United StatesMember since 10 Jul 15Last online 1 months ago

  • Book_Mark
    2 years agoReply
    This is amazing! This is a very mature writing style that one could expect to see in a published novel. I have actually read novels by adults published on a professional level that were far beneath this. When I was 13 my writing was hideous by comparison! If you keep at writing over the years and continue to develop your skills, you definitely have a future as a published author. As I've said, I have read far worse in published books. One thing though: when you used the phrase "so I could play my ace"... That is kind of anachronistic. Perhaps another analogy could be made. However, that is a very minor point.
    Narcissist
    Narcissist
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    Her heart lies elsewhere, but she is still his Queen. --For the Historical Fiction competition.
    Gabriel
    2 years ago
    Yes, I think you're right about the Ace thing - I'll change that :)

    Wow! Thank you very much! <3 It means a lot when someone takes the time to give such good feedback.
  • Book_Mark
    2 years agoReply
    Thanks very much for your compliments about my story! I haven't gotten that many yet and it is very nice to hear from someone who likes my work. I don't know if my stories are a really good fit for Movellas. I did not know when I joined that it is mainly a site for young people in their teens. Someone online just recommended it to me and I joined without doing any research. I found out recently am old enough to be most everyone's dad and I think my style is a lot different from what most Movella people like. Some of my stories also have things that are definitely not for kids. I have marked them adult and I think I will remove those.

    I agree that I should change "mythic lay" to something else. I used the word in this sense:

    Definition of LAY
    1
    : a simple narrative poem : ballad
    2
    : melody, song

    But I realize from your comment that it does have other connotations today. I will also split it up into smaller parts. Although this is a complete story in itself, it might me more accessible if it is in shorter parts.

    Thanks again, very much!
    The Bones of the Matter
    The Bones of the...
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    A world-weary adventurer enters a cursed city in hopes of gaining a treasure beyond imaginings. What he finds, is something altogether different.
  • Book_Mark
    2 years agoReply
    Thanks very much, Molly! This is the very first comment I have received. I'm glad you liked this story. I went ahead and changed the "30" bit. I admit this is a bit more of a "telling" story, but I thought that would best suit the mood for this one. The next story, "Donna of the Dead" has a bit more "onscreen" action. Thanks again! Mark
    Zombie Night in Canada and other stories
    Zombie Night in...
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    An anthology of short zombie tales written some time ago.
  • Book_Mark
    2 years agoReply
    You have some god ideas and a pretty nice way of setting an oppressive, scary mood, but you really, really need to consider formatting this story with paragraphs. Also, the transition between the scene with the girl and the three men and the scene in Phoenix is very abrupt. Of course, this would not seem so bad with proper paragraph formatting. Also, I didn't really see a strong connection between the elements of your story. Is the 23 year old girl mentioned in the end the girl from the beginning? Is she the same person as the beautiful girl Scott sees in the hospital? It's not quite clear. Again, I really think re-formatting this with paragraphs would go a long way toward making this more readable.
    Psycho?
    Psycho?
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    When the voices in your head start taking over and isolating you form all other contact, that´s when you snap. It can be subtle. A small violent gesture, a punch here or there or a devious prank gone wrong...
    Book_Mark
    2 years ago
    In the first line, I of course, meant to write "good" ideas, not "god" ideas.
    CharlieA
    2 years ago
    Thanks a bunch for the input :) I'm definitely going to try to fix these things :3
  • Book_Mark
    2 years agoReply
    This is a very intriguing beginning. I like stories about kids facing supernatural evil. Reminds me of Steven King's "It" and Ray Bradbury stories. One thing I noticed is that you are shifting tenses after the 4th paragraph. Not sure if this is a stylistic choice or an oversight, but it was a little jarring. Can't wait to read more!
    Monster
    Monster
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    "He's a monster, a monster that stepped into the light."
    Find_your_happy_place
    Ah, I've been trying to not do that, must go edit. Thanks!
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