Who I Am

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by , Friday September 18, 2020
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Who I Am

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Hey guys.

This is a really personal topic for me, but I think you guys have the right to know who I truly am, and how I got to where I am now. 

Let's start from the beginning. 

When I was born, my father left me and my mom. My mom was unable to care for me properly, causing me to get Pneumonia on several accounts. My grandparents gave her money to pay for my medicine, but instead of buying my medicine, she used the money to buy drugs. Then came along Mom's second boyfriend, Aaron. He constantly abused me and my mom and tested drugs on me. Mom sent me to a daycare in hopes of getting me out of Aaron's harmful ways, but I was abused at the daycare as well. At this point, I was too young to remember the abuse directly, but old enough for my body to remember. As a child, I was afraid of water, and as I got over that fear, a new fear of bathtubs grew in its place. So I can guess at the kind of things they did to me at the daycare. 

Eventually, Mom was sent to jail for the use of drugs, and I was thrown between households, looking for someone who would take care of me. Eventually, my grandmother decided to adopt me and my two brothers.

When I was 5 or 6, I would occasionally spend weekends at my aunt's and uncle's house. My aunt wasn't home often, because she had to work. One night, my aunt was working night shift. My uncle came into my room, and raped me. I didn't know what was going on, I thought it was a game. "A secret game", as he would call it. As I grew older, I was absolutely traumatised by what had happened.

When I was in 3rd grade, one of my best friends (and first crush), Nathan, died from a muscular disease. In 2014, my eldest brother passed away from an enlarged heart due to drug use. In 2015, my grandfather died as well. It was horrifying. 

After grandpa died, grandma began to develop dementia. But that's a whole different story.

Ever since the sixth grade, I've been having episodes of serious depression, which have landed me in the mental hospital every year since. I've tried to kill myself 4 times, and I've self-harmed on countless occasions. I felt like I deserved the pain. And each time I cut, I went deeper and deeper, until I had to have stitches. 

Since then, I've been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Generalised Anxiety, Social Anxiety, Developmental Trauma, and ADHD.

Well, I guess that's it up until now. Now you guys know.

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