Stuck In Fire 1 - Kapitel 1-17 (Justin Bieber & Selena Gomez)

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12. 12

I smiled, snuggled up in pink Tinkerbell sheets next to my little angel. We laid side by side in bed, watching the last episode of SpongeBob and I couldn't help but laugh at Squidward. My baby always said that was me, because my name was Justin. He was crabby and always trying to ruin SpongeBob's fun but he was very hysterical to me, always pissed off.

I didn't hear the little tingle of Katie's giggle and my head turned towards hers. The perfect round eyes were closed, adorned with her lovely long eyelashes and her mouth was puckered up in a little pout. In her sleep, her bottom lip sucked the top one a bit and I nearly laughed out loud at the beauty I was fortunate enough to behold so close to me.

I dared to lean in one inch and touch my unworthy lips to her rosy cheek; my nose tickled by the long red locks of her soft, smooth hair as it fell and laid upon her little shoulders. This is the love of my life…and I knew it without question. I just laid there at her side, eyes closed, thanking God for letting something so pure and beautiful rest beside something as flawed as myself.

As SpongeBob ended, I carefully moved myself out of her bed and sat up on its edge, switching off the TV, putting down the remote, and covering her up to her chin with her blankets and comforter that was also adorned by the sassy Tinkerbell.

I inhaled and smiled at the sweet scent of strawberry bubble bath, remembering our bathtub fight earlier. She had won. After the bath, I was easily more wet than she was. She is a master splasher.

I peeked inside the blankets and saw she already had a good hold of her giraffe doll, Pirate, her favorite since she was born. His name was pirate because she lost one of his eyes once so I put a black eye patch there and Katie loved it. And thus, his name was born.

He had more stains and sewing marks than a world war veteran but she loved him best. I had learned to sew on this doll, performing miracles every time she brought him to me in tears.

It made me feel like Pirate, being torn and ragged, but having her complete, thick love anyway.

"Daddy?" her tired little voice whimpered.

"Yea, baby?" I whispered, kneeling down beside her bed.

"Can I have an ice cream sandwich?" she almost said in her sleep, her eyes half closed as I laughed softly above her.

"No, Katie, not right now." I smiled down at her, "It's time for bed."

"Nnnooo.", she whined a little, her eyes getting heavier.

"Oh, yes." I tilted my head, adoring her as usual, "Maybe if you're good I'll sneak it to you during breakfast tomorrow. Okay?"

I can't deny her anything. I'm spoiling her rotten.

"Okay.", she smiled, happy, and my whole world was right again.

"Goodnight, Duckie Lips." I said, using my nickname for her. When she sleeps, her lips stick out like a duck's bill. So cute…so perfect.

"Goodnight, Daddy…wuv you", she said so faintly as sleep finally curled her arms around my baby.

"I love you." I responded, kissing her perfect mouth with a small peck, tasting grape juice, smiling to myself and licking my mouth, trying to dilute the flavor a bit.

Note to self: Make sure Katie brushes her teeth real good tomorrow.

The nightlight was on already and I used its light to find my way out of her small room into the living room.

It flickered for a second and I stepped backwards, looking at it. It did it again and I almost considered pulling it from the outlet. If Katie woke up in the middle of the night and in the dark, she'd scream and cry.

I shoved it back in, all the way in, and it remained steady and unblinking now. Good. I went back out to the living room to prepare things for tomorrow.

After an hour or two had gone by, I was done with the dishes and all the laundry was put away. Katie's outfit for nursery school tomorrow was all picked out and waiting on its hanger on her doorknob and after finding nothing on TV to watch, I decided to make her lunch.

It was finally at 11:32 pm that my wife's footsteps were coming up the stairs.

I tensed and exhaled a breath, preparing for another battle. I tried to stay out of her way and she tried to stay out of mine most of the time, but I was already pissed off. She's never here. She said she'd be home for dinner tonight. My own feelings aside, maybe Katie might like to have a mother around. I never did…and now she never does either. I hated that.

But Tanya's dreams and art must come first. Pullleeasse.

The key turned in the lock and she walked in, looking exhausted, her red hair swept up into a pretty bun, and she took her winter coat off, exposing her nice black dress. I glanced at her up and down, seeing the nice black pumps completing her outfit.

I hate the way she looks all the time, fancy little dresses too short, the black stockings, the high heels…she should be in t-shirts and jeans, casual and light, someone Katie could get down on the floor and play blocks with. My mother was always dressed up all the time, too pretty to hug and mess up. Too perfect to be touched.

No, Justin, don't kiss Mommy, you'll mess up her lipstick. Go play over there.

"Hi." She looked at me and tossed her coat on the sofa, going to the refrigerator, not even coming near me for a hug or a kiss, but this was normal now.

Something inside me sighed that she just threw her coat on the couch. I just cleaned in there. Doesn't she know how to use a hanger? What a housewife I'm turning into.

"Hi." I gave no happy tone to my voice as I spread peanut butter onto the bread below me.

She took a tall glass and poured milk into it for herself, leaving very little in the one gallon there.

"Hey, Tanya," I frowned, "Can you save some milk for Katie's breakfast tomorrow, please? I have to get more tomorrow."

"God, I can't even have a glass of milk when I get home from work now!" she slammed the fridge door closed hard.

Anything I say anymore just fills her with rage in two seconds.

Maybe it's the lack of sex. I know that's one of my big problems lately. The other day, I was watching the Little Mermaid with Katie and I got hard watching Ariel's body. I need to get laid…bad. My own hand is even getting bored with me these days. I can almost hear it whining, "AGAIN?" every time I lay in my bed alone.

"You can." I kept my eyes on the jelly I was now spreading, "Just a small glass, this one time, and getting home from work? Is that what you're calling it? It's after 11. Maybe your daughter would like to say goodnight to you once in awhile, if it's not too much trouble for you."

"HEY, I work!" she spun around to me, slamming her glass on the counter, "I work my ass OFF everyday! And you're here! So if we are low on milk, BUY some! Or should I shop, too, on my way home?"

