Stuck in fire - Justin Bieber/Selena Gomez Kapitel 17-40

En historie der blev slettet på et andet site, som min veninde og jeg følger med i. Bare ignorer den ;)


20. 36

Selena was standing at the window, still looking down at the police car across the street.

I began to wonder that the fascination was after fifteen minutes.

"They still there?", I asked, smiling at her tiny form. She was wearing her cotton gray sweatpants, socks and long t-shirt. She was so adorable, I knew I'd better stay in the kitchen or I'd only jump her again. I remembered a couple hours ago and smirked at myself. I couldn't even wait to get into the apartment. This is what she does to me.

I'm glad the cops checked the place out before we ascended the stairs, to make sure there were no bombs or would be killers waiting inside. They told us they'd be out there, protecting us…for 48 hours. Then we had to make a choice. Witness protection…or nothing. I remember feeling all warm and fuzzy inside at their concern for our lives.

Charlie was also being protected, still in the hospital. His wounds and leg held him in the hospital longer than my one clean gunshot that had luckily not hit anything major, just nicked an important artery. I never considered myself lucky…until the day I first came to this apartment…until the day I belonged to IsaSelena Gomez.

I still couldn't get over it that my body had not been enough to stop the bullet Victoria shot at me.

Am I really that much of a shadow? That even bullets whiz right through my flesh and muscle?

If it did pass through me and hit Selena, then I'd have done it for nothing. We both would've been hurt…or killed. I had told Selena this as we laid in bed together at the hospital and she put that thought right away.

"It means something to me.", she had said, so softly, "Even if the bullet had hit me…what you did means everything to me. You risked everything to protect me. What if you'd have died, Justin? You'd never see Katie again. I can't believe you'd do something so…stupid…so…heroic…I love you, Justin."

It was the first heroic thing I'd ever done in my existence. I felt ten times more a man since that bullet hit me. I'd never take that moment back, even if it had hit me right through the heart. But then, I'd left my heart as Selena's place when I departed for Fire. I knew it was safe.

"Uh huh.", she said in the present, and turned away from the window, sighing. Her damp hair looked black and curly as she timidly walked over my way now, watching me as I placed things down on the counter.

"Hey, I thought you were helping me, here." I reminded, taking my shirt off carefully, using it again as my apron, tucking the sleeves into my jeans. I love seeing her turn pink when I do that.

"Chop that up in little pieces.", I instructed, glad to have her as my assistant. This would be a lot of fun, teaching Selena how to cook. It was one thing I could teach her that she could tell friends and family about.

"Yea, it is getting hot in here, isn't it?", she asked as I placed a pepper down on a cutting board in front of her, along with a nice cutting knife.

I turned away, going to the fridge and getting the chicken. I opened my mouth to say something but what I saw knocked me out.

Selena was standing there, chopping the pepper….and her t-shirt was over her waist like an apron, the sleeves tucked into her pants. Her pert breasts pouted out and bounced a little with every chop she cut.

I didn't even realize I had dropped the chicken until Selena laughed at me and bent down to pick it up.

Her hair was so dark against her creamy white skin. God damn it! We'll never get to eat. I can see myself losing a finger when I'm trying to chop onions. My eyes will never be able to leave that gorgeous sight.

"Hello?", she laughed, blushing, "Justin? Anybody home?"

"Uh…", I heard my voice stalling, "Yes, I'm home."

That made sense. She laughed at that.

"What about these little seeds?", she asked, as if everything were normal, "Do they go in?

"Seeds?" I asked, forgetting what seeds are.

"Oh SEEDS!", I woke up, seeing the little white bits on the cutting board, "No, no seeds. Cut them out."

She laughed, liking the reaction she was getting out of me. What a little brat. I'd have to punish her later for this. Then I felt a little guilty for doing the exact same thing to her that first morning I'd stripped my shirt off while I made her eggs. I would pay big money to know what she was thinking or dreaming while I cracked the eggs and whisked them into liquid that day. I remember her beet red face staring at anything but my face.

