MaleUnited StatesMember since 25 Aug 12Age 54Last online 11 months ago

  • Wssmith
    5 years agoReply
    "I had always kept reality at bay, from my head, down my pen, to the notes on my page."

    Fantastic line.

    Question. Who is passing down the pen?
    The ink of my legacy
    The ink of my lega...
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    I used that pen to write my first story and it got published. Now that I'm leaving I have to pass it down. Copyright (c)
    xxJenJenxx
    5 years ago
    Thank you, there isn't really an answer to your question as I left it blank so the reader could fill in the gaps however they want to!
  • Wssmith
    5 years agoReply
    Your flow is good and so is your use of dialogue. Every 10 pages or so go back and do a little rewrite, clean up your work, don’t try to make it perfect, just tweak your story if you feel it needs it. This helps me keep the story path in my head as I move along. It also helps me to make sure my chapters relate which is very important to a reader in my opinion.
    Once you’ve got some matter on the page so to speak, meaning I like to free write my stories. I just write while the ideas are in my head. I can always go back and fix my first, second, or however many drafts I write. Once you’ve got your ideas down go back and improve on it. Research the correct terminology, time line, etc. Anyway very good work, keep at it and I will be sure to keep reading.
    Thanks
    NOT SPECIFIED YET!
    NOT SPECIFIED YET!
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    This story is full of mystery... magic.. vampires werewolves.. and all such things.. which you would never have heard of.. nor seen even in your dreams.. hold your breath before you start...it has little...
    Sherin
    5 years ago
    thank you miss for your suggestion.. i will surely do this.. i am not from an English speaking country.. so it is little bit hard for me to write like this.. but i love English..
  • Wssmith

    Romance

    5 years agoReply
    I tried my hand at a short contemporary romance. I would love any feedback and will return the favor. Love Letters in the Sand.
  • Wssmith
    5 years agoReply
    Historically bold effort for a 16 year old. You have a good flow, but are a little over discriptive. Also, remember that a good writer will write better if they write about things they know. Now any subject can be researched, What I mean is that your story might be better written from the perspective of your own life experiences. Regardless of the setting a character will be more believable if she's real. A 16 to 18 year old who loses her father or boyfriend in the war. She even can be pregnant by her boyfriend, married or not, maybe newlyweds who married early because of the war.

    Check on your story details, WWII was not really called that until well after the war. And depending upon the time people in England/London would not have opened there blackout curtains to look out. The suspense of waiting behind those curtains to find out who the messenger was for would add a lot of dramatic effect. I think you have a great deal of talent and I would love to reread this story again after a relight if you are so inclined. Best wishes nd keep it.
    The Telegram
    The Telegram
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    On a rainy night in 1944, twenty-one year old Mari Lawrence receives the news that everyone dreads - their loved one has been killed in action. For Mari, it is her husband. After enduring shock and grief,...
    Y. Nirvana
    5 years ago
    Thank you, I appreciate the time you took to read this. I did mean to set this piece at a time where the government were more relaxed towards the extreme rules put in place concerning the blackout. I knew that they began ordering people to blackout their homes and refrain from using light a few days before the outbreak of war, but after further research, I realise that I was slightly out on the year that they began the 'dim out'. I will alter the date in the blurb. I put 'world war two' as a tag on this story because these are the recollections of a woman after the war has ended (hence the past tense). I usually do several re-writes so this is still a rough draft. Thanks for your feedback.
  • Wssmith
    5 years agoReply
    Your prologue did not grab me as a reader. It explained the setting but my mind saw only white space, meaning it did not paint any pictures for my imagination to use. To me your prologue as you have written it should be used by you as almost an outline for your story. A nice opening would be your Chapter One. Your character is in the woods, she is hunting, why is she hunting? There is deprivation in her land. Why is there deprivation? Because of the Dictator. It was not always this way… so on. After her time in the woods I think your character would be extra cautious and quite because of the hunting not so much because of the Guards in that you say they do not come into the woods, or if so very rarely. Build the tension of her hunting scene where she hears what turns out to be the rabbit. She knows the myths of the forest, she’s tense, her senses are honed, and she smells the woods, still tastes the berries on her lips feels the sun on her face. She’s ready, and then out hops the rabbit. She relaxes, decides not to take that game but continues on to the river, stream, lake or whatever. During the course of the rest of her hunting trip or whenever you as the author feel its right, start giving the reader a little more background on your world. Great start, as a reader I’ve already started to like your character and that’s just from the first chapter. Keep it up.
    The City (On Hold)
    The City (On Hold)
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    Ariana lives in The City. The people there are oppressed by The Dictator and fearful of his Ritual. But soon, their fear is fading and they are no longer willing to suffer in silence. When rebellion breaks...
    tashajjayne
    5 years ago
    Thanks! I'll take what you've said into consideration, but I wanted the Prologue to be detached, so it would contrast with the rest of it
    Wssmith
    5 years ago
    I can see that. It was detached, and the contrast works. But you may might only have the Prologue to catch and hold your reader. It should tease them like the subtle whiff of a woman's perfume.
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