"I work too!" I spun towards her, my eyes burning, "I am raising our daughter alone while you snap pictures all day! Then, at night, you go to these fucking parties doing God knows what. Here's an idea! Take a picture of US to keep on you so that one day you don't walk in here and fail to recognize us!"

"You prick!" she shouted back, tears in her eyes, "I am making contacts! I am showing my work so maybe I can get published! Then maybe we could AFFORD two gallons of milk at once!"

"Maybe you should forget getting published and get a real job in an office somewhere!" I shot back, putting the sandwich together.

I wanted to get a job, a real job. I loved taking care of Katie and spending all my time with her but I felt like less than a man, having my wife working all the time, and me being home ironing and cooking. But we had made that deal a long time ago.

And three years later, it still wasn't working.

"Fuck YOU!" she screamed, letting the tears fall. Typical. Cry. A woman's dirtiest trick during an argument.

"I went to college for this, I am going to be a photographer, Justin!" she yelled at my back, "At least I have a degree, what do you have?"

"A child who knows what I look like!" I threw down the butter knife and towered over her, completely enraged now.

That was a low blow on her part. She knows why I couldn't finish college. And it's because of her! I stuck my knife just as deeply into her heart by using Katie…and I hated myself for that. But I wanted Katie to have both of us. I don't want her lonely and feeling uncared for. I was loving her for both of us and it wasn't enough. Katie wants her Mommy and damn it, I want her to have that, too. Not to mention, I want my wife.

"I hate you!" she cried, sobbing and going into the living room.

This wasn't the first time Tanya shouted this phrase at me. Later, she'd always say she didn't mean it. But it was getting harder and harder to believe her.

"Good, " I seethed, watching her sit on the sofa, "It's nice to know you can feel something!"

I was so tense and filled with spite that I kept listening to her cry as I packed up Katie's lunch, with a chocolate cupcake and a juice box to complete it. I wrote Katie's name on the brown lunch bag and put little hearts and stars on each side of it. I was happy to be able to show my love to someone.

Tanya is never here – just like my god damned parents.

I wish we weren't like this. But I have no idea how to fix it. I wish I could hold her and kiss her and make love to her like we used to. But she has become Esme to me. Too busy, too void when she's here, invisible when she's not. I wish I could be more supportive and caring…and not so angry all the time. I wish we were a family.

After a good ten minutes, Tanya stomped back into the kitchen, tears and makeup under her eyes. She was holding an envelope that had the words Kaitlyn Bieber – Trip on it.

"What is this?" she asked me.

"Maybe you forgot, because you don't work in a real office," I kept being a giant prick to her, not sure why, speaking slowly, "But that's called an envelope. It holds things."

"What's in it?" she scowled at me, "Money?"

I sighed, putting the bread away, "Katie's school is going on a trip tomorrow to a museum. All the kids are going."

"How much?" she asked, smirking at me.

"Twenty seven dollars." I said, readying myself for her outburst.

"And you just wrote the check without a care in the world.", she pretended to smile, "The rent is late, the gas bill needs to be paid. We don't have any extra money for this stuff, Justin."

"I'm not telling her she can't go." I dried my hands, "She gets so little and she never asks for much. So, yea, I wrote the check. It's my account, too."

"But it's my money.", she informed coldly.

Now I was pissed.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I thought it was our money.", I sneered, "But I guess you're right. Why let your daughter have a little joy out of your money? Why don't you go buy another dress from Hookers R Us for the next party you're going to. You must get PUBLISHED, if that's what they're calling that now."

"Are you accusing me of cheating on you?" she squinted, appalled.

"Well, look over yourself in the full length mirror." I let my own eyes rake over her accusingly, "You don't really believe you're invited to these things for your award winning shots of birds and trees, do you?"

She cried again and turned her back to me, her hands shaking and covering her eyes.

I had to get out of there now, before I said any more…I was hurting her and I knew it. I need to go cool off for awhile. I was furiously shoving my hands into my jacket, ready to move towards the door. I did this a lot during a particularly bad argument and would come back later, after she had fallen asleep.

"I can't take this anymore, Justin." She was sobbing, "I love you but I hate you! You're so evil to me all the time! What did I ever do to you that you hate me so much?"

"I don't hate you." I said in a low voice, feeling lower than dirt now, my hand on the doorknob.

She sobbed again and I felt myself moving up behind her, trying to put my arms around her.

But she moved away from me, crying a little less loudly now.

"I want a divorce.", she breathed, sobbing a little more now after she said this.

And my whole world imploded right then.

"Tanya…" I felt like I could hardly breathe, "No…you can't…what about Katie?"

"I'll take her." She said, still not looking at me.

"Where?" I was more scared now. As much as it hurt to consider life without Tanya, there was no way I could be denied Katie. She is my whole world. She's my air.

"I'll find a place of my own.", she shrugged.

She had not thought any of this through at all.

"You can't afford that, and you're gone all the time." I pointed out, "You're not having some teenage babysitter watch Katie all day, either. I'm all she has, Tanya. You're not doing that to us."

"Fine, forget it.", she said with an icy voice, not looking at me, "No divorce. I'll stay, alright? Happy now?"

She had never said divorce before. And even though she said forget it, I was still hurt and upset. She doesn't love me anymore. She hates me. If she could afford it, she'd already be gone, with my daughter.

And, even though I knew it sounded wrong of me, I was so angry that after my years of waiting for her to finish college, my homeless nights asleep freezing in cemeteries, the days when I couldn't find anything to eat while my insides growled in anguish, the times I ate half eaten things out of garbage cans, that she found life with me here so unbearable, so hard. I had endured Hell for her, but now, because we were having a little trouble, she was so ready to bail out on me.

"Thanks very much." I frowned, sarcasm oozing out of my voice, "You make it sound like I'm some ogre that has you locked in a cage! I'm going out."

I was back at the door again, yanking it open, ready to exit this battle.