I'm glad I didn't take my jeans off, too. I had pondered that but Selena was so innocent. I'd decided to have a little mercy on her the first day.

I remembered something else, too. When she gave me the check, paying me for the next two weeks, I had told her, promised her that she wouldn't be sorry. That's the first lie I told her.

I shook my head now and tried to snap out of it. I'd seen Selena's breasts before, why is this making me stupid?

I began to cut the plastic wrap, freeing the chicken, trying to just look at it and nowhere else. It didn't help me that I was staring down at chicken breasts, either.

Damn, it is getting hot in here. Am I sweating? Do I smell ? I wanted to sniff under my arms but Selena was watching me too closely.

"This is fun.", she smiled as innocently as a little girl playing housewife.

Yea, fun. I'm about to lose my fingers here. We'll be having chicken and finger bits for dinner.

"I think I've created a monster here.", I teased, glancing over at her, the orange glow of the setting sun from the window coloring her flesh, making it look golden…so flawless.

"I thought the idea was for you to change me, not the other way around.", I teased.

I had rubbed off on her during our time together. Is that a good thing? I know she has improved me for the better already, even though I have a long way to go still.

"I told you.", she smirked as she chopped, "I don't want to change you. But I admit, you've definitely affected me, if that's what you mean."

"Was that affected or infected?", I asked as she laughed and nudged me with her elbow.

"I like the way I am now, Justin.", she confessed, "I feel so free. I'm not afraid anymore."

"Right back at you, babe.", I said, feeling the exact same things inside of me, thanks to her.

Then she kissed me, soft and gently at first…and then I began to kiss deeper, unable to hold myself back.

I've just had this woman for hours, all around the apartment. Hell, I even broke my rule and fucked her in the shower. But it was all blissful and mind boggling for me. And now, in the kitchen, cooking, I wanted her again.

I fantasized about tying her to the counter, spread eagle with a small tangerine in her mouth, muffling her pleas as I dripped heated oil over her breasts, down a straight line to her belly button. Then I'd take a couple spices and sprinkle them on top of that…garlic…maybe a little cinnamon.

Then I'd lean over her and taste my masterpiece dish, my heavy, wet tongue roughly moving over the juices I'd created on that nipple. She was moaning through the little tangerine and then I looked at her, smiling.

I peeled a piece of the tangerine's skin off, the part that just pouted out of her mouth, and then I bit into the sweet, thinness of the fruit, and it was almost like I was kissing her. I made a hum sound and opened my mouth again, closing my lips over the tangy juice.

Our kiss broke and I was back in reality. Not that I minded. My reality is paradise now. God, I'm lucky.

Luck, you goddess, don't tire of me yet. Stay with me. I'll never take you for granted again, I swear. Please. Like me. Love me. Don't leave me again. I'll do anything you want.

"What is it we're making, anyway?", she asked, staring up into my lust filled eyes.

It's so cute how, still, sometimes, she looks scared of me…nervous. I guess it's understandable. We'd only known each other for two weeks. But, somehow, to me, I feel like we've had years together. And I don't mean that in a bad way. She knows me. She gets me. And most unbelievably, she wants me. She loves me.

"I forgot.", I replied and we both laughed like drunks, our noses together as I leaned in and gave hers a little peck. That cute, little adorable button nose of hers. I kissed it again, longer and softer.

"Well I know it's chicken…and it has peppers in it.", she tried to figure it out.

"Let's not try figuring this out.", I said with my deep, dark voice as I put my forehead to hers, "Let's just…make it."

And I kissed her again, putting my knife down on the counter…my hands coming up to hold her little face in them, my head turning, kissing her lips from the other side.

She whimpered as I backed her to the wall, knocking over her cute little list of important phone numbers. It was typed! And I wasn't on the list. We'd have to remedy that. Update the phone list. But then we'd all be moving soon, anyway.

