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  • Good Girls Don't
    Good Girls Don't
    by MuseOD
  • MuseOD
    4 years agoReply
    1 Like
    Well hello again, LK. You know the rules, now. Let's tango.

    I like your opening line. It made me chuckle. I don't think "hugging" is a suitable word for a cup of coffee. Clutching, perhaps? Instead of reiterating that she's eighteen, try something like, "I'm so young..." It's a pretty good first scene. Remember to capitalise. What are the storms like? Perhaps you could open with her reaction to them. The word is "servANT girl", not "serving girl."

    Summer seems like a hothouse-plant sort of character, who reacts in the extreme to everything. Ie, a poor attempt to make a character bitchy and jealous. Think about the jealous bitches that you have the pleasure to live near, and attempt to emulate them. Having a JB as a character is boring. Give her a bit more meat. Perhaps make her more cunning. Also, why would a fiancé be jealous in the nights running up to the marriage?
    That first sentence is awkward as hell. Just move the it wasn't a home part down into the next sentence. What's kiss chase?

    Well done. You've now made this story actually readable without the reader in question growing tumours in his or her eyes.

    I kid. But this is a lot better than last time. Keep it up, hot shot!
    Fang Ripped Wedding Dresses
    Fang Ripped Weddin...
    After a new king comes to power in the vampire community new rules are given. Some rules are worse than others and four teenage vampires are about to see how worse things really can get. Razor - A wonderful...
    Lucifer's Kiss
    4 years ago
    So, taking more of your awesome advise. I have now added more description to the storm.
    Mind looking at some of my other Movellas, like In Search of the Queen for example.
  • MuseOD
    5 years agoReply
    Unpack and describe each event more. Unpack the assassination of the mother (assassinations are paid hits. Was the mother a political/social target, or was she just killed?) Unpack the father's leaving scene. If it helps, go into first person. Unpack the orphanage. Describe Faith eating. How does she feel that she's being bullied? I don't know. She could be masochistically loving it.

    The car crash is the centrepiece of your story. Put some love, some shine, some energy and effort into it. Look, if you want, at people who have been hit by a car. Describe in precise detail each wound, bruise and cut she has on her corpse.

    Continue talking about her near-fetishistic treatment of food. To add some fun irony, make the opening scene the mother forcing a doughnut down her mouth, the father coming in, and dragging Mum away. Unpack the driver more. What's he doing, thinking,?

    This is a skeletal sketch of a story. It could be great. Unpack.
    Eating with Courtney
    Eating with Courtn...
    No description. Just a collection of twisted poetry and literature guaranteed to make you vomiting with fear.
    5 years ago
    I really like the death scene, but the story needs a bit more work. Set a goal for yourself, say, 2500 words. Take this story and expand it to that. The pacing here is still a little unsmooth. Describe everything. The sensation of the doughnut being forced into her mouth, the murder of the mother, the anger of the father, the rage, sadness and lonliness felt by Faith as she's trundled from home to home. Her suicidal thoughts. The bullying. Pull each asset under an electron microscope and write.
  • MuseOD
    5 years agoReply
    Disclaimer about how I review brutally and horribly, and that I'll very much likely hurt your feelings with my criticism. I'm sorry. It has to be done.

    A steady, intriguing first sentence. Good. I understand that you're going for "clever" style. However, your (possibly) kleptomaniac character is probably going to rub shoulders with less savory characters, so I'm going to expect a change in lexicon. "Nag at" doesn't really fit, I think. "Gnaw at" would be better. Your call. I'd like to see how MC escapes the house. Explain more about SIN. I'd like to know how MC feels about an ELF-like religious terror group.

    There are WW2 forts? I was unaware of this. For naming castles and other such buildings, quote marks are not necessary. "from the beginning of time"... what? I'm a little confuse by that. The comma after "beginning of time" isn't necessary. I'd like to see the panic, please. Please evoke what it's like to be in an army fort during a terror scare. "Steals"? Do you mean "thefts"? Oh, this is the change in lexicon. Ah. Quite "victorious" in finding me? I get the odd sensation that you're bilingual, that English isn't your first language, and thusly your word choice is bizarre. Or you're just pretending to to have a clever character. Right. You ARE trying to write intellectually. Please stop. Or use a thesaurus. It's coming of oddly. Ie. "my father's desire" Ambition would be better.

    "Beneath the ground COMMA dead" I was unaware that people apart from Americans used the word "backchat"
    Show me her talking back. "Surprized" spelling. "That clung to my him" What?
    "So this is it then, Tori?...You know that I loved you?" You're damn good at prose, but your dialogue is awful. It's wooden. It got a little better, but UGH, that first line of dialgue was just bad.
    "Cant"=Speak. As in "recant" or "Don't you cant, Nelly!"

    I got a good picture of their current relationship, but I'd like to see a bit more history.

    Speaking of history, you're awfully vague about the world changing. You say it with a lot of confidence, but I don't really see any change happening, except for eco-terrorists. In other words, SHOW ME.

