FemaleUnited KingdomMember since 26 Jan 12Age 19Last online 1 weeks ago

I'm an English Language student at University I intend to give some decent constructive criticism instead of the common 'love it!' kinda comments.
I joined this website when it first launched so if any new members have any queries, be sure to leave me a message.

  • SlenderMan_
    1 months agoReply
    So, I don't know if you remember me, but you commented on my movella Before I Die about a year ago asking whether or not you should tell a certain Dylan that you like him. The question is - did you? :)

  • Sabitha.K
    2 months agoReply
    Welcome back @[SlenderMan_] we all missed you, you are such a talented writer and we all missed you, it's nice to see you have come back.
    SlenderMan_
    2 months ago
    Thank you - glad to be back! Send me a link to anything you want constructive criticism for and be sure to read my new movella x
  • SlenderMan_
    2 months agoReply
    'Clouds of sunset pink and pale blue, breaking apart to show the sun's rays and the azure skies had formed in the atmosphere' - this sentence doesn't make sense due to the tense confusion. I think it would work better as 'Clouds of sunset pink and pale blue broke apart to show the sun's rays and the azure skies'.
    'Rushed past and through them' - make it clear here that she is flying through the clouds.
    'For their offspring - change 'off' to 'to'.
    'More than five hundreds years ago' - why?
    I love your imagery of the sun falling beneath the world.
    Your metaphor of the surfer as a bit flimsy and doesn't fit the elegant image you are trying to create.
    'Woven together trees' - I can understand what you're saying here but the noun phrase isn't as strong as it could be - try 'clustered trees' or something similar.
    'The portal open. Its energy was captivating' - I like this, but to get rid of the dreaded 'was' trying reforming the sentence to 'The portal opened - its energy captivating'.
    'I can carry him, Captain. Thank you very much' - I think you should get rid of 'thank you very much' as this makes her seem common and less regal. She is a royal after all.
    'This sight is not in anyway good' - for this case it should be 'any way' rather than 'anyway' as they both have different meanings.
    'He will not last much longer' seems a bit dramatic for someone who is only suffering from fatigue, especially when he manages to walk by himself near the end of the chapter and looked 'barely harmed'.
    'Being use to japes was one thing, but when someone were to die because o the fear of one person - that was plane foolishness in Alva's eyes' - I think you might need to play around with the structure of this sentence a bit. Also, change 'use' to 'used'.
    'Of course; my lady,' change this to 'yes, my lady', or something similar, as you have already written 'of course' in the dialogue a couple of line above.
    I like that you end with a question - keeps the readers hooked and more inclined to read the next chapter. Hope this helps :)

    Firefly
    Firefly
    9
    1273
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    Above the realms of men, dance the Light Elves of Alfheim. Wise, immortal and captivating... These creatures are blessed by the Aesir and have harnessed the power of flight. But when war strikes down upon...
    A_Books_Magic_Moment
    1 Like
    Yes thank you! :) I'll adapt it very soon - and am sure to find it easier with this advice! :D
    SlenderMan_
    2 months ago
    That's okay! Be sure to read my new movella since returning :)
    Crooked YoungThis story is what is called an exposé - something loosely based on all the drama in my life. The characters of this story take the names of the real peopl...
    A_Books_Magic_Moment
    1 Like
    Yeah definitely! :)
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