Why am I thinking about phone lists now?

Our bare chest pressed against each other as my tongue took small licks of her mouth, knocking on the door, asking to come in.

If my tongue gets inside, it's all over. We will be making love again. Please, Selena, let me in.

She had a little chance to speak as I looked at her, hungrily, not getting entrance into her mouth yet. She shivered as I gave her a look, almost angry with her for not opening the door.

I grabbed her arms and moved her a little roughly, up on her tip toes so I could get those wonderful golden breasts, still painted in the twilight's touch.

I took a wet lick, followed by a deep bite as she gasped and whimpered louder.

I'll teach you to deny me entrance, little girl. If you won't let me in, I'll bite my way in.

"What about dinner?", she asked, as if in a trance, her mind a million miles away.

She's mine. I smiled like Satan, having the finest angel of heaven in my clutches.

"Later.", I began working on the other breast, cupping it in my hand tightly as I licked and sucked, "I hate chicken anyway."

Then I bit again, gentler this time.

I'd rather have Selena breasts than chicken breasts anytime.

"Chicken?", she whispered, "What's…chicken?"

That's my girl!

I kissed her deeper, celebrating. We were sliding down to the floor, the nearby oven preheating, making us hotter as my hands clutched her full, round breasts, my mouth kissing her neck as she moaned louder.

"I forgot.", I finally answered, then asked.

"Hey, Selena…", I kissed her, "You ever been fucked silly on the kitchen floor before?"

She smiled, the room getting darker as the sun outside quickly sank, taking her light with her.

"Yes, once.", she said and I stopped, looking at her. She never told me this before. Was that the 33 second guy?

"Rosalie and I…", she began and my eyes popped out, my body froze.

What the fuck?

Then she laughed. "Gotcha.", she giggled at my reaction.

"You bitch…", I half smiled as she laughed harder.

She grabbed my face and brought me back to her, kissing me again, effectively shutting me up.

"And you say I have a sick sense of humor…", I muttered as she silenced me again, probing my mouth with her thirsty tongue.

"Shut up and do me.", she demanded, adding loudly, "THUMPER!"

I smirked, liking her style. This is not the same girl I met three weeks ago.

"Yes, Selena.", I obeyed, loving every second of it.



It wasn't until around eleven that night that we'd finally sat down to have our session after dinner.

Selena checked out her tape recorder. It had been awhile since we'd used it. She put a new tape inside and clicked it shut, hitting the record button.

I don't know why but I felt so elated that she was about to say those words.

"Justin…session eleven, I think.", she said, very professionally.

"Hello, Justin.", she greeted me kindly, as always.

"Justin Bieber.", I corrected, using my full name again, now that I was free…and clean. I could say my whole name without any fear or remorse.

She beamed back at me, a thick gaze of pride warming my body.

"Hello, Justin Bieber.", she said with such affection.

"Hello, Dr. Selena Gomez.", I said with too much emotion, my eyes adoring her, slaves to her. I wanted to give her the proper respect now, calling her Dr. Selena was childish and disrespectful. I just realized it now… and was so sorry.

She blushed a little, every light in the place off. Somehow it was easier this way.

"I remember how much I used to hate it when you'd announce the session.", I confessed, "Now…it makes me so happy. It's like…I know I'm about to get better every time you say it now."

She looked touched and I thought there were tears in her voice when she paused then said, "I'm so glad. That…means so much to me…that you feel that way. I think, though…that this session will be very hard…for both of us."

I looked down at my hands. They weren't in fists or nervously playing with something anymore. They laid on my legs, resting…peacefully. It was then that I really thought something was being cured inside me.

Then I thought on what she was saying. This session is going to be very hard. Yes, I guess she's right. There are a lot of life changing things happening. Tomorrow the federal marshals will be coming here to begin our entry into the witness protection program.