    You're showing life-in-the-fort pretty well. "at the hour of six" No one says that. Not even the upper class. I see you've seen Fight Club. However, don't reveal that to the reader. Paraphrase it. Also, Brits. With AKs. What is wrong with you? I know, it's your world and your alternate future, but Christ. Hair isn't "concise". Use a thesaurus.
    "Requests that you join him in the conference room. It's a matter of extreme urgency." Again, dialogue. It's wooden. Not real. Doesn't sound like the sort of thing a soldier would say. "Cheer up, misery guts." That's a bit better, but again, rather unsoldierly. Swap out the first sexist for "rude".
    "Surprized." If you MUST spell it that way, you can, but it's wrong. "He began to laugh but its bubbling tones." He/its. I'm confused. "But with seemingly instant decision." Clarity. What do the gashes look like? "Pain killer" is one word. "Cussing." Aha! So that's why I'm feeling some dissonance. You're American. Or pandering to an American audience. If the novel is set in Britain, use a British lexis. Instead of "cussing"; swearing. "Affixed." Attached would be better.

    So the Nivarians aren't eco-terrorists, they're not-vampire-not-zombies. "No longer inviting...deadly and eerie". People can extrapolate. Cut the last part. Nivarians are animals? Well, from the perspective of the soldiers, I guess so... "Died birthing." Again, dissonance. "Giving birth"? Also, Brits thinking of porrige as "lumpy slime"?

    Conclusion: As your novel is set in the UK, use UK idioms, jargon, lexis, whatever. Your main goals are making this story more British, telling us what/why/where/how these mosters are, and most importantly, CLARITY.

    Good luck and godspeed.
    A Beast's Battle
    A Beast's Battle
    Britain is in a crisis. Thousands are dead - left slaughtered on the streets. The Nivarian's have built themselves a barbaric and savage reputation, turning towns into ghost towns. Many have fled to the...
    Olivia Cal
    5 years ago
    Thank you, MuseOD, this was extremely helpful. You're very thorough!
    I'm British. The mix up with American/British idioms is probably due to being swamped in American media. xD
    With the porridge, I meant to explain how it had been cooked too long, and this is why it is 'lumpy slime'.
    And could you clarify any other places where my dialogue seems 'wooden' so I can improve? :)
    5 years ago
    All conversations with Cam, and the first line of the chat with Finn. Ask yourself, "What is the likelihood of someone saying that in real life?" Good dialogue has cadence and speech tags. Litreactor has some free essays on how to dialogue. If you're willing to pay $40/year, it's an awesome website, with CC on the level at which I do omnipresent.
    5 years ago
    1 Like
    Wow! This is some good feedback! I've heard a lot of (British) people use the word 'backchat' in everyday life though. Perhaps it's just the area people are from?
  • MuseOD
    5 years agoReply
    First off, disclaimer, I review horribly, I'm an awful person, a jerk, brutal and disheveled, and yet a
    brutal, disheveled jerk who can write vaguely well. So I'm going to help you.

    I like your first sentence. It has balance, sets the scene and has no problems in it whatsoever. However, "like" is a weak word. Why not "drink", "live for" "chase after like an addict"? I'd like to see that fed-upness. How does Katie do angry? Does she throw crockery? Does she punch things? Does she scream? Only give us a line or two of dialogue, an action, and a speech tag. That will suffice. "I refuse to" Tense. "week" Spelling. I'd like to see all this stuff happening to MC. I'd like to see Phoenix worried. I'd like to see MC being unable to leave her(?) bed. "Young and newly born" redundant and tautologous SEE WHAT I DID THERE? You don't go "on a hunt". You go "to hunt". I personally would like to see the kill. "Many lovers COMMA" "entangled in a web of sin and deceit"- on the first read, that paragraph seemed out of place. Please rewrite, give reasons, clarify. Just say "Jimmy Choos" Adding that they are shoes shows first the distrust of the author that the reader knows what Jimmy Choos are, and second shows that the character has to explain what they are, ie, the character is unfashionable. If that is your intent, go ahead. "i tried to simulate concern" Capital I. Also, show me. Only a line of seeing her mental mechanics at work. "aubergine lipstick coloured lip" Ew. Just "aubergine lipsticked lip" please. A LOT less clunky. Again, what is with you and not capitalising the I?

    Why is it all italicised? Victorian has a capital V. "different things" how dull. Tell me two of them.
    It seems as though you've just listened to Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge and/or played Vampire: The Masquarade and have decided to write a fanfic: sexually ambiguous MC. "Unwillingness" to bite people. This whole charade about stalking someone to eat them.

    Stop name-dropping characters we haven't met yet. "Phoenix...Taurin." What I mean by "met" is that they and MC have had a conversation in the presence of the reader. "Tinniest"=the most tinny=the highest content of tin. Is the dress made of tinfoil? How do the kisses feel like? Have a really good kiss, and then sit down and write about how it feels. "Peppering". I like that, too. My, you're full of surprises: a problem with capitals, talking about characters we haven't met yet, and such an interesting, but also mundane use of vocabulary.
    "Oh Phoenix COMMA that was so lovely FULL STOP" His dialogue is awful. I'm not even going to try to doctor it. Try again. Christ. So suddenly there's a 3-year-jump. No explanation of what happened, no nothing. Just a three years later. So early on in your novel, that's not a really good idea at all.
    "Speed machines" Your character has appeared to have gotton lost in the mid-eighties.
    Why is "Historic University" capitalised? The reader is probably going to know what Oxford is.

