FemaleChinaMember since 9 Oct 12Age 25Last online 4 years ago

I live in Shanghai.

I read comic books.

I dream of a career in children's literature.

I used to work at the Smithsonian.

There's a zebra butt in my profile picture.

My official blog: www.muariel.wordpress.com

  • Ma Yichen
    4 years agoReply
    I thought I would read this because you like Batman. I'm more of a Batgirl/Birds of Prey fan when I "live" in Gotham.

    Killing bears. An interesting start. I'm wondering where this is all going because of the first two paragraphs. Although warning, I might not be able to finish this tonight. It's almost 10:00 and I still have a lot of work to do.

    What does the narrator look like? I'm curious because of the pedophile comment. How old is the narrator?

    "A hybrid" That sounds awesome and interesting. Almost reminds me of Underworld, but only because I think they used the same term. Anyhow, as a reader, you've captured my interest with the entrance of Victor.

    Pay attention to your use of "I" because you don't frequently have it in lower case.

    Build more of a scene. You introduce a lot of world building in the dialogue between the narrator and Victor. But what else is going on? How is this boy reacting to them? Don't use your narrative to state your opinions on some subjects like going into detail about Batman. If it's important than build that into the way the characters life. But if it's just because you like it then try to avoid name dropping (which is easier said than done).

    That's all I have for now. I hope I can return soon. It's too late. Sorry. I tried to start earlier but some friends stopped by.

    Good luck with writing,
    Ma Yichen
    Troubling pasts
    Troubling pasts
    2
    1050
    5
    "My name is Sophia Jade. I am a hybrid; Vampire/werewolve to be exact. My life used to be normal or human you could say but that was a long time ago. The day I became who I am today happened almost a century...
    Buzzlightyear
    4 years ago
    mentally noted :)
  • Ma Yichen
    4 years agoReply
    To be honest, I started to read this because I love the name "Cassie". I don't know what that says about me. One of my favorite characters is named Cass in comics. Cass Cain is a great Batgirl.

    "warbled" Great word choice.

    "pouting annoyingly" The word "annoyingly" doesn't quite flow here and by the way you depict the brother's dialogue, it's obvious he is annoying. Therefore, "pouting" would be just fine. You've already showed us how annoying Ben is, which is great.

    "Papi would have played with me." Damn. Talk about a guilt trip. You haven't revealed their situation yet but this did a good job at building emotions for the characters.

    "But he had already gone." Great line to end the chapter but be weary of the word "had" it takes away a lot of power you have to offer. Why use 'had' when 'was' still works. "But he was already gone."

    Good luck with writing,
    Ma Yichen
    The Risk
    The Risk
    3
    5722
    3
    15 year old Cassie Acquah doesn't realize what "risk" is until she gets herself stuck... The thing is, a board game isn't really the same as real life, so how will she survive when she gets thrown head-first...
  • Ma Yichen
    4 years agoReply
    For the first line. While I do love the fact that you connect the first and final line of this chapter, I believe that your first line needs more work. The last line is a lot stronger. Meanwhile, it's an easy fix. Try not to push so many descriptions into the piece such as "navy night sky." We all know what the sky looks like so unless it's green, purple or orange, don't describe it. This will help craft a better flow prose wise. But! "nimble girl" is a great description. Is "January" important to the story? If not then don't use it. If so, I would suggest moving this reference to a later part in the first chapter.

    Lovely description of the wind. It's great scene building. A good start. As a reader, I'm interested in where this is going mainly because of the title that you picked. Also because of the title, I'm a little worried for the "nimble girl" you introduced. I'm thinking to myself: Oh no! What's going to happen?!

    Watch out for pronouns. You should always reintroduce a character in a new paragraph otherwise your prose can become confusing. Since you're avoiding the girl's name, you can repeat "nimble girl" or later you use "the child." Both descriptions are great and so is just "the girl." Just do your best not to abuse the word "she" at the start.

    "A sudden movement. . ." I have faith in you as a writer. I believe that you can construct more action into this part. This is where it gets interesting. This is your hook. Use it all to your advantage. Use stronger word choices to build the action to bring us into the moment, but also use specific words to create a tone. Is this eerie? Scary? What overall emotion would you like to convey to the reader?

    "Katherine said nothing." This was my favorite line, which may seem a little odd. The way you formatted the paragraphs at the end, it really brought out this sentence. There's this heart sinking moment in all the events because of Katherine. I love it.

    The part where she started to sing "twinkle, twinkle" it was sweet and eerie at the same time. A great way of building tone into your piece. Sometimes I believe mood/tone are more important than the exact background of the scene. Nice job.

    Good luck with writing,
    Ma Yichen
    The Catchers
    The Catchers
    2
    1915
    3
    Eliza Heed is seventeen year old girl with an ever expanding chip on her shoulder and an increasing impatience for the grim town of Turnley. Ten years after the night that changed her forever and life...
    AthyC
    4 years ago
    This is great feedback. I've got some to add too, but in the meantime, could you look at and offer feedback on The Fragile Tower (which I write as Athy Cameron)?
    The Fragile TowerThe Fragile Tower is book one of the Cold Lands series. Grace Lane is fourteen and an outsider who has been looking for something to make her significan...

    xx
  • Ma Yichen
    4 years agoReply
    "A man who she had felt seen before." First, watch out for the word "had" because it ruins sentences everywhere. It's a challenge to work your way around it, but when you do, it improves your writing a whole lot. Think more third or fourth draft for that. Second, "felt seen"? Do you mean both or one or the other? I was just curious because this struck me as important. You're dangling interesting information for the reader.

    (I feel like this is going to make me happy that I didn't go bar hopping or clubbing for the night.)

    "her innards curdle" Interesting word choice. I like it.

    Seven feet? That'd scare me so much.

    I love it when people say "young miss" for some odd reason. I enjoyed that little tidbit in the dialogue.

    Remember that sentence variation word wise is important especially at the start of your sentences. I noticed you used "As" twice in the first paragraph then "His" a few times in the second paragraph. Just a little detail to keep in mind when editing.

    Such an awkward ending. I mean that in possibly a good way. I'm curious to why she would let a stranger start kissing her under such circumstances. That was what really grabbed my attention whether you wanted that to happen or not. I wish I could provide more information for you but it's about 3 in the morning here for me so I'll leave you with this.

    Good luck with writing,
    Ma Yichen

    P.S. I liked the title so that's why I decided to read your piece.
    Shadow
    Shadow
    8
    3185
    16
    As the girl looked around in her bag, she heard heavy footstep on the tarmac behind her. As she searched, she grabbed her pepper spray and laid her nervous and impatient fingers around the cap. The footsteps...
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