FemaleUnited StatesMember since 24 Sep 16Age 13Last online 1 days ago

I'm shit at writing, but I do enjoy critiquing others on their work. :)
rip

  • frappuccino
    1 months agoReply
    1 Like
    You have very good writing skills! There is the occasional typo like when the girl called Andy a "montser" and some places where the punctuation is off, but overall, it's pretty well written. I don't know if this is a story I'll follow, but not because I dislike your story. Your storytelling skills are amazing and you've kept me sitting on the edge of my seat throughout the first three chapters. It's mostly because although I'm familiar with who Andy Biersack is, I can't say I'm a fan of him as I don't really like him, sorry... It's also because I don't usually have the stomach for stories with gore as I am fairly young, lol. However, your story really was really well-written and I'm shocked how much I enjoyed it considering how much I dislike things like gore. Keep writing and good luck! This is a keeper for sure!
    Mr. Insanity|Andy Biersack Fanfic
    Mr. Insanity|Andy...
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    *Also on Wattpad & Quotev* "I'll see you dead, Andrew." "I'm sure you will, Charlotte, my dear." He smirks, "Just not today." ~~~~~ Two serial killer psychos loose. A detective hellbent on revenge....
    Hayley Crimson
    1 months ago
    Omg tysm!!! I really appreciate your feedback. Thank you!! :)
  • frappuccino
    1 months agoReply
    Technically, you have decent writing. Your grammar is decent as well as your grasp on English. However, story-wise, I can't say that this is a movella that I'd favorite or follow. Your chapters are VERY short and I'm not sure if this is intentional or not, but I can't say that I'm exactly a fan of them. The plot is also moving along too quickly for me to like. It's extremely rushed. I can understand her collapsing and waking up in less than 24 hours; that's fine with me. However, it just seems to move along FAR too quickly and you don't spend enough time developing her inner thoughts and emotions. It just seems really awkward in my opinion. I can also see her becoming friends with Fred and George as they are both very likable. However, her saying that "I knew instantly that we would become friends" after them saying their names is just unrealistic. Did the way they said their names mean something special to her? Because if so, how?! At least have them say something that fit within their character like a relatable joke. Also, in your summary, you mentioned how this wasn't a typical "Harry Potter had a twin story".
    How so?
    In typical "Harry Potter had a twin" stories, they feature a Mary Sue type character who is very powerful and has literally nothing wrong with them. There are only a few chapters so far and this might be an unfair judgment, but your main character is exactly that- a Mary Sue. She has no flaws, isn't relatable, and her thoughts and actions are poorly developed. She also seems to be sorted into a different House from the rest, which is also a common plot point in stories like this. Despite your claim, I've seen zero ways how this is different from those stories. When comparing this to some "Harry Potter had a twin" stories, your story seems a bit lacking, too. You seem to be a creative individual, but try to come up with an idea that hasn't been thought of before or at least, take an old idea and make it new. All in all, it's not necessarily bad, but it's definitely not the best and needs work.
    I'm sorry if my critiques seem a bit harsh, but I'm not trying to bash you or hate on you. Good luck on the story!
    Another Potter
    Another Potter
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    The typical " Harry had a twin" stories are nothing like this. Let's say, Lilly and James had another child just before they were killed. Yes she got a scar too, but its on her jaw line
    Dumbledores Daughter🤗😜
    OMG!!! I am so sorry! I meant to say that I will try to do what you said! Not the other way around! Sorry again
    frappuccino
    1 months ago
    lol It's okay! I understood what you meant. :D
  • frappuccino
    1 months agoReply
    I usually dislike premises like this because authors often forget that love triangles in real life where one person loses (based on the summary, the person who loses is Charlotte) usually result in giving that person extremes amounts of pain and sadness. In a lot of stories I've read like this, authors just want to make the main couple happy and frolick around despite it basically being cheating and try to find some way to make the cheating seem justified, like having the person who loses in the end turn out to be abusive or a bitch or just extremely undeveloped, which is just poor writing IMO. So I'm not exactly sure on what to feel about this... Hopefully, it won't go this way as there's only one chapter so far haha
    So far, the actual writing is okay. It's has a LOT of grammar mistakes, however. I also dislike the way you wrote the dialogue and it would be a lot better if you used actual quotation marks, capitalized your sentences, and used better punctuation. You've also mixed up some words too, like then and than. Your use of language is pretty good, but the description of Ethan's heart breaking, although descriptive, was really cliche and far too dramatic. I realize that's probably the most commonly used description for heartbreak, but I've seen it far too often, sorry... Also, if the cracks in his heart were "irreparable", why did he get over it so quickly?
    The actual meeting is also a bit sudden and you could use a little more description besides just the part about Madelyn and Ethan's heart breaking. I would like seeing how Ethan and Madelyn met in the first place. Are they childhood friends? When did they meet?
    All in all, it just needs a bit more editing and it would be really good. Good luck on the competition and the story!
    My best friends fiancé
    My best friends...
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    2 girl best friends in university, Charlotte gets engaged to Madelyn's best guy friend, Ethan, that Madelyn has a secret crush on. What will happen when they find out they like each other.
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