"I know.", I sighed, looking right at her, a dark, bluish figure staring back at me, always honest and direct while she was seated in her chair.

"So…", she took a breath, "What are your plans for us?"

I felt my confused face creep up. Plans?

"Well…", I began, "I thought…we were all going into the program…and meet Katie and Tanya's parents when we get to…wherever we're going. Isn't that the plan?"

She took a breath and it sounded very shaky to me.

"What's wrong?", my voice took on a strict, secretly frightened tone.

She didn't answer me. I got more scared.

"What's wrong I said.", I repeated, louder and more aggressively.

"Charlie.", she trembled audibly, rubbing her forehead, looking down, "He…won't go…into the program."

I felt my heart seize and my insides recoiled. Charlie's not coming. She's not coming. If I knew anything about Selena, it's that she loves him. And after how he was hurt…she wouldn't let him be alone. She'd take care of him, as a good daughter would.

"No.", I said gravely, staring at my hands…they were shivering now. I was in shock. I would lose Selena.

"No!", I looked at her, deciding that was not an option for me. My voice was desperate now, not strong anymore.

"I want to be honest with you…always.", she said with a sorrowful voice, avoiding my harsh eyes as they burned into her.

"No, Selena….no.", I kept saying the one word my heart kept screaming. I had to say more.

"Charlie asked me to go with him.", she said, even more fragile than before, "I didn't give him a direct answer at the time. But I…"

"I'll go with you.", I cut in, finding another way, "I'll have Ben, Angela, and Katie come to Forks. It's a small town. We can hide there."

"Don't you think I've thought of that?", she looked at me, slightly annoyed, then softened her eyes, "Victoria knew my whole background. She knows my hometown. I'm sure James knows it, too. School records. They'd find us."

"I don't care.", I spat out and then Selena looked up at me, her eyes hard now.

"You don't care.", she repeated, knowing it was a lie, "You don't care that Katie could be kidnapped? Or hurt? Or killed?"

My stomach sank and so did my eyes.

"Exactly.", she said, having her answer, "Besides…even if nothing happened…you'd never feel safe there. You'd never be able to relax there."

"Alright, I care.", I admitted, not wanting to lie in therapy, "But you're not going anywhere without me, Selena."

I hated the way I said that. So direct, so clingy…but I couldn't make myself care that much. I was going to be with her.


"Selena…", I cut her off again, "I don't want to hear it. If you go to Forks, I'm going with you. If you go to the Moon, I'm going with you. If you go to Hell, I'm going with you."

"I know Justin!", she shouted, "I know!"

"This is killing me, too, you know!", she kept her voice loud but I could hear the sadness behind the anger she spoke with.

"I can't choose between you and my father, I can't!", she cried, almost saying this to herself.

I wanted to be mad at her….and ever angrier at Charlie. But I couldn't do it. They'd saved me. They'd set me free. And now they wanted me to walk away, alone? It was beyond cruel. It's like releasing a bird from a cage and then snapping its wings off.

"What was the point of all this?", I heard my hurt speaking now, "Why would you teach me to see myself as more so you could just discard me into a box labeled not good enough?"

Instantly, before I could even hear Selena cry, I tried to take that back.

"I'm sorry.", I bit down on my teeth, "I don't mean that. I know it's not you. You've never made me feel inferior, not even a little bit. In fact, you treat me too well. Charlie thinks it, doesn't he? That I'm not good enough for you?"

She let out a little whimper as she cried, not answering me. That was my confirmation of it. I knew Charlie wasn't crazy about me, but I didn't think he'd try to stop us from being together. But then I thought of Katie. If she was in Selena's position, I'd have murdered the whore who tried to take her away from me.

"I'm still a whore. I'll always be a whore. Even if twenty years goes by, he'll still see me as a whore. I'm not clean. I'm just living in a new place.", I said, emptiness filling my voice and my soul.

"That's not true, Justin.", Selena was crying, "Don't do that to yourself. You're not a whore anymore. (She cringed, using that word.) You're mine. You're perfect."