Tanya put the envelope on the little round dining room table in the corner and she said, almost whispering, "When your parents told you to choose between them and me, and you chose me, I was so happy at first. And then they made you pay everyday for going with me, and you took it all…and I was so sad for you. But I told myself I would make you glad you picked me. I would work and make my dreams come true and then I would help you get back to school…and maybe you could become a doctor someday, like you always wanted. When we got married, I was determined to make that happen for us. I wanted to make it right. And I kept telling myself, we stayed together, we beat Carlisle and Esme, we showed them. But now…I look at us and see that they beat us. They knew what they were doing when they cut you off. They destroyed us in that minute. We just didn't know it yet. And we are together and have a beautiful little girl…but we're not happy. We're not in love. They won. They killed us."

"This is not about my parents." I gritted my teeth, hating what she was saying but knowing it was true, every word of it, "And I asked you not to talk about them, Tanya."

"You know it's true. They tore us apart.", she looked at me and the loneliness and sorrow reflected off my own eyes that wore the same glaze themselves.

"Maybe they were right." I said, rejected and hurting, "You don't belong with me."

She deserves better than me is what I was thinking, but as I slammed the door and was rushing down the stairs, I could hear Tanya crying and realized what my words sounded like to her.

That she wasn't good enough for me. Shit! I almost went back up. I stopped on the 6th floor steps and almost went up the 3 flights to apologize and hold her and kiss her tears away. Maybe I could get a night job and help more. We could try marriage counseling, like she wanted. But I didn't. I kept going down stairs until I was out and getting into our silver Volvo, I peeled away, needing to drive fast and clear my head. Needing to cry alone at the terror her threat of divorce had inspired in me, and to imagine me telling our 3 year old daughter that she was moving away from me was just too much to bear.

I told myself I would explain what I meant by last words and to talk to Tanya tomorrow when she woke up. That I shouldn't have said those cruel things to her, and that I was so sorry. That I don't want a divorce and I loved her. I would say it all, to make her give me another chance.

But sometimes you don't get a tomorrow. Sometimes, when you speak words to someone…those fast become your last words to them. I had a moment where I could've turned back to make things right with Tanya, and I had carelessly thrown it away, foolishly thinking I had a lifetime to talk to her. I was wrong. And I would regret my actions of leaving…and my last words to her…for the rest of my life…every single day of my life.

My time was up.

That was the last time I saw Tanya.

"Justin…" a voice whispered and I jumped. Selena…I was holding her but I could not fall asleep. I kept playing my last night with Tanya in my head, over and over again.

I am sick. I want to burn myself. I haven't wanted to do that for years. No, not here. If Selena saw that or heard it…she'd throw me right out of here, knowing what a fucking head case I am. She could have me committed. She should. But then I can't earn. So that was out.

I haven't felt any pain for five days now. That's what's wrong with me. Selena is far too kind to me and my body isn't used to that. It wants punishment again. It's almost…craving it. Two weeks is so not long enough for Selena to see how mental I truly am.

She, by nature, is a healer, someone who wants to fix and correct all that is wrong and bad. That is her sensitive, loving heart and I know that's why she chose me. I am her new broken toy. I am damaged. If I weren't, I wouldn't be here, sitting on her shelf, waiting for her to cure me.

Victoria had seen me burn myself once after I had dreamt of Tanya. Any time I thought of that night, of the pain I had caused her and my Katie, the pain was too unreal to handle. I began to find that burning myself, as they were burned, brought me punishment and pain and justice. It made me feel…slightly better…enough so that I could almost breathe again. It would not heal me…nothing would.

I would have just preferred to die, but I didn't have that luxurious option. Katie needs me…or my money, anyway, and I couldn't let her down.

So I went one night, leaving Victoria's bed, in the dead of night, and went to her kitchen while she slept.

Turning the dial on her stove, the blue gas flames erupted with a tiny whoosh and I turned it to a medium flame.

I decided to burn my palm, because, who'd care about my palm or even notice it at Fire? I couldn't scar my body if I could help it, Victoria would skin me alive.

So, in complete silence, I let my palm hover over the tiny flame tongues. They bit fast and I clenched my eyes tight, bracing my jaw…taking it as my body quivered hard, but I didn't scream…or move away…or cry.

After what seemed like forever, I couldn't bear anymore and yanked my hand away, turning off the gas with the other. Turning, I went to the sink and turned the cold water on full blast over the angry, ugly burn in my flesh and felt a new kind of pain. My body jerked and my head bucked back for a second as I endured it, only a tiny growl managing to escape from behind my clenched teeth.

Victoria was behind me a second later, holding me, kissing my shoulder blades and informing me that she admired my strength and that it had aroused her, seeing me do this to myself. And also, that she had a whole new client list to introduce me to now. She told me I would make a wonderful pain slave. And the next day she would begin preparing me for those very high paying customers.

The next morning, at dawn, I was shown to Victoria's dungeon, buried deep below Fire. And I began to learn about pain. I never resisted or struggled against any of it. It almost comforted me, suffering for my crimes…screaming and being punished for abandoning the people I loved. I accepted every single thing she could do to me.

"Justin…" Selena's voice called again and I tilted my head, gazing down at her, my eyes slave to her beauty while she slept so deeply. My fingers moved over her eyebrows, over the details of her cute little nose, and traced adoringly around her lips.

"Yes, Selena?" I whispered. The last time she'd spoken in her sleep we had a sexy little conversation…and I liked it. There were no hard questions here…no dirty, evil confessions to make…no looking into her eyes when she learned how disgusting I really was. In sleep, I could speak to her heart…her soul. Her mind, brilliant as it was, was now resting…so it did not intrude here.

She struggled slightly in the blanket, as if something was bothering her. My brow creased, wondering what was wrong.

"Give me your hand…Justin…please…reach out…" she was softly whimpering, "I just want to help you…no…no…."

"Shhhh, my sweet little heart…" I whispered into her ear, kissing it and wrapping my arms fully around her, "I'm here…I'm fine…you have me."

She wants to save me so badly. I wish I was saveable.

She calmed a bit and sighed in a relaxed little moment. Her lips gave a hint of a smile as I closed my eyes and leaned my cheek against her bare shoulder, addicted to the tender soft skin there.

