IcelandMember since 29 Mar 14Last online 4 years ago

I'm here to criticize. If it's good, it's good. If it's bad, I'll tell you it's bad. No compromises.

  • The Critic
    4 years agoReply
    The story is quite disturbing. I assume that was your intention. It portrays the horror and the fear in the first chapter of this movella. Of course, it is just the beginning but rather interesting in its own way. It is confusing as the story is just beginning and I cannot say much on it. The feel is good. I recommend you to work on it; it is a nice piece of work. Keep it up.
    State of Mind
    State of Mind
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    531
    5
    Based on a true story. The fear of being buried alive is overwhelming. It can jumble up your mind so much, that you're on the verge of insanity. The story of a girl. The story of a premature burial....
    The Critic
    4 years ago
    That is completely okay. I like providing input. Did you say it happened to your friend? How tragic! How did she go through all that? It must have been quite difficult. My prayers are with her. God Bless You for sharing it on a social platform for young readers and writers.
    Emma SG
    4 years ago
    She was treated very bad in the asylum/preserve. The place was later reported to the police and was shut down by the state a few months ago
    Emma SG
    4 years ago
    She and I kept contact after it happened. She moved away because she was getting questions and everyone treated her differently, afraid to say something wrong. She just couldn't keep up with the sympathy. She was mentally unstable for 1½ year, but came back on track slowly. She's doing much better now, though.
  • The Critic
    4 years agoReply
    1 Like
    This movella of yours has a very nice and unique idea. Quite impressive, actually. However, there were slight mistakes, for example, ‘you looked in the direction of mine’ is incorrect, and you can replace it with ‘you looked in my direction’ and ‘for a moment you just stare,’ replace the stare with ‘stared’. Other than that, it was fascinating. It is creative and quite different from other short stories. Keep it up!
    Bookworm Love
    Bookworm Love
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    793
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    *Editor's Choice of the FigmentInLove Contest. Cover by Writer* A fictional character gains a crush on a costumer in the bookstore but becomes jealous whenever the newcomer's attention is drawn to another...
    Artemis J. Potter
    Thank you! And thank you for the criticism. I'm a grammar freak so I'll have to check on that :p
  • The Critic
    4 years agoReply
    Chapter One: “I was, once upon a full moon, but a vampire bit me, and ‘in’ became this half-breed,” it should be ‘I’. A spelling mistake in “I was rusnnign though the dark town…”, “her eyes wide with fear and astonisghment,” “Well, nodeded, and exited the kitchen after them” and “merpeople and werewoplves.”

    Chapter Two: It is alright, no problems there. It seemed inspired from Harry Potter.

    Chapter Three: No problems there.
    Plot: Okay
    Pace: Good
    Descriptions: Nicely Described
    Dialogues: Good
    Flow: Good
    Errors: Spelling errors
    Overall Impression: The story was okay. A light read. Few mistakes in chapter one, but that’s alright. I liked the way you ended Chapter Three, it makes you intrigued as to what design Alite chose. Nice job. But take care of the spellings, use spell-check or read it again before publishing. Keep it up.
    Alite Malo and the Blood Heart
    Alite Malo and the...
    9
    218
    8
    Alite Malo is different. She always has been. Her kind live along the normal people. Hiding, trying not to be seen. One night, she gets a visit from a girl in black. She is finally...
    Le Fox
    4 years ago
    Thank you for the help. I usually write it on word and then quickly skim over it to look for mistakes, but I don't adjust see them all, so than you for pointing them out.
  • The Critic
    4 years agoReply
    Chapter One: It seems you have missed a word on, “I run back to my room and grab my bag. I put my, my wallet, and some extra makeup in the bad and head down stairs. I think you should put a comma at “I’m going to a part with Cassandra (insert comma here) dad.” It would be more appropriate. I didn’t get what you meant when you wrote “She walks up to the fire and knows twice. Once. Three times”, and “She smirks, looking at my ‘bisbelieving’ and ‘write freely’ disgusted expression.” As far as I know, bisbelieving’s not a word. In addition, you missed an inverted comma in- “Then why are you here?” I ask. <Insert Inverted Comma Here> There are plenty of pretty girls here, who actually want a boy’s company.” A comma in, “Wait <comma here> did you just call me beautiful,” would be nice too. Also, “I kick him roughly I the stomach and he doubles over in pain,” missed out an ‘in’.
    I don’t think it’s a good idea to let a girl, who was drunk, to drive the car. I felt that “Sleeping in the trees” is quite impractical, though it is fiction. One, you can’t sleep inside a tree unless it is hollow, and two, if the car broke down, the first thing people do is try to fix it and if all fails, they call for some help.
    Since it’s written in a casual tone, the use of “wrath” and “defiance” kind of appears forced in. Those words come under formal and semi-formal tone, not in casual. I think it’s better to stick to one manner of speech.

