United StatesMember since 21 Sep 13Last online 3 years ago

  • Samluvzayn@gmail.com

    mumbled "ZAYN101"

    I saw a guy with black hair and a Blound streec in it. " can I help u " I said. " yes I need a blak lovey for my girl friend" said the guy. " yes, here is some of them I said. Are hand toched as me and him toched the loocet." This is good " he said. " oh ok that's $10" i said. I gave him his re-sect. Then he rice 3 min and then have it back to me. It said ZAYN-7025670321. " wow his number" I said.
    L. L. Lovecraft
    4 years ago
    If you're trying to write a movella (story) then go to Stories and click New Movella so you can make if official.
    If you're looking for feedback on this piece well...
    1) Blonde, not Blound
    2) streak, not streec
    3) Capitalize at the beginning of dialogue
    4) black, not blak
    5) I don't know what a 'lovey' is so I can't help you there
    6) Punctuation at the end of the dialogue
    7) our, not are
    8) touched, not touched
    9) locket, not loocet
    10) ALWAYS capitalize 'I'
    11) receipt, not re-sect
    12) the word 'rice' doesn't make sense there
    13) handed, not have

    So yeah, here's what it should look like if you make those revisions:

    I saw a guy with black hair and a blonde streak in it.
    "Can I help u?" I asked.
    "Yes I need a black lovey for my girlfriend," said the guy.
    "Okay, here is some of them," I said.
    Our hands touched as me and him reached for the locket.
    "This is good," he said shyly.
    "Oh ok, that's $10," I told him.
    I gave him his receipt. Then he rice 3 min and then handed it back to me. It said 'ZAYN-7025670321'.
    "Wow, his number," I thought.

    If you need any help with improving your writing, feel free to ask me any time :)
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