"You have me, Selena." I whispered, "Always. I love you."

Hearing my own words made me ache inside. I couldn't deny to myself that it was true but I also knew I could never tell her this and that she could never love me in return. And even if she did, we could never be.

Love is an evil bitch. Worse than Victoria, Raven, and all the rest of them put together. I hate love. It whips me everyday and its chains are hot and sharp. And its pain…I never get used to…I can't endure.

And now it's after Selena…it wants to hurt and slash her pure, unscarred body and heart now, using me.

Even now, while I'm holding Selena, my mind wanders to tomorrow. I have a part in that adult film in the afternoon and then Fire afterwards. I wonder if Selena still wants to go there tonight to "observe" me.

No, I can't ask her to do that. But she did say she wanted to see what jobs I do. This job, at least, she'd be allowed to come to, and sit behind the cameras, as my guest. I decided to tell her about it and let her choose. I guess it would make an interesting chapter in her report. How often does a girl like Selena get to see behind the scenes of a porno?

Let her come. She will see me for what I am and get out of this ugliness. And she won't fall for me any deeper. She will save herself and get out.

My face cringed, hating the thought of asking her to go. I would have to act clueless from now on, not show her that I could see the sadness shining in her eyes. I was only that guy a couple days ago that asked her right at the table of the Chinese restaurant if she ever sucked cock before. It was so easy then, and I felt no shame at all in what I was. Now, mere days later, I feel so…repulsive.

Carefully, I got out of bed and kissed Selena's hair, smoothing it and waiting to make sure she wasn't waking up. Good, she was still very deep asleep.

I walked naked to the living room and sat on the sofa, staring at the little recorder; the red record button holding all my attention. It was so dark here, and only the light of the moon shed its light inside. And Selena wasn't watching me.

I hit the record button and closed my eyes, making my voice talk.

"Justin – session five." I began professionally, as she liked to, "Selena…this is me. Hopefully, you won't hear this until after I've gone…so…I can say anything I want to say…"


EPOV Today is Friday, Day 5.

I was singing in the kitchen the next morning at 7:30 am, making our breakfast when Selena began to stir in bed.

Laying everything out on our tablecloth on the floor, I peeked in the bedroom. Stretching and smiling, her eyes still closed, she was so natural and lovely I could've laid next to her forever. I was wearing my jeans and no shirt and hoped this was still the rule for me during the day.

"Sleep well?" I knelt by the bed and softly rubbed my nose against her tiny elf-like one.

"Mmmmm…" she sounded so content as her eyes opened droopily and looked into mine with so much warmth I almost began to sweat, "Too good. I wonder why…Mr. Evasion."

I laughed for a second then made my eyes and voice turn very serious.

"Selena." I said, stroking her hair as she kept gazing at me, "I want to say that I am so sorry that I did what I did last night. I'm cheating on our deal and I know you're becoming frustrated and sad…because of me."

"No, I—" she began, but I wouldn't let her deny it.

"Please, Selena…" I said, looking at her hand and taking it in mine, "Please let me say this. I've been thinking about it all night."

"Alright.", she tensed, waiting.

"This is a really tense arrangement we've set up for ourselves. Therapy by day, sexual adventure by night. It's my fault." I went on, hoping my voice came through as gentle and sincere, "I am not a good patient, I know that. And I never thought I'd say these words but – I'm not easy."

We both laughed at that for a couple seconds.

"But I thank you…for wanting to help me, Selena. I've always wanted someone to care and when she finally shows up, I get scared and angry and I pull away like a little kid, and I'm sorry, Selena. I don't know what's wrong with me. But I don't want to hurt you anymore. I should go."

Her eyes flickered in understanding and they wounded me with their fear and hurt.

"NO!" she shouted, grabbing my arm, "No, Justin! Our time's not up…you promised!"

"Of course, I'll return your money to you, all of it." I felt queasy inside, doing this.

Victoria would skin me alive but it would be better than robbing Selena of her inheritance. These last four days have been so magical to me, how could I charge her for them? I think I owe her money at this point, for putting up with me.

"Justin, no, wait.", she sat up, as she held me by the arms, "I don't want you to go…please. Stay with me. I know, it's my fault, I push too hard, I want too much. And you're not ready to open up to me yet. I should be more patient. I'm sorry, Justin."

"Don't apologize, Selena." I leaned my head to hers, then kissed it, "I love how you keep trying, how you never give up. I know it's because you care that you push. I'm just not used to these feelings. I don't know how to react. I don't know how…to…be cared for. And I can see that I'm hurting you. And…I don't want to do that…ever."

Selena frowned and decided to claw in and fight back and it floored me.

She got up to her knees in the bed, letting the covers fall and she faced me down, naked, her voice strict now.

"No, you are not leaving.", she stated , like a fact, "You belong to me and I rule, remember? You are staying here if I have to chain your ass to the bed, you got that, Bieber? If this is how you feel more comfortable, if this is how you'd like me to talk to you, then tough shit! I won't treat you that way but our deal still stands. You will suffer a new kind of torture now, learning how to be cared for! That is my fetish and you will feed it until it's sated! You are mine and you will not leave until our time is up. Good or bad, we talk it out and stick together."

Wow. She is going to be either a great psychiatrist someday…or a dominatrix.

I didn't want to go. It made me sick to even think of leaving her. But I wanted her to have the option. I liked the way she spoke to me just now, it's like, she was speaking my language there for a minute. I would have to stay now. She had said the words to hold me here. She is super intelligent. And I was glad. So I smiled and saw her smile coming back to me in return.

"Yes, Selena." I replied, "If that is your pleasure."

"It is.", she smirked. She let out a breath of huge relief at this, and I was happy when she pulled me to her for a very tight embrace. Her fingers curled into my hair as I closed my eyes and resigned myself to the fact that if I could learn to be burned and whipped and stuck with needles, then maybe I could learn this new game of Selena's. As a toy, it was my duty to play the games she liked best. I would try.

Later, we sat on the floor together, eating Lucky Charms cereal and watching cartoons. The mood was so fun and light, and I'm not sure how it got that way. Last night I was so confused, so full of conflict and shame…and now I didn't seem to have a care in the world…for the moment anyway.

