Member since 3 Feb 12Last online 4 years ago

  • Rob Marvin
    4 years agoReply
    Haha, this is good. Will there be more?
    A Guide To Life (And All Its Difficulties)
    A Guide To Life...
    This is how to survive life without it strapping you to a pole naked and wipping you with a Justin Beiber fan scarf.
  • Rob Marvin
    4 years agoReply
    Hey, Dann. Good stuff, but a couple of errors:
    1) ''Don't mess with me Kara.' He said...' to '"Don't mess with me, Kara,' he said...'
    2) 'his eighteen year old life' to 'his eighteen-year-old life'
    3) ... I'll be back to correct more in a couple of hours cos I have to go.
    The Love of Ghosts
    The Love of Ghosts
    Set 19 years before the events in 'Requiem.' A young couple, Mika and Kara, currently living on Verigo as ghosts find out that Kara is pregnant. At first it all goes well, but they must keep it a secret...
    D.B. Fairless
    4 years ago
    Really no need to discuss every grammatical error, if you dont mind, I'll go through it :) thanks for reading it tho mate
    Rob Marvin
    4 years ago
    Sorry, I go over the top sometimes cos I'm probably the ultimate pedant :)
    D.B. Fairless
    4 years ago
    No it's fine honestly :P you should be an editor, you seem to be able to see even the smallest mistakes :)
  • Rob Marvin
    4 years agoReply
    Oh my God, it's a real-life, (self)published author. Oh God.
    Star Fish
    Star Fish
    Tired of looking for love Piscean Amy decides to date each sign of the zodiac
  • Rob Marvin
    4 years agoReply
    OK, I generally post long comments and do a lot of editing/correcting/opinions so I may come across as a bit harsh. This is chillingly macabre, slightly disturbing from (going by your profile) a twelve-year-old. You certainly have a scary imagination. Some points worth mentioning:
    1) 'dark highlights-blood' change to 'dark highlights of blood' or 'dark highlights -- blood'
    2) 'skies; however... story altogether' to 'skies, but... story.' This makes the sentence read better.
    3) 'like a panda' to 'like a panda's' because you're comparing the eyes to the panda's eyes and not the panda
    4) 'causing her to seem' to 'making her seem'
    5) 'crazy yoga exercise'. I don't think this a good comparison here; slightly strange given the circumstances, perhaps change.
    6) 'looking as if the thick crimson liquid will never stop flowing from it until she is eventually drained of blood.' to 'it seems as if the thick crimson liquid will not stop until she is drained.'
    7) 'clawed with cuts or bashed with bruises' -- like it!
    8) human being should not have a hyphen in it.
    9) 'would of' to 'would have' -- one of my pet hates.
    10) 'dark vermilion'. OK, no judgement, but this is what you get if you use a thesaurus and don't fully understand the words. Vermilion is actually a orange-red colour, and therefore a fairly light, yellowish red. There is no problem with using crimson again, scarlet or even just red.
    11) All of the places where you have used '-' where you want a dash; double them up to '--' so it is clear which is a hyphen and which isn't.
    12) Shame, I think, is not a feeling that would be at the forefront of his mind right then. Guilt, fear, panic, yes. Not shame.
    13) Angry, ashamed parents, ditto. I don't think the fact that he'll get a smack-bottom from his parents is gonna worry him right now. Police, yes.
    14) 'NO!' -- just 'No!' -- Capitalising whole words is a little amateurish.
    15) Last paragraph; less of the self-pity, more of the parents' emotions. Show more inner-debate about how far parental love extends.
    16) Why has he got so many supplies? Did he plan to kill her? It didn't seem like it before and I don't know how many people carry around a spare change of clothes and sleeping bag.

    Otherwise, chilling, disturbing. Which I am sure you were aiming for. Turn it into a story; I want to see how this all pans out.
    Unlike Me
    Unlike Me
    You can't reverse time...
    4ღℯℓ1ℯ ✰
    Have you tried the chocolate cake?:)
    4 years ago
    Of course! So creamy! The traffic is awful though....:-)
    4ღℯℓ1ℯ ✰
    That's why we have hovercrafts and teleporters!:P
  • Rob Marvin
    4 years agoReply
    That is really, really powerful. I am very sorry for your loss. Some of your grammar is incorrect, but I don't think it matters with such a powerful message. I think it would read easier if you combined the first few chapters, though, so we don't have to keep clicking. Otherwise, brilliant. And I've seen that you give feedback on lots of movellas, so I'd appreciate some on 'Death and Life', if you can. Thanks!
    07/07/05 My Song with Jenny
    07/07/05 My Song...
    7/7 doesn't mean much to most people, but on the 7th of July, 2005, four suicide bombers let off explosions in four different places in London, killing 52 innocent citizens. One of those killed was one...
    4 years ago
    I would love to read it! Could you help me with the grammar? I know some of my commas are a bit adrift, and I will go through and check them thoroughly, but was there anything else (me being a grammar freak myself, I would hate to be a hypocrite)? Thanks for the suggestions, greatly appreciated :)
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