Looking at the Reflection of Me .

by , Monday November 13, 2017
Looking at the Reflection of Me .

I would never want to treat someone the way I treat myself.

I am never going to tell another person about personal necessities and self-worth, without first acknowledging my own. 

I realize that I do this so often, and it's such a hypocritical thing to do. I tell people I care about to "remember to love yourself" and "put yourself first" and "appreciate who you are".. ranting and raving about self worth, yet failing to do this for myself. 

Sometimes, I treat myself with hatred. I constantly find problems with who I am, obsess over flaws that other people don't even notice, & destroy myself over minor mistakes in judgement/character. 

It gets to a point where I'm convincing myself that I'm this monster of a person, some sort of disgusting, unforgivable human being.  Some of the meanest and ugliest things I've heard about myself have come from me..

It's such an awful, festering hatred I have for myself. 

And once I realized this, I tried to figure out why? Why do I give myself so much villainous power over my self-esteem, even more than people who love and support me? I let insecurities I've created for myself hold me back. 

I find myself actually dismissing a loved one when they point out a positive aspect on my personality, or cringing inwardly when someone calls me pretty or beautiful; or shows interest in me in a romantic way, as if the idea of someone finding me attractive is some sort of crazy, unfathomable notion. 

I can’t even figure out why I do stuff like this. I've honestly thought about it, and I can't come up with a justifiable reason. I grew up in a household that taught me to love and respect who I am as a person, and not listen to the media and try to distort myself for some of society's ridiculous standards, so I I'm not really sure where it stems from. 

Maybe I've picked up on this self-depreciation that seems very popular in my generation, maybe it's something much deeper than that. 

All I know is, this isn't a healthy outlook, and it's not something I have to put myself through. 

I'm at a point in my life where I'm nearing closer to adulthood, and I'm trying to make more logical decisions. I'm not gonna keep doing actions that show no benefit to my well-being. I want to try new things without being afraid to mess up, I want to say things I've always feared announcing, I want to post that chapter without being nervous, I want to not be scared to want things for myself.  I deserve love, I desevere positivity and joy from my life! 

I'm trying to look for ways to fix this. I'm trying to change my thought process, see things in a new way. I've realized that a lot of the qualities/flaws that I dislike in myself, I'd more than likely be fine with in other people. 

If a friend came to me, complaining about the physical flaws I complain about, I’d show them ways to celebrate them. If they mentioned some emotional or behavioral traits that could be improved, I would try to build on them and give constructive ways to help them work on it. Why don’t I do this for myself? As a person that finds it important for people to love themselves and never diminish their worth, I have to remember that “people” includes me!

I’ve found that when I’m looking at myself, and start up on all those negative thoughts, I try to see myself through the eyes someone that cares about me, someone that loves or respects me.

A mother, a father, a friend, a lover, a teacher, or colleague; anyone I know would never disrespect me, or tear me down.

Seeing myself through the eyes of someone who cares about me helps me to see me as the person that wants to thrive and grow; and she wants to prosper and do her my very best! :) 

It helps me avoid the own nit-picky,  judgmental viewpoint of myself.

I hope that it gets to a point that I’m doing this so consistently that it’s happening automatically, that it feels less like I’m forcing my brain to be positive about myself, and more natural, because I believe that loving/caring about myself shouldn’t be the strenuous task that I’ve made it out to be.

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