"I know I was bad last night." I was saying to her with a boyish grin on my lips, "I should've answered your questions. I'm sorry."

"You are pretty wicked.", she smiled back at me, chewing her cereal, "It's also my fault, so I can't be too mad at you. I am so weak for you. It's sickening. I am supposed to be detached and professional, but you are just too fucking beautiful and are so much more, behind that face and body… I don't have the strength…to stay away from you."

I took the pink heart out of my bowl of cereal, a marshmallow, and put it into her mouth to chew up and devour. She could have my heart. She did have it.

"Then…don't." I leaned over and kissed her sugary lips.

After a silent minute, I asked her, not wanting to prolong the inevitable mention of real life waiting outside the door, "So…what is your schedule for today, Dr.?"

"Mmmm.", she smiled, "Observing my patient…every lovely inch of him, in all his eternal glory."

I raised a brow, without words and she clarified, "We have today, Monday and Tuesday off to observe days in the lives of our patients."

"Oh, I see." I let a big smile curl up at the corner of my lips, "Well, then, today…is going to be very weird and strange for you, Dr. Selena."

"Why?" she looked nervous but still smiled anyway.

"Because today…" I kept my voice fun and uncomplicated, "We get to shoot a little…porn."

"Porn?" her voice was loud and harsh suddenly.

"Yea." I squinted a little at her reaction, "I was offered a part in this movie…friends of Victoria's…if you forbid me to do it, I'll cancel. Maybe Emmett can take it. Although…I will be punished by Victoria if I don't do it."

Normally, I wouldn't tell her that last little bit, but she wants honesty.

"Punished how?" she tried to look calm but it seemed like she really wanted to know.

"Not sure." I answered honestly, "She likes lots of different…play."

Selena swallowed and I saw her eyes processing thoughts quickly. Why am I doing this to her? A big part of me wants her to say no, don't go. Another part of me wants her to come with me and hang out and kiss me in between takes. And then another part of me wants her to want to vomit and run out of there, leaving me behind her forever. God, how many personalities do I have in here?

"I'll go with you, Justin.", she said firmly, then made herself smile, "It'll be good…for my paper."

"I thought that, too. Bring your notebook.", I said, finishing my cereal and drinking the sweet milk out of the bowl, sipping it out like a cup, "But if at any time, it gets to be too much, you don't have to stay."

"What are they going to…do to you?" she asked carefully, her brave face on.

"It's a pain video." I informed, trying to sound casual about it, "It won't be that terrible. It could be worse. It's basically, a female dom and me. I am the poor little sub male who'll be at the mercy of the wicked woman. I'm used to all the things they've got planned, but this is probably the only way you'd get to see me experience it. Are you sure this is something you want to see, Selena? You don't have to come, I'll be back in a couple of hours."

"No, Justin.", she said, finishing her cereal now, "I told you, you're not pushing me away. I will go wherever you go. I'll be there for you. I can handle it."

I couldn't do anything except lean in and give her the most passionate kiss I think I ever shared with her. She even made a little noise, surprised by its intensity as I let my cereal bowl hit the floor and curled my arms around her.

It's not so much what she'd said but the way she had said the words. So true, so conceretely sure, I truly believed them. She was with me. She wouldn't leave me and she wouldn't let me leave her. She is a lot stronger than she looks upon first glance.

After a few minutes of wet, hot necking, I got a thought and chuckled into her ear, "Just promise me one thing. Don't dive on the dominatrix to save me this time, alright? She could have you chained up right beside me."

Selena laughed and said, "I promise. I'll sit there and watch you suffer and think, serves you right after you distracted me last night with sex."

"Good girl." I kissed her chin, then stood up and lifted her over my shoulder as she screamed, surprised by the sudden raise off the floor, "Shower time. You need a nice, hard scrubbing after last night, you dirty little thing."



I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.

I can't do this.

I wondered if Justin really meant to leave this morning, or if that was his way of making me behave and treading more carefully next time we have a therapy session. James had said Justin was a master manipulator and I was starting to wonder if that was true or not.

Justin must know how much I care about him and maybe he is using that to his advantage, saying he'd leave so I would beg him to stay. But I didn't really beg. It occurred to me that he was out of his element with me, because there's no one ordering him around and maybe his mind was missing that. He was feeling insecure and out of control without that.

So for a moment I became ruler. I ordered him to stay and he listened. That is just too much power for anyone to have over another. Only someone as sweet and trusting and giving as Justin could put his entire self into the hands of others as he has done.

Should I be trying to destroy that about him, when that is also what draws me closer to him? I would have to sit down soon and listen over my tapes and start writing some of my conclusions and suspicions about him while he wasn't around. Maybe I could have him take a walk or run some errand.

But what I suspected is clear:

Something horrible happened to Tanya. I fear she is dead.

Also, I think he has a child or children somewhere. The Sponge Bob cartoons, the child-like behavior in him at times pointed to it. That would really explain why he feels he is trapped in this life and can never lose his job, as he put it. And I think that at one point Justin took this child to his parents, despite the way they treated him, in a desperate moment, and they cold heartedly shut the door in his face.

I made a mental note to ask my dad to locate them. Maybe some peace could be worked out between them. There's always two sides to every story, right? Maybe Justin could call them, if a face to face is too difficult. I didn't look forward to the reaction I'd get when I brought this up to Justin. But I think this way I could get more of the story and at the same time, Justin could start to heal if he lost some of that hatred he has deep inside for them.

I'm not saying he should forgive them. I'm saying he should let go of the anger he has because of them.

I had my notebook with me and a pen as Justin and I caught a cab to a place called Eagle Studios. For some reason, I almost thought that we'd be going to a hotel room or some house, but it seemed this movie was more high budget than that. It was no Dreamworks production, but it was not on the bottom rung I was guessing. Maybe it would be okay. Yea, okay, Selena, tell yourself that. You dope. They're planning on hurting Justin. Again. What part of that is okay?

