MaleUnited KingdomMember since 2 May 13Last online 3 years ago

  • mashewbarker
    This is very good! Thanks for writing this for me, my own article really doesn't deserve this.
    The Government
    The Government
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    The Government. Are they trustworthy? Are they liars? Spin doctors? Can the Government and Parliament really be trusted?
  • mashewbarker
    What on earth do you think about!! This is good though, and an interesting take on the subject. With the short lines you often employ in you poetry it makes a lilting sound, almost like a limerick at times. One spelling mistake I think with breading when I think you mean breeding. Once again very good
    Dragons: Good or Bad?
    Dragons: Good or...
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    When I first set myself the challenge to write a poem based on Dragons, the first thing that came to my mind, was this stereotypical idea of the fire breathing, flying, type that eats everything. So I...
    mashewbarker
    5 years ago
    1 Like
    Haha! So imaginative.
    angel715
    5 years ago
    I love this.
    WriterMan
    5 years ago
    Haha thanks.
  • mashewbarker
    It sounds like the beginning of a great story! A couple of things I picked up. The transition from third person narrative in the prologue to the first person narrative in the other chapters is quite stark, I'd recommend changing the first person chapters to third first person (so instead of saying 'I lay there for a few minutes expecting a sword in my back...' you have 'Joe Blogs lay for a few moments, fearing a sword driving through his back any moment.' Also, the language you use, especially in the first chapter, seems not to fit the time period. So when you imagine ancient Egypt, or even just someone talking about ancient Egypt, you would expect a more grand use of words.

    There is nothing wrong whatsoever with the story, so I wouldn't change that, and to have the prologue at the beginning is a really nice touch. For a first effort this is really good.
    The Red Lands
    The Red Lands
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    A story set in Egypt about a man, separated from his team, out in search of a long lost fortune. I draw inspiration from all kinds of books, so you may come across themes and ideas from other stories....
    WriterMan
    5 years ago
    okay. COuld you give me an example of some 'Grand' words?
    mashewbarker
    5 years ago
    'His dominance became so all encompassing that he became consumed by his power, maddening in his lust for it. Soon rebellion rose up against the mad warrior king. Despite his prowess on the battlefield, Fadil could not stop the blade from piercing his back, the blade in the hands of his once trusted bodyguard and Lieutenant Asim.' etc
    WriterMan
    5 years ago
    very nice! I shall see what I can do!
  • mashewbarker
    Amazing descriptive text, beautifully described as usual. Is it possible to have a little story arc within it. You finish with the walk ending, so it might make sense to have a beginning and middle at least pointed out in the poem. Don't let this detract from what is a lovely piece, with outstanding rhythm and poise, the tempo is really fitting I thought too. Well done, I wish I could write as well as you do
    Winding Walk
    Winding Walk
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    Inspiration drawn from a lovely walk through the fields of East Sussex
    WriterMan
    5 years ago
    haha thank you Matt. I will certainly look into it when I have the time!
    mashewbarker
    5 years ago
    Revision!
    WriterMan
    5 years ago
    1 Like
    Haha yes indeed
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