    Plot: Fair
    Pace: Okay
    Descriptions: Normal
    Dialogues: Normal
    Flow: Good
    Errors: Punctuation and missing words
    Overall Impression: Since it’s a science fiction movella, you haven’t quite portrayed the science fiction element of the movella in the first chapter. It appears more like a teenage fiction than science fiction. I hope you do so in the updates. There were punctuation errors and missing words. I suggest you to go over your work, read them carefully, use spell-check and do the corrections before publishing a chapter. The “sleeping in the trees” was impractical in my point of view, and letting a drunken girl drive is actually against the law. I’ll say keep working hard, go over what you have written, stick to the genre you have opted and follow a single manner of speech.
    Love
    Love
    6
    48
    10
    "30 days is all that I have left. 30 days until I become sixteen. Thirty days until I have to make a choice. 30 days until I start a new life." Sienna has thirty days until she becomes a...
    Le Fox
    4 years ago
    Thank you for the help! The idea is sort of that the protagonist(Sienna) live in a Utopian world, where there is hardly any rules for people who are not sixteen, so they just have fun. The plot is that she has to make this choice, which I don't really want to reveal too much about, and she finds out all this sci-fi technology when she does something she shouldn't, so yeah. I see where you're coming from though, it does seem a little like a teen fiction right now, but it will get more sciencey soon.
    Anyway, thanks for the help!
    The Critic
    4 years ago
    I see. Interesting notion. Keep it up, though. :)
  • The Critic
    4 years agoReply
    Chapter One: Nice way to show the timeline of the events that had occurred before the start of the story. Divulging straight into the story and referencing it back and forth might have proved to be perplexing. Adequate chapter, good portrayal and well done.

    Chapter Two: Since English isn’t your first language, I will just advise you to use words other than “said”. At times, “said” becomes monotonous. You must expand your vocabulary, and use “sighed”, “exhaled”, “smirked”, etc. To get you started- spwickstrom.com/said/ this is a webpage which will tell you of the words you can use instead of “said”, for its meaning you can go through the dictionary or you can search the net. There are other websites too.
    Also, I would advise you to refrain from making a reference to the other comic. Like you could say, “He was fast enough to race the speed of light, though he’d lose by four milliseconds. He was that fast”, instead of “He was fast as in the Flash from the comics fast.”

    Chapter Three: Third paragraph- “They took over the skyscraper nearby, and we’re the only place near to it that has our kind of stuff in it,” is rather confusing. Were you implying that the skyscraper has “our” kind of stuff, or that the protagonist’s storage had “their” (the gang) kind of stuff.
    Last Paragraph, Last Line- “I just hope there’s some way “I” can change things someday, make everything good again.” There’s nothing wrong with the line it’s just that I felt that Pyro, in the previous chapter and this one, didn’t indicate a desire to change the world or the city he lived in. He seemed like a guy who was going along with whatever happened, though he disliked it. I couldn’t find the desire or the motivation to change the world. Maybe you could make the line a bit distant like “I just hope, someday, someway, things change; somehow everything becomes good again.” But I’m not a writer, I’m a critic, so feel free to accept it or reject it.

    Plot: Fairly Intriguing
    Pace: Okay
    Descriptions: Specific, straightforward and to the point
    Dialogues: Excess use of “said”
    Flow: Smooth
    Errors: None could be found
    Pros: i) Intriguing plot
    ii) Good visualization of powers and action sequences
    Cons: i) Excessive use of “said”
    ii) The ending line felt too sudden
    Overall Impression: It has a good plot, nice storyline and amazing visualization of action sequences. I see you’re competing for a competition, hope you do well. I don’t mean to be repetitive, but I really do suggest using words other than “said” (The link is above, or you can search it yourself). Considering your first language is Spanish, I’ll say it’s a nice effort and job well done. Keep reading novels or storybooks, it’ll help enrich your language skills and expand your vocabulary.
    Hope and Fire (competition version)
    Hope and Fire (com...
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    605
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    The year is 2018, four years ago, people started vanishing, mostly between the ages of 30 and 50. In the year 2015, the world descended into chaos. By 2017, the few people who were left were gaining powers....
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