At one point Justin tried to rub his fingers over my jeans between my legs right in the back of the taxi with the driver right in front of us, but I was proud to have stopped him, despite the quick thrill it had given me.

I was trying to be professional at the moment and steel myself to accept this next couple hours. Maybe he was trying to take my mind off things, but I told myself I have to be stronger than I've been. I will not be able to resist Justin or stop him from seducing me, but I could try to limit it so it only happened on his time, not mine. Oh, please, who am I kidding? I want him right now and it's 11:23am! God, I'm weak.

"Don't forget, Selena." Justin took my hand and squeezed it lightly, "Everything you see is an act. If I scream or anything, don't get upset. It's acting. All of it. You'll see between takes. Alright?"

"Alright." I nodded as the cab slowed and stopped in front of an office building.

"Thanks." Justin paid the cab driver and the driver said a very enthusiastic, "Woah! Thanks, MAN!"

And then he even jumped out of the cab and opened my door for me, taking my hand and helping me out. Justin must have tipped him well.

Justin thought that was funny and shook the driver's hand as he exited. He wore a t-shirt and jeans, too, and didn't look dressed up at all as we went into this large, tall building. It looked so new and beautiful and that surprised me too. I don't know why I always envisioned flea bag motels and empty, dirty warehouses when I thought of shooting a porn film. Lots of surprises.

I followed Justin and he went up to an elevator, pressing 10. He still held my hand and winked at me as we waited for it. I wondered if I looked as scared as I felt.

The silver doors opened and a couple people exited the elevator car. We went in and were the only people inside as Justin pressed 10 and the doors closed.

"Stay!" I pointed to the right corner at him as I went to my corner of the elevator,"Justin, behave."

"But Selena…elevators!" Justin kept trying to get close to me, "They're made for fucking!"

He was kissing my neck and then licked it as the doors opened. I darted out and he chased me, running like a kid down this long marble floored hallway. It was very quiet and posh looking here and I saw a receptionist sitting at a desk. I quieted my voice but he didn't. I felt like we should be good and reserved all of a sudden. Then I remembered what we were doing here. I wonder how one introduces himself to the receptionist in this place.

"Oh, hi, I'm Spunk Ransom, and I'm shooting Big Dicks Throbbing here today."


I decided to hang back and let Justin take this. Giving me a slap on the ass, Justin felt no shame in front of the beautiful girl at the desk.

She buried me. Ten times over. Her skin was ivory white, flawless, and her ebony hair was pulled straight back in a tight long braid. It looked like silk. Her makeup was heavy around the eyes but expertly done and her lips sparkled with a coral shine. Her dress suit was low cut and her breasts were very large and half exposed from our view standing above her.

I almost stared at them myself, then had to make myself look away at the flowers on the desk instead. Are those mums?

Justin hardly even noticed her and leaned his arms on the glossy wooden counter between them, saying, "Hi. Justin – 7589."

I smirked at this. Very clever. Code numbers. No last names. These guys obviously had been doing this for years and knew how to do this in a classy, legal way.

But how did I know this yet, I just got here? If Charlie knew where I am right now…Christ! He'd lock me in a chastity belt and never let me leave my room again.

She looked at a couple cards and smiled up at him.

"Yes, Justin," she greeted, "You're in room 45. Down the hall and last door on the left."

"Thank you.", he smiled back, taking my hand and leading me. I guess it's okay for me not to have a code number.

Justin held me close, his arm around my waist and whispered, "Last chance to change your mind, Selena. You don't have to come with me."

"I want to." I lied, "And Justin…"

I stopped and saw we were nearly at the right door. He looked at me, curiously, as if he didn't know what I would say or do…neither did I.

I wanted to tell him that I love him, that I hated seeing him go through any pain, even fake pain, and that if I could, I would give him everything I had and that he'd never have to do this shit again. For the first time in my life, I wished I was rich.

"Yea?" he finally asked when I was just staring at him, saying nothing.

And I just held him. Holding him like I did the other night, closing my eyes and not wanting him to go in there. But I can't stop him. Besides, if Victoria ever hurt him because of something I made him do or not do, I could never forgive myself for that.

"Oh, Selena…", he sounded touched by my feelings for him, and he stroked my hair in back, "Don't…I told you it's all an act. Don't be sad. Have fun. This is all in fun. Alright?"

"Alright." I tried to smile as he kissed me briefly and opened the door.

In this room, I was relieved to see three big leather sofas, a refrigerator in the corner, and a large bed in the other corner.

"This is a room to relax in, between takes, or after the shoot. Anything you want to drink is in the fridge, just help yourself, and…", Justin began explaining to me and then I heard a man's voice call, "Justin! You're early!"

"Hi George.", he smiled graciously and shook the man's hand. This man was medium build, long, curly brown hair and a bit overweight. I assumed he was someone behind the scenes, "Selena, this is George, he's our director today. George, this is Selena, my assistant."

I smiled, not sure I was dressed right or knew what an assistant of Justin's would look like, but George didn't look surprised so I went with it. I saw a banner on the wall over one of the sofas and it was black with red scrawled writing going across it, that said "Men in "

"Well, you're a tad early, but if you like, makeup awaits." George led us down another hallway past the sofas and there was a piece of paper taped to the door that said Hair and Makeup, written in black marker.

"Alright, cool." Justin said as we followed him.

"And to begin, no costume, nude." George said to Justin as nonchalantly as someone like me would order a hamburger.

Justin grinned and commented to George, "Going right for it, huh? No build-up or anything?"

He seemed amused, not embarrassed at all.

"Not for this one." George rolled his eyes, "You know how these women are."

"Yea." Justin laughed and led me by the hand into the makeup room.

This is a large room with chairs and mirrors in front of them, but also, three showers in the back and sinks, along with towels on the towel bars and clean towels on the floor near this area.

A woman was standing in there, talking on her cell phone. She looked nice, t-shirt and jeans, like me, her hair red and up in a ponytail, perfect makeup, and she wore white sneakers, not stiletto heels.

She turned when we came in and smiled wide. Hanging up her phone without a word, she squealed, "Justin! My BABY!"

