draco relayed the message and followed Prodigy to catch up with Snape. Draco looked at his commander. 

    “You have cake on your face,” he pointed out.

    Snape glared. 



AN: JOIN MY ARMY - the DWATILNLTDE!!!!! Because we're going to win. If you want to join, just comment. If you object to being written into the story, just say so. I'm not doing applications or anything 'cause that's too serious for this, but if your username can't be turned into a nickname, then please provide one or you won't be written in. I have no idea how far this thing is going to go.


By the way, this is a completely random demonstration of how I have too much time on my hands. But it was fun to write, so who knows where it will go :)




NO. DON'T LISTEN TO PRODIGY. THE DAUNTLESS ARE OBVIOUSLY WAY AWESOMER THAN THE DWTLDNE or whatever the heck it's called. And new recruits get Dauntless cake. Or cupcakes. Your choice. So just say I WANT CAKE in the comments and we'll add you to the Dauntless part on the next page. Then you'll (probably) appear in the story. Just a slight warning, though... if you sign up on either army, you'll probably be (slightly) made fun of. Just so you know. Then you can laugh at yourself.

Oh yeah, I'mNotReadyFourThis wrote the chapter, just so you know. I'm just here to laugh with you guys. 

ONE more thing- I disagree with the chapter title- cake is a weapon. 



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