FemaleUnited KingdomMember since 26 Jan 12Age 19Last online 1 days ago

I'm an English Language student at University I intend to give some decent constructive criticism instead of the common 'love it!' kinda comments.
I joined this website when it first launched so if any new members have any queries, be sure to leave me a message.

  • Sabitha.K
    2 days agoReply
    Welcome back @[SlenderMan_] we all missed you, you are such a talented writer and we all missed you, it's nice to see you have come back.
    2 days ago
    Thank you - glad to be back! Send me a link to anything you want constructive criticism for and be sure to read my new movella x
  • SlenderMan_
    'Clouds of sunset pink and pale blue, breaking apart to show the sun's rays and the azure skies had formed in the atmosphere' - this sentence doesn't make sense due to the tense confusion. I think it would work better as 'Clouds of sunset pink and pale blue broke apart to show the sun's rays and the azure skies'.
    'Rushed past and through them' - make it clear here that she is flying through the clouds.
    'For their offspring - change 'off' to 'to'.
    'More than five hundreds years ago' - why?
    I love your imagery of the sun falling beneath the world.
    Your metaphor of the surfer as a bit flimsy and doesn't fit the elegant image you are trying to create.
    'Woven together trees' - I can understand what you're saying here but the noun phrase isn't as strong as it could be - try 'clustered trees' or something similar.
    'The portal open. Its energy was captivating' - I like this, but to get rid of the dreaded 'was' trying reforming the sentence to 'The portal opened - its energy captivating'.
    'I can carry him, Captain. Thank you very much' - I think you should get rid of 'thank you very much' as this makes her seem common and less regal. She is a royal after all.
    'This sight is not in anyway good' - for this case it should be 'any way' rather than 'anyway' as they both have different meanings.
    'He will not last much longer' seems a bit dramatic for someone who is only suffering from fatigue, especially when he manages to walk by himself near the end of the chapter and looked 'barely harmed'.
    'Being use to japes was one thing, but when someone were to die because o the fear of one person - that was plane foolishness in Alva's eyes' - I think you might need to play around with the structure of this sentence a bit. Also, change 'use' to 'used'.
    'Of course; my lady,' change this to 'yes, my lady', or something similar, as you have already written 'of course' in the dialogue a couple of line above.
    I like that you end with a question - keeps the readers hooked and more inclined to read the next chapter. Hope this helps :)

    Above the realms of men, dance the Light Elves of Alfheim. Wise, immortal and captivating... These creatures are blessed by the Aesir and have harnessed the power of flight. But when war strikes down upon...
    1 Like
    Yes thank you! :) I'll adapt it very soon - and am sure to find it easier with this advice! :D
    2 days ago
    That's okay! Be sure to read my new movella since returning :)
    Crooked YoungThis story is what is called an exposé - something loosely based on all the drama in my life. The characters of this story take the names of the real peopl...
    1 Like
    Yeah definitely! :)
  • SlenderMan_
    '...Never caring to stand out from the crowd; as one might put' - I think the semi colon should be changed to '-'.
    'None of them can ever seem to realise we're here' - I understand what you're trying to say here, but it doesn't quite make grammatical sense. I'd think about rewording this sentence.
    'Gleaming, glistening' - these two words both mean the same thing so one of them is redundant. You only need one of them. Be sure not to overwork the descriptive detail otherwise it becomes too heavy.
    'We reach out with our talons of despair, and we grab them' - again this is redundant because you're saying the same thing twice.
    'The human race are all the same to us, with their idiot of a leveller-...' I think you should change the comma to '-' as well.
    Remember to start a new line for each piece of dialogue, might have been a formatting issue near the beginning.
    'I want to pull them right apart right now' - you've repeated 'right' twice in the same clause - try to avoid this like you would with 'was'. Personally, I would remove 'right now'.
    'The boy startles' - you've got a bit of verb confusion in your present tense here. This means that the boy is trying to startle someone else, although I know you're trying to show that he himself is the one who is startled.
    'being that it is in the mind of such a despicably being as a human' - again the repetition of 'being' leads to confusion and makes this hard to read. You could change this to 'being that it is in the mind of such a despicable creature'.
    I like how, although your protagonist hates humans, he/she is not failing to show an interest in the humans' activities.
    'Grinning as though he doesn't realise what he did' - again, tense confusion - you're switching from present, to past, to present and then to past again.
    'Entourage of wannabes and weirdos' - I like this!
    'And so inch closer' - typo here, missing the 'I'.
    'Careful not to touch anyone' - plothole here, as he kicked a previous character in the shin.
    'As though I can never forget, or something terrible will happen'. What's happening here? Why is there a dead body?
    I am aware this isn't constructive criticism for the whole of the first chapter, but let me know if this is useful and I will provide more :)
    We are the Damned
    We are the Damned
    'We are the Damned, and we Damn you.' Meet Kear: Deadly, dangerous, and damned for all eternity to live in the Mantle, a Level of the world ablaze with fire and a spark of torture. Very few are ever...
    The Fox
    2 days ago
    1 Like
    Thanks so much for this, especially that last part about the plothole - I'll be sure to fix that. Thanks again! :)
    2 days ago
    That's okay! Be sure to read the movella I posted upon returning to the site :)
    Crooked YoungThis story is what is called an exposé - something loosely based on all the drama in my life. The characters of this story take the names of the real peopl...

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