MaleUnited KingdomMember since 23 Mar 13Age 21Last online 4 years ago


I'm serious about becoming serious in writing. What else is there to say?

  • Storm
    4 years agoReply
    Hi, take a moment to check my competition entry :)

    ChainsWhen the mangled body of a steward is found at Meon's estate, he summons his old best friend Adam accompanied by his apprentice Rad, to investigate. Little...
  • Storm
    4 years agoReply
    It's a neat little idea but you need to work a lot on it. The first paragraph needs to have more of a pull - a girl riding home is hardly interesting, you should hint at the meteor and its significance from the start. You should probably lengthen it out a bit as a lot of the things happen too fast. You should emphasize the hugeness of the moon coming towards them and make the whole thing a whole lot more dramatic/terrifying, Mom having a heart attack wouldn't be a half bad. Keep it up :)
    37 Days of Ash
    37 Days of Ash
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    One day, it came. They all erupted, covering the Earth in ash. Our last satellite picture, was a grey ball. We will die from no sunlight. We will suffer.
    Dumpling Princess
    yeah thanks but this first chapter is supposed to be a quick explanatory chapter. Most of my writing is drawn out and all. Thanks about the moon things. I'll work and edit it later when I have time. :)
  • Storm
    4 years agoReply
    This is quite nice, I'm pretty sure there is a hidden meaning in it that I haven't figured out. A lot of nice symbolisms by comparing the Prophet and the Priest and implying how all is meaningless before Time. In places I think you could smooth it out and improve.

    Instead of "Ice had started to creep across the city, due to its immeasurable height." I think something like "Cold ice, born from cold air, creeped its way on the edges of warm houses, prying at the windows and doors." But that's just my opinion.

    Also the priest paragraph could be improved, you repeat some things too much and you might wanna divide it all into a few more paragraphs as it becomes a bit of a wall-of-text. I think it'd be great if you expand as to why all the cities are so high up. Otherwise it's quite good and has good potential. :)
    The Immortal
    The Immortal
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    In a future were people worship time, a dying man questions his faith in his final moments.
    Peter134
    4 years ago
    Thanks for the advice, it's quite helpful. :0
  • Storm
    4 years agoReply
    Chapter 1:

    The beginning line sets the topic into self-harm, it works well but I feel like it could be made more snappy by compacting it a bit. You carry on talking about pleasure and numbness, which is an interesting antithesis but you need to compare them more and add more bodily response like moaning or paralysis into it, to make it feel more real.

    The triple `no` works great at describing the greyness of it, though, and that is a really good bit. But I feel as though the initial line becomes obsolote because you only mention it once and don't carry it on until the next paragraph, it loses its impact.

    The second paragraph is great, by all means, you set the character well as well as the teenage infatuation of seeing someone attractive. The dialogue that follows is pretty good, except for the initial line of the boy, comes off as very random and you should probably set new paragraphs for the dialogue, currently it gets very clumped up and hard to figure out who's talking.

    And the flirting as he followed her really put me off – considering the self cutting, it really felt out of place, as did him going from a smug flirter to being near tears and back to being smug. It's too drastic and feels way too random and very unrealistic. You might wanna add ellipsis ( ... ) after hmms and umms to set a better pacing for the speech.

    Chapter 2:

    Some grammar/words missing at the start. You develop the character nicely by contrasting her with emos and hinting at shyness which develops the character, so does your character talking about her boobs/legs to bring in the real side to her.

    I'd like to the try and rewrite the bit about her dad trying to molest her. Try and dance around the subject and drop hints to make the reader figure it out, something like:

    `But that was before everything happened. Before dad started stumbling into my room at night, closing down the shutters so the wind became dead. Climbing into my bed and waking me. A beer drenched hand groping around where it shouldn't be...` Also, mentioning that he's friends with the police earlier on is gonna have a way better impact.

    Also it'd be good to tie the abuse in with the cutting?

    You start info dumping after that. All the job info I'd reserve for a future chapter where she may be at her job, or something. The tree and other memorie come across well, but I think you could improve it by referring to the memories as a third person to make it seem more like an alien past.

    `Burned deeper than my soul` Needs to probable be re-phrased.

    `He had such an anger inside of him,` It'd be better if you use a simile and compared him to a predator. Something like `The look in his eyes that night... it was wild, like a predator.` But I really think the flashback is badly placed, it knocks the focus off George.

    The encounter in the kitchen is all good, but I'd add a `suddenly` before `my hair was yanked back` and start a new paragraph with it to separata the event. Overall, you need to put in more paragraphs and organize it tidily.

    The little brother comes across phenomenally, with the hugging, using `daddy` `sissy` and stuff like that.

    And lastly, the texts were pretty good & creepy. But you should consider rewriting them and slowing down the pace with some commas to get a really disturbing sense of being stalked. Overall, this is good and can definitively get better.

    Do check my out, The Great Dark and critique. Doesn't have to a long ass one, just starting on this site and anything'll help :).
    Enough
    Enough
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    Calling CPS wouldn't help; all that would do is separate Joey and I. I won’t let that happen. I can take a few beatings from George for my brother. I’m sixteen, two more years and Joey and I will be...
    SlutForStyles
    4 years ago
    Hi, I've went over all of your reviews and changed things I agreed with you on. Thank you, finally some constructive criticism. I know I have plenty of room to improve in my writing and I'm never going to enhance my writing skills if no one is truthful with me. Tell me what you think of the changes, if you want. Thank you. xx
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