And in seconds, they were hugging like old friends. I found myself smiling, too, but remembered he never listed her in his little circle of friends to me.

"Hi RED!" he smiled back at her and kissed her on the cheek affectionately, "They didn't tell me you were doing us today."

"Selena, this is Red." Justin introduced us politely, "Red, Selena, my assistant. Take very good care of her today, alright?"

"I will, I will." She smiled at me wider, "Nice to meet you, hon."

"You, too." I grinned.

What the hell am I doing here?

"Well, you're early, as usual." Red complimented as Justin shrugged, then she said to me, "He's a very good little boy, this one."

I could only blush and laugh weakly at that.

"Come have a seat." Red twirled the chair to Justin and he looked at me first.

"Selena, you can sit in the chair next to me if you want." Justin looked into my eyes to make sure I was still alright.

"Okay." I took the empty seat beside him and watched Justin sit down in his seat.

"I'll do your body after your face." Red informed him and she put a cloth over him, as if she was about to cut his hair, and snapped it behind his neck.

And so, Red began to put foundation on Justin's face, matching it to his own skin tone, and applied it with a little wet sponge, asking him about Victoria.

"She's fine.", he answered without saying too much in front of me.

I listened to them as Red told Justin that a woman named – get this – Nikki Sinn was the one who'd be dominating him today. I watched Justin's reaction and he seemed to smile and roll his eyes.

Then Red began to gel and fix Justin's hair. It looked amazingly sexy.

In about a half hour, Justin's face was even more beautiful than before, if that's possible and then Red took the cloth off him and said, "You make my job so easy, you're already so gorgeous all by yourself."

Justin laughed and started taking off his shirt, careful not to smear his face. He was moving towards the towels on the floor near the showers and looked at me, maybe afraid that I would leave or not want to see this.

I smiled at him, pretending to write in my notebook as he took off his jeans and underwear. Oh, wait. I'm his assistant. I should be over there.

I closed my notebook and rushed over, taking his clothes off the floor and folded them neatly, getting a little smile from Justin at watching me play my part.

Red didn't pay much attention to Justin's body as she began to spray this little air gun thing over his back. I noticed, although it wasn't obviously spraying out like a hose would spray, but Justin's back did look more airbrushed, even and flawless as she sprayed the body make up onto his skin.

Justin, when he was turned to me and getting his chest sprayed, even started joking and talking with me while I watched.

After that, Justin was given a soft black terrycloth robe and we left that room.

Next, we went to the set – Justin said it helped him to hang around it before shooting so we went to the next room over.

No one was here at the moment, the cameras were all in place and ready to go. I felt sick right away at the "set." It was a dungeon that had a tiny cage, a wooden box, a ladder, (laying down and tilted slightly upward over another box), and a wall full of assorted whips, gags, dildos, chains, toys, and tools.

There was a huge box of every different wrapped condom to be found there, too, and when I finally looked up and saw Justin's face, I nearly cried.

He was wearing a frown of distaste and sadness and he wasn't trying to hide it.

"Justin?" I said softly, "You don't have to do this, you know. It's your choice."

"It's not that." He made his eyes look over into mine, "I don't want you to see this, Selena. I thought I could take it, you coming here with me…but…this isn't going to be fake, Selena. It's real. They're going to do things to me…things you should never have to see. I guess it's like you said, I was trying to use this to push you away. But I can't do it to you. Why don't you go home and I'll be there after I'm done here?"

"Come with me, then." I said, holding his hand, "I know you don't want to be here, either, Justin. Please. Let's get out of here. Let's go outside where there's sun and grass, please Justin."

It looked to me like he was considering it and my heart was full of hope.

"There will be trouble, Selena.", he informed without emotion.

"I'm not leaving without you." I said, touching his cheeks with my hands, "If you stay and do this, I will be here and I'll watch every minute of it. I will stick with you no matter what they do to you. I won't abandon you. But if you want to go, then we can go. You have to choose. Do what YOU want to do…"

An internal struggle was happening in him behind those delicate eyes of his and then he smiled at me, looking like a naughty child and said, "Let's go."

I couldn't believe this! It was like a miracle of magic! He took my hand and led me down the hall, past a few people that said nothing to us, and before I knew it, we were out in the hallway, closing door 45 behind us.

I love you so much, Justin.

"Oooh, wait, this way!" he snickered and yanked me down another hallway as I laughed and followed him into another room that said 39 on it.

It was dark in here and I figured we were hiding from someone Justin recognized in the halls. I was just so relieved to be out of there I giggled and then I felt Justin's hand clasp over my mouth, holding me to him as a pair of footsteps went down the hall…and were gone.

The lights went on and my mouth was released.

"Oooh, hospital scene." Justin said as my eyes focused on what did look like a real hospital room, along with all kinds of props, too. Medicines, cotton balls, play needles.

"Now we're in my fantasy.", he smiled, looking around, putting on the stethoscope, "Come here, Selena."

I was so glad to hear that he had fantasies of his own, this was my first time hearing about it.

Coming over to him, I let him place the stethoscope down into my shirt a bit, over my heart as he listened.

"Does it really work?" I asked a bit too loudly as he winced and covered my mouth again while I tried not to laugh. I guess my loud amplified voice wasn't all that kind on his ears.

He nodded at me, grinning as he listened for a minute or so.

I whispered, "What is it saying?"

He smiled more and chuckled but I already knew what my heart would be saying to him if he listened to it – I love you – I love you – I love you…

"It's beating very fast.", he shared.

Justin moved away from me for a second and went to the corner of the room, finding doctor's scrubs. He took off his robe and put them on, a nice powder blue shade against his light skin.

"You, Miss Gomez, are very sick." He tossed the robe to the floor and turned to me, locking the door.

"Justin, will you get in a lot of trouble…with Victoria for this?" I asked, concerned.

Maybe we should go back. I don't want Justin getting hurt by her, either. But it seems no matter what he does, he's in trouble.

"Shhhh…" he put his hands on my shoulders and leaned me back onto the examining table, "You are babbling incoherently. You are extremely disoriented."