"Apparently not.", I said quietly, the anger at Charlie building up now, "Do you want me to go? Is this your way of saying you don't want me?"

"NO!", she almost yelled it at me.

"Then I'm not going.", I stated, simply as that, "I'm not losing you, Selena."

"Maybe we could—"

"NO!", I clenched my eyes and then opened them, getting her attention, "I lost Tanya, I lost Katie…I lost everything! Then a thousand years later, when I thought I was dead inside and could never feel anything again, life gave me to you. You made me live again, Selena Gomez. And I'm not letting ANYTHING…man, time, tragedy, or even GOD take you away from me!"

I jerked to my feet, going to the door.

"Where are you GOING?', she cried harder, chasing me.

I looked down at my bare chest and jeans and figured I should put a shirt on.

"To see Charlie.", I informed flatly.

The problem was not here, it was in the hospital with Charlie Gomez. I was going to straighten this shit out right now.

I was yanking my white t shirt on when she blocked me coming out of the bedroom.

"Visiting hours are over, Justin.", she informed, "You'll never get into his room. There are also two cops standing outside his door. Wait until tomorrow."

"I can't.", I gently moved past her, picking up my sneakers.

"Please, Justin, we're still in the middle of a session.", she reminded, "Don't run out on me. Let's talk some more. You going after Charlie now, mad as you are, is not going to help things. If you want to get somewhere, you have to be calm."

"How can I be calm when my whole life is about to crumble AGAIN?", I trembled, hoping she couldn't see it, "I can't. I can't just stand by and let this happen to me again. This time, I'm fighting back! To the death, if that's what it takes."

"To the death?", she asked, sounding scared.

"You know what I mean.", I had my sneakers on now and stood up, about to get to the door as she blocked me, putting her back against the door, her arms on the walls beside it.

"Sit down, Justin Bieber!", she yelled at me, like a teacher would yell at an unruly student. It was sharp enough to stop me…for now at least.

I stared at her, my jaw set…but she was stronger than me.

"Sit. Down.", she demanded…and I couldn't disobey her. My slave nature is not gone yet, by any means. That would take time to overcome.

I sat down, silently, folding my arms, instantly feeling like a third grader.

She slowly came and took her chair across from me.

"Let's calm down.", she suggested, "We will both take a few deep breaths. Justin?"

I had tried to ignore her suggestion but then she was staring at me.

Like a brat, I inhaled deep and exhaled, the attitude still in me.

"Again…slower.", she said calmly, doing it with me this time. By the time we had done it for the fifth or sixth time, I did feel better…not so panicked anymore.

For a second, I felt like Selena's son instead of her boyfriend.

"Good.", she said patiently, probably knowing what a baby I could be during the hard sessions, "Better, Justin?"

I pouted for a moment then said, "Yes."

"Thank you.", I added a moment later, breaking the silence.

"You're welcome.", she replied….then waited for me to speak first.

Finally, I did.

"I'm in love with you, Selena.", I began with the most honest and obvious, "This is not some casual two weeks for me. I did love Tanya, but with you…it's different. I can't explain it…I let Tanya go….even before the fire. And every day I wonder to myself, if I hadn't…maybe she'd still be alive, maybe all this would've never happened to me. But then…I wouldn't have you. The point is…you're it for me. You're my last love. And I think that's even more powerful than first love. I don't want to let you go. I can't. I can't live without you, Selena."

I heard her sniffle but then she became all doctor again.

"First of all, I love you too.", she said, just as calmly as I had spoke, "But second…Justin…you could live without me. Even though that's a beautiful thing to say…and I loved hearing it. That is not true. You could live on…be with your daughter…Ben and Angela would be good for you, too. They would wholeheartedly help you, and let you lean on them when you needed someone, every step of the way. You know this. You're stronger than you believe. You love me but you absolutely could…live…without me."