    "he prided himself...achievements" again, I can't help you here. Rewrite entirely.
    "short and closely cropped" More redundant tautologies! "flashing multi-coloured...colour" Too much colouring here. Cut one. "I drank just a little to giv the impression I was" I had to read that twice to understand it. Rewrite. "I kissed him...bruises." Again, your ideas are all here, just a little jumbled. Rewrite. "No COMMA not a man another immortal! His eyes shone too much for a man." So shininess of eyes is a signal of immortality? That's a little farfetched. "Discusted" Spelling. "peutrid" Spelling. "gareish" is an adjective. Things cannot be "a gareish". Would a character really notice the colour of her eyes? "an animated dead woman" Describe. More.

    Conclusion: More description, keep an eye on SPG and stop tautologising, but most importantly, MORE DESCRIPTION. If you think an experience will be alien, or VERY VERY FUN to/for the reader, describe it.

    Good luck and godspeed.
    Unfinished Beginnings
    Unfinished Beginni...
    A tale of Sasha The price for offending an older vampire is high-- Blood is paid for by blood. Being newly made destines Sasha for chaos when her ignorance offends an older vampire and provokes...
    5 years ago
    Thank you I shall keep that in mind and try to change/add to my story.
    5 years ago
    Wow. Can you look at my stories and review them? :)
  • MuseOD
    5 years agoReply
    General disclaimer about how I'm an asshole and review work accordingly, don't take it personally, it happens to everyone.

    First off, unless you're a master of voice, don't attempt a mulitple-perspective story. Are you a master of voice? Let's see.
    "We are the only offer on this house." That isn't english. Unless the people telling Olivia that it's because of the house next door are actually at that very moment doing so, then you've got the wrong tense. "Nuthouse...insane asylum." Describe what your character thinks of as an insane asylum. I think of a Victorian-period building with white-tile walls and padded rooms. If that isn't what you wanted me to think, you've messed up. "Coming in the direction of...." this means that he's passing from the non-creepy house to the creepy house. Do you mean this? "You must be the new neighbours" is a statement, not a question. "On the other side from the crazy house" You're misusing "from". I really don't think anyone would describe their own speech as "smarting off". Just as you wouldn't describe yourself publicly as conceited. What does the room look like? Where is the girl? Presumably she's outside, but she could be hanging from a tree by her neck, she could be peeking out from a window, she could be on the roof. "Two of which that were just staying the night." The "that" isn't needed. I'm a little weirded out that Justin can just rattle off the full names and ages of the victims, and MC isn't bothered by it at all. You can stop telling is that Olivia is narrating. Only when the narrator changes should you indicate the narrator. You haven't indicated that Liss teaches creative writing. "I am sorry COMMA class; I forgot we have a new student joining us today." A little hackneyed, but that's unavoidable with the new-student-in-school arc. Is MC really going to admit that her brother is her best friend? "Lac" Pronounced "Lace" or "Lack"? "I still can't believe NO COMMA HERE WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? Justin here NOR ONE HERE EITHER ARE YOU TRYING TO SET A WORLD RECORD FOR MISPLACING COMMAS? lives a house away from that thing." I personally don't like the "Da da da da da da". Give her creepy lyrics or something. Your call. "a long bloody scar" describe it more. What? We don't see the TOUR? They could have sexual tension along the way! "Vintage trunk" is it a steamer chest, one of an actual elephant, or covered in eighties band stickers? Describe more. What is it like to play basketball with your little brother?

    "Was nothing" describe this nothing. Why don't your characters use contractions?

    The scariest thing about this story is the MC. She doesn't react to being told the next-door house had a mass murder. She doesn't describe anything, thus making the reader feel detatched from the world she's in. Justin clearly has a hand in the murders, or at least a vested interest. He's incredibly creepy as well, as he calls the victims by their full names.

    If you're writing a weird new flavour of horror where the MCs are scarier than the monsters themselves, well done. Get back to work. If that's unintentional, then again, get back go work.

    Not bad.
    The house next door
    The house next doo...
    Have you heard of that house? I guess a lot of people have, because my family is the only one stupid enough to buy the one right next door. I don't know if the stories are true, but it still freaks me...
    5 years ago
    <3 I love Stephan King!!! He is so awesome. He is my insperationg for a lot of things that I right at home. He was always my favorite. Along with Michael Myers of course. :)
    5 years ago
    However, the direction in which you're going, I'd advise you to focus on Ketchum. Go get The Girl Next Door, which is a symphony-come-seminar on how to write good horror. Don't read too much King, and if you do, read "The Shining" or "Gerald's Game". Also read "A Feast of Snakes" for how to suspense. If you want a challenge, read "As I Lay Dying" and Toni Morrison's "Beloved".

    Then, write.
    5 years ago
    Thanks for the advise, I will use it to my best ability. I am really excited for this story. :)
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