I laughed and began to complain but Justin took out a thermometer and stuck it in my mouth, saying, "Don't talk for 2 minutes. Hold that under your tongue."

Giving a little whimper, I held it there and felt him taking off my shirt.

"Miss Gomez, don't be alarmed." He said, "I'm a doctor. You must be examined thoroughly."

Next, he removed my bra and shoved me back on the table, moving down to my jeans, unbuttoning and unzipping them as my hands nervously clenched at my sides, and I felt my panties coming off next as I made another muffled noise.

"Please, Miss Gomez…don't be difficult.", the doctor said, "I would hate to have to sedate you."

I heard a couple of clicking sounds and when I looked down I saw him pulling out these stirrups from the sides of the table and they snapped into place at my sides.

"No!" I tried to speak but Justin came over to my face and slipped the thermometer out of my mouth, looking at it as my eyes looked up at him in nervous orbs.

"Wow.", his voice said with much concern, "You are running a very high fever. Lay back, Miss Gomez. You shouldn't even speak."

"I don't have a fever." I decided to talk back as he leaned down a bit, bringing up a hospital restraint cuff and placing my hand through it, securing it a bit tightly as I yelped out, adding, "Hey!"

"Shhhh…" Justin moved around to my other hand as the bound one struggled at my side, and in another moment, my left hand was cuffed also, "You're so ill you might hallucinate and harm yourself, Miss Gomez. Be still. I'll help you."

"I am not ill!" I argued, struggling my arms a little as he went into a drawer, taking out a little plastic ball with straps.

"You must save your strength…", he said calmly and squeezed my cheeks with his one hand. My mouth opened and the little red ball went inside, filling my entire mouth and keeping my lips slightly apart as he turned my head and fastened the strap closed behind my head, moving my hair out of it and stroking it down around my shoulders.

I gave out little muffled screams as I struggled, so excited and wet as he strolled around to the foot of the table and spoke softly as he lifted my legs up into each stirrup.

"You need an intense internal examination.", he informed, ignoring my incoherent sounds, "And you may even need to be committed for a long time, under my care. Until I feel that you're fit enough to be released into the real world again, you will belong to me. So if I were you, I would cooperate and get well."

I yanked at my restraints, arching my back as I attempted to escape. There was leather straps that coiled around my knees and fastened snugly to hold me in place and then he parted my legs wide and the stirrups clicked again, locking them.

"MMMM!" I tried to scream a little more loudly, trying to raise my head up and then letting it fall back down to the table, my body bucking and writhing harder as he moved around over to my breasts, his hands groping them and stroking up and down as he spoke, still gentle and soft.

"Breast exams are very important, Miss Gomez.", he said with authority, his fingers pinching the nipples as I plead to him with muffled growls, "You should even examine them yourself every day in the shower."

"Your breasts are very healthy…and beautiful.", he cooed as he smiled down at me and he bent over, licking and biting them, his soft lips closing and opening over as I kept pretending to be afraid and fighting back.

My fists jerked and my feet kicked as much as they could as his hand moved down my stomach and found my clit, moving it in circles one way then the other as I whimpered uselessly.

"Miss Gomez, you're far too ill to be fighting like that.", Justin warned again, grabbing me by the hair and looking into my eyes, nose to nose with me, "Stop it right now or I'll put you to sleep for three days."

I stopped moving and looked up at his beautiful eyes.

"Do you want to behave now?" he asked.

I nodded, giving another little mewing noise as he bent over me and kissed my lips, even though I was gagged.

"Such a sweet, sick girl.", he commented, walking down to the foot of the table, and added, "And now you're mine."

I looked down at him and he began to pull on a pair of latex gloves, snapping it as it got to his wrist.

"Perhaps after the vaginal examination, you'd like an anal one?" he teased, smirking at me.

"NO!" I tried to speak thru the ball in my mouth, "No, please!"

"Shhhh, alright then, behave during the vaginal then and I'll skip the anal." He informed.

I quieted a lot and closed my eyes as I felt his fingers slide right inside me, the wetness making it so easy for him to enter. I moaned out loud and felt another finger…then another….I arched my back up and growled as he slowly pulled them in and out of me.

"That's right, Miss Gomez…" he purred as he kept twirling and moving his fingers in deeper, curling and bending them, "Trust your doctor to cure you. I know how to make you feel better…"

After a blissful lifetime of this, after I had an orgasm once already, he brought his mouth to my pussy and began to lick and bite and suck, parting my lips with his fingers, lapping deeper.

Screaming and screeching, my body was thrusting and thrashing in glorious agony from the sensations of his mouth and lips and tongue.

I came again and then again after that and he didn't stop, cruelly diving in again when I couldn't stand anymore.

At last he lowered his scrub pants and his marvelous erect cock was threatening me like a samurai sword.

"Now be a good little patient, Miss Gomez.", he said and penetrated me all the way in as I arched again and let out a garbled scream, trapped and spread and loving it as my doctor moved back and began to fuck me slowly.



An hour later, we were both sated and spent and I was proclaimed cured by Dr. Bieber. My clothes were back on and so was Justin's black robe.

"Trust me." Justin took my hand and kissed it, leading me, sneakingly, back into the hallway right outside room 45. There was a fire alarm lever there and he pulled it, a ringing bell sound and water pouring out of the sprinklers overhead showering down on us.

"Come on!" he yanked me hard as I squealed from the cold water raining down on me and we entered room 45 again, sitting on the leather sofa.

George, Red, and a few others came running out of the other rooms, shouting and trying to save the cameras from the water. A naked girl also came racing out of the makeup room, looking pissed off and very wet.

Justin looked at George and asked, "What is this?"

"I don't know, man, I'm sorry." George was holding a camera, a towel over it, "Must be a fire in the building. Looks like it's off for today. I'll have to re schedule this. I'll call Victoria and set you up. Sorry."

I smiled and snickered as Justin looked at me, celebrating in his eyes, his hair dripping wet and his eyeliner a bit smudged.

Another observation: Justin Bieber is brilliant.

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