I sighed.

"You know what I mean, Selena.", I wanted to yell again, but didn't, "I need you."

"That's another thing I wanted to bring up.", Selena said sadly, "And something I want you to think about."

"What?", I felt a lump in my chest, this sounded serious.

"Do you think…even in the back of your mind…", Selena asked, "That maybe…just maybe…you feel the way you feel about me…because…of all the therapy? I have made you feel free, and healed you, you've said more than once, I've helped you get to a good place in your life. I've tried to take some guilt off your shoulders about your past. And, amazingly enough, some of the things I've done with you have helped your peace of mind. You could be confusing what you're feeling with love…"

"Selena, that's absurd.", I refused to consider this theory. I almost said that's stupid to her, but I'm glad I didn't. She is not stupid, by any means. She's right, she had worked her magic on me and made me feel better than I've felt since forever…but that's not why I love her. It's just one of the reasons I do.

"Charlie and Emmett and Jasper helped me too, but you don't see me on my knees to them, declaring my undying love.", I pointed out.

"But, just think about it…", Selena began but I cut her off again.

"Please don't analyze US, Selena!", I frowned, not liking this, "You can analyze everything until it becomes NOTHING! I'll let you break me down and theorize all night, but don't do that to US! There are no mental or scientific explanations for what we have, Selena. Please…stop…tearing us down. I love you. Period. I'm proud of US. I'm not hallucinating or transferring or dependant or any other term they might slap on me. I love you. Live with it."

A long time went by but I refused to apologize this time.

"I am sorry.", she said, with such love in her voice that I just wanted to kiss her forever.

I waited then answered.

"You are forgiven."

"We will talk to my dad tomorrow.", she said, agreeing, sounding a little unsure, "We won't leave until he agrees to come with us."

"Really, Selena?", I felt and heard hope rising up inside me as I spoke.

"Really, Justin.", she answered and before she could finish, I was holding her in my arms, resting on my knees in front of her throne like the goddess she is. I didn't mind at all. She was loving me….holding me…kissing me…stroking my hair. I was hers. I would always be hers…I wouldn't let her leave me. I couldn't. Even in death, I would never leave her. Charlie would see both of us. He would have to see that we couldn't be apart. I prayed for him to have mercy on me again, like he did when he saw my whip marks. I prayed for him to see US.

And if that doesn't work, I'll chop off the other leg and drag him along behind us.

Yes, I'm kidding.

Jeez, you all must think I'm a psycho, too. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

Don't analyze me. I'm fine.

"There's more, though, Justin.", she said, snapping me out of my thoughts.

She motioned me back to the sofa…and I reluctantly returned there, sitting down.

"Alright. What?" I asked, whatever was coming had to less terrifying than her first couple of announcements.

"Once we decide…what we're going to do…", she made it sound so vague, "When we're moved…we need to find a good psychiatrist…for both of us. Actually, for Katie, too."

"What?", I asked, hating the idea of sitting down with a stranger now, "You're my doctor."

"I'm not a doctor yet, Justin.", she said, "You are the first person I've ever tried to counsel. I have a lot more school ahead, wherever we go, before I'm qualified to really help you. I wasn't supposed to help you, you know, my assignment was to talk to you, and observe you. We both are going to have some major issues in our lives. And Katie should see a child therapist, to help her deal with losing her mother… and also, having you back in her life again. It's not just going to be all happy and sunny the moment we're all together, you know."

"I know.", I retorted defensively.

"Do you?", she asked, making me feel dumb now.

"Yes.", I spat out, "And what issues?"

"I have to deal with what I did to Victoria.", she said, right out, "To pretend I never did it and move on will not work. If I really want to live and not let it eat me up inside, I have to discuss it…talk about it….analyze the hell out of it."

