United KingdomMember since 15 Mar 13Last online 5 months ago

  • Phosphoro
    3 years agoReply
    2 Likes
    This is really brilliant, to be able to tell an interesting story in very few words takes a great amount of skill and the idea the story is centred around is really interesting :)
    Bookworm Love
    Bookworm Love
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    *Editor's Choice of the FigmentInLove Contest. Cover by Writer* A fictional character gains a crush on a costumer in the bookstore but becomes jealous whenever the newcomer's attention is drawn to another...
    Artemis J. Potter
    Thank you! :)
    Phosphoro
    3 years ago
    Your welcome :)
  • Phosphoro
    3 years agoReply
    Requested CC
    Prologue: The prologue is a good; it sets the scene and raises some questions. The way it is written (the langue used) suggests that it may be an extract from an in-world text; perhaps something the government or ruling powers have distributed to explain their actions etc, if so you could credit this giving more weight to the ‘powers that be’. This can help the reader to form a more accurate sense of the world/time that the characters are living in.
    The last line of the paragraph beginning ‘From here on,’ is a little clumsy to read, changing it to ‘They will undergo a series of educational, physical and mental stages until they are deemed worthy of being called human.’ This change may help keep the flow of the story consistent.
    Chapter 1: The description and detail bring the events of the chapter to life very well. The first sentence is a little confusing though, it seems to imply that the character ‘talking’ had/has a choice of who they wake up as/in the body of if that makes sense. Other than this it makes a strong opening.
    Consilium – what is this? Is it a laboratory of the science experiment type or more of a hospital type room where medical advancements are achieved? While it seems a small thing, to have an uncommon word in a sentence, if it is left unexplained it can detract from the story.
    In the last sentence ‘...I will get out of here.’ The use of ‘I’ makes Poppy feel a little like an afterthought, if Kathy feels a sisterly bond with Poppy to such an extent wouldn’t she be thinking in the plural? E.g. ‘One day, we’ll be free from this place, I’ll make sure of it.’
    Final note: The themes involved suggest this is for the more grown-up reader; perhaps a yellow rating may be more appropriate or you could include a warning about the violence in the blurb?

    Hope you find this useful, it was an interesting read and a refreshing change from the norm. (Sorry for the really long comment.)
    Safe Haven
    Safe Haven
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    In pursuit of creating the perfect human, the government has set up special schools. Each student is fallen. They are the trash of society, the whores, the beggars, the murderers, the scum. Brought up...
    Phosphoro
    3 years ago
    Your welcome. The style is interesting, you get a sense of who Kathy is through it and its easy to tell she doesn't like the way her life is heading.
  • Phosphoro
    3 years agoReply
    4 Likes
    The idea in itself seems a good one, One Direction have a large fan base and their appearance on Movellas would help to increase awareness of the site and what it offers. However, the problem is that this may alienate some of the writers who fear fan-fiction is going to overrun Movellas.
    Maybe after this campaign to get the band onto the site a similar thing could be done to help promote original fiction. Perhaps a Movella could be set up in which the published authors can write a chapter each, maybe something with tips on improving writing or even just what they do for fun.
    It just seems apparent that something needs to be done to find the balance between fan-fiction and original fiction on the site.
  • Phosphoro
    4 years agoReply
    It’s great that you’ve taken a step back and applied a balanced view on this issue; it allows the reader to make their own mind up but also asks them enough questions.
    There is also a website that has more information about Emily Davison if you’d like to learn more about her, (link) emilyinspires.net/
    Good luck in the competition :)
    Feminism; does it have a place in 21st Century Britain?
    Feminism; does it...
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    A different take on the popular topic of gender inequality and feminism, focusing on todays popular culture. The youtube video gives some greater historical background of the cause if anyone is interested....
    Aliceee
    4 years ago
    thanks! its just a different view than most would consider
  • Phosphoro
    4 years agoReply
    1 Like
    This is the first fruitsbasket fanfic I've seen...not read all of the manga yet though.
    Anyway, your story makes an interesting read and I like how you've wrote Yuki; it sounds 'true' to his character too
    His Aggressive Love
    His Aggressive Lov...
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    Yuki and Hatsuharu are left alone in the house and things become quite different. Yuki has always hated Haru, but deep inside they love each other. They express their love differently. Although Yuki makes...
    SenseiSweet
    4 years ago
    I'm glad you've enjoyed it so far!(:
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