FemaleUnited StatesMember since 15 Dec 13Age 22Last online 3 years ago

  • Samansa
    3 years agoReply
    Hi Jayla, I just started reading this novel and I am really enjoying it. I can honestly say I am not a big open fan of just regular romances but I find this story to be quite interesting seeing as I have made a few Sim storylines based among these lines. I do have acomment I wanted to mention though. The chapter after the party incident where Krissy broke her arm, I felt as if you forgot that she broke her arm. When I read it I was somewhat confused because it seemed to be the next day but there wasn't any mention of her shoulder, arm, or the sling and the fact that she was going to play baseball had me a bit confused. Other than that, and a few typos(understandable though), I have enjoyed reading this. Thankyou for the entertainment Jayla :)
    Daddy Won't Know
    Daddy Won't Know
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    Krissy Evans is a good girl. She always has been. Until she is convinced to come to her first end of the year party. Her image soon changes when she is thrown together with Colton Flynn in 7 Minutes In...
    Samansa
    3 years ago
    Aw man, the chapter after that mentioned the arm which is nice but I do agreeabout that chapter directly after doesn't. Like you should have mentioned maybe her discomfort from it and the possible problems she may have had putting her hair intoa pony tail, getting dressed, and putting on her makeup. Other than thatrhough, very pleased :) not bad.
    Jayla Quaaid
    3 years ago
    Hi thank you for the comment:) im glad you enjoyed reading my story and yes, I have noticed the whole arm things which is why I changed it for the publishing but not on here, because with the little changes it encourages others to purchas the book online and when it is published in a month or two I sadly have to take down the story here.
  • Samansa
    3 years agoReply
    I love the idea that you have here but the writing could be alot better. It lacks detail and doesn't mention little details about the Cullens that really make Twilight such a hit. I think this could have potential if it was written with much more thought behind it.
    Renesmee Cullen's new world
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    When Renesmee finds out something life changing and begins to attend hogwarts she thought her life couldn't get anymore dramatic... how wrong she was!
    Samansa
    3 years ago
    They do not need to be exactly like the originals, obviously. But adding in the little details that create the character backgrounds and the storyline can really improve the quality of your story. For example, instead of quickly and impatiently writing about how they go and do something such as walking somewhere or simply something physical, like an action of some sort you can add some of their supernatural abilities. Like when you mention Renesmee walking around you could of said instead that she was flitting gracefully. Add in alot more specific details rather than generalized ones. Also when you mentioned the details you have in the beginning, they seem too rushed and summarized. Oh, and make sure you write in presenttime and not past (assuming that it is in present tense).
    Little Lotte
    3 years ago
    No no I completly understand and it didnt offend in the slightest! Thank you for the advice I will deffinatly try and use it to improve my writing :D
    Samansa
    3 years ago
    Awesome :D
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