"I should've done it.", I admitted, "I'm so sorry, Selena. I just…couldn't. It would've made fire. I couldn't even move when you picked up that candle…even after…I would've run ten miles before I stopped…"

"Shhh, shhhh, shhhhh!", she stopped me again, "I'm glad I did what I did. But like I said, I need to deal with it. I can't counsel myself. And eventually, if I did counsel you and Katie on my own, it would exhaust me. I'm too close to you to be your doctor. It should be someone else. Someone you could go to and even complain about me if you needed to."

"I'll never complain.", I vowed.

She laughed a little.

"Every couple has times when they'll drive each other nuts.", she said, "It's natural. We're gonna hate each other sometimes. We'll argue, fight…"

"No!", I felt sick inside and she looked up at me with a strange gaze now.

"I'm not going to fight with you.", I stated, "I'll never say cruel things to you."

"Issue.", she raised a brow at me.

"Excuse me?", I felt irate now.

"There's an issue, right there.", Selena said smugly, "I don't want you to be some puppy that never dares to argue with me, who's always agreeable, always giving into what I want. It's been your life for so long and I don't blame you. But that's a problem you have to work on. Come on, let's have a fake argument right now. Just try it."

I didn't like this.

"No.", I said, sulking like a kid.

"Come on, it's not real.", she said, "I won't get mad at you."

"No, Selena.", I refused. She calmed me down and now wanted to upset me again. Why?

"Justin…", she leaned forward a little bit, "Do you want us to have a healthy relationship or not?"

I looked at her, torn.

"I don't want to be your new Victoria.", she said firmly, "I want you to FEEL as free as you are. Come on. I'll start."

I frowned and looked to the right as she began her little exercise.

"Justin, you know…", she acted pissed off, "I am getting so tired of cleaning up your stubble that you leave all over the bathroom! Don't you know how to wipe down the sink?"

My first thought was 'I'm sorry, Selena, I'll clean it right now.' But I knew that's not what she wanted. I decided to just play along, not meaning any of what I was about to say.

Smirking, a plan in place, I obviously teased her with, "That's what I have YOU for, Selena. Cleaning is women's work."

I smiled wide at her and she smiled back, knowing I was playing with her.

"Jerk.", she muttered under her breath, "Come on, Justin."

"Selena, I'm very mean.", I informed, "When I fight. Trust me. It's nothing to do with Victoria. I don't fight anymore. I can't."

"You do fight.", she argued, "Sometimes, things will happen where you have to fight. What are you gonna do when Katie wants a belly ring? What's gonna happen when a boy has her out late at night, two hours past her kurfew?"

I think the fear showed on my face because Selena smiled more at me.

"See?", she asked, loving how right she was, "Come on. I can take it."

I didn't answer.

"Justin, I have to go to see a male patient of mine tonight. He's a sex addict and he can't come to the office. I'm going to his house at about eleven tonight to have a session with him.", she said, waiting for me to argue.

This isn't playing fair. She had her finger right on one of my biggest triggers.

"The hell you are.", came out of my mouth. I stopped myself. I had said that calmly but very forbiddingly. I recognized my tone from when I used to fight with Tanya all the time. I hated it.

"This is my job, you can't stop me.", she said, with attitude.

"I have handcuffs.", I informed, still calm but dark, "I CAN stop you."

"What are you saying?", she got louder now, "You're gonna handcuff me? Who the hell do you think you are? My MASTER?"

My growl began to rise up inside me. I looked at Selena and she almost shrank back a bit.

"I'm a doctor, Justin, not your slave!", she tried next, "I can do whatever I want and I said I'm going…"

"You're my WIFE!", I stood, roaring the words at her, my fists clutched at my sides, my eyes on fire.

She went back in her chair hard, her eyes afraid of me.

I felt a gust of air escape from me and I backed away from her, sick to my stomach.

Tears leaked out of the corners of my eyes and I fought to breathe.

"I can't…", I breathed, the vision of her standing and coming to me, blurry through my wet eyes, "I can't…."

"Okay….it's okay…", she whispered to me, smoothing her hands up and down over my bare arms, "Shhhh….shhhh….I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's over…."

I kept thinking…I can't…I can't have a relationship…not a normal one, anyway. Selena is right. I'd have a fight with her someday, just like this one, and I'd snap…and the fucking beast would be out. Worse, what if it were Katie? She will be a teenager someday, telling me the same things as Selena just said.

Tanya always had work at night, at parties…I wondered if Selena said those things, knowing this was my big issue with my wife. Or maybe she just said it and got lucky. Even now, I wondered, did she mean we were over? Or the exercise was over?

As a slave, I never got the chance to argue at all, about anything. I was an agreeable little puppy dog, and the beast in me was dormant for years.

Why couldn't Selena be a Dominatrix? That would make it so much easier for me.

I had frightened her. I saw it in her eyes.

"This is why I don't fight.", I explained as my breath kept panting, I felt panic all through my body, "I'm rotten, Selena. I tortured Tanya for years! I made her cry. Even my last words to her made her cry…"

I broke away from her, undeserving of her understanding and touch. But I couldn't leave. I couldn't run out of her apartment. Remember what happened when I ran out on Tanya?

I ran to the kitchen, leaning on the cool counter for support, my head hanging down as I studied the surface of it.

"Hey.", she was back, stroking her hand up and down between my shoulder blades, "I'm here. I'm with you. I love you. That's not going to change. You don't have to hide your bad parts from me, Justin. To hide them is to let them live forever, deep inside, and always battle them. If you want to get rid of that guy who just screamed at me…and not let Katie see him someday…and by the way, we DO want him gone. Then we have to take him out and give him his medicine. "

"I know you think I enjoy doing these exercises with you, but there's a reason I push you like I do. And see, this is why someone besides me should be your doctor. Because you love me, you want to protect me and hide the darkest parts of yourself from me. But you can't do that. Not if you want peace.", she finished, far, far too good for me.

I sobbed, not able to hold it in anymore. And instead of shoving her away, I clung onto her again, holding her hand and getting an instant huge embrace from both her arms.

I held on for dear life, without hurting her.

"I'm sorry.", I said over and over as she rocked me a little, both embarrassed and weak, "I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I were better for you."

This is why nice, good girls don't want me, to keep. I am so damaged. So weak. No wonder Victoria snapped me right up like she did. She could probably smell the pathetic all over me.

"You will be better, I swear.", she held me tighter, kissing my shoulder, which was right near her mouth, "I will be with you…all the way. Partners, remember?"

I nodded, afraid if I'd talk I'd bawl again. I was trying to quiet myself, then another part of me thought, just let go, cry, forget your dignity. That part was quickly getting the upper hand.

"Partners.", I choked out.

"We're both gonna have times that we need to lean on each other…", said in my ear, "Even carry each other. That's alright. Don't be ashamed."

I wish I could do that. Not be ashamed. Would that feeling ever go away?

I decided it had to. I couldn't learn to live like this without Selena. I had to see Charlie tomorrow and convince him to come with us, to God knows where. More importantly, to give me a chance to be Selena's man, her partner. She had chosen me, despite all my flaws. He had to respect Selena's choice, even if he didn't respect me at all. I had one hell of a fight ahead of me. I couldn't cry and whimper like I was now. I couldn't be pathetic. Charlie would roll his eyes and hate me more.

I tried to steel myself inside, even as we tried to sleep, neither of us succeeding much. I would have to argue with Charlie. I'd have to let that monster inside me out, even if only for a little while. But then Selena said to be calm, not to be angry when I talked to Charlie.

I prayed for someone up there to help me tomorrow…to show me the way…and find the words that would make Charlie understand. God was going to look down at me and raise a brow, asking if I hadn't asked for and gotten enough of his help recently. Maybe I was pushing my luck here. And I couldn't afford to piss Luck off right now, either.

I closed my eyes…and tried to sleep.

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