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  • Lyralyra20
    5 months agoReply
    Hi, Some comments about rhythm and structure: text 7
    Is the longer length of line 4 deliberate?
    Line 12 doesn't work for me. It rhymes but the mood feels too light partly because of the rhythm - The rhythm on either side of the caesura is the same. That with the ! makes the line feel like a children's poem.
    The last line doesn't scan. Is that deliberate? The last two lines mainly use dactylic metre, - but this breaks on the last 2 syllables of the last line. The last line be also has fewer metric feet: these makes feel it feel unbalanced.
    I'm liking the poems though- interesting departure!
    Death and all his Friends
    Death and all his...
    4
    1198
    13
    Complex and varied are the myriad tales of the creature we call Death. Discover forthwith a collection of such tales - short stories and poems concerning both death and Death.
  • Lyralyra20
    3 years agoReply
    Hi Nick, nice idea, needs editing though. Should you be doing this right now? :o
    Repetition: 'travelling fast/approaching fast'
    'The truck was here.' Rewrite? Feels clumsy
    'And smashed .?. against' word missing?
    Near the end 'Ricki spat... David found...' Vary the structure
    Guten nacht!
    Untouchable
    Untouchable
    5
    431
    8
    Untouchables. Beings of immense power, they act as mercenaries and crimelords in the apocalyptic wasteland that we call America. Held at bay by the Lionhearts, they threaten the existence of humanity and...
    nickandallhisthings
    Good points, thanks Lyra.
  • Lyralyra20
    4 years agoReply
    Mmm description works for me though I think the final paragraph of ch 1 and the last 7lines in chapter 2 are a bit sudden. You might want to look at how you pace the reveal in each?
    Insurgent
    Insurgent
    5
    578
    12
    The year is 2096. The deadly Virus has crippled North America, and in the ashes the ruthless Insurgents cut a swathe of destruction into the heart of America. Thousands die, it is only a matter of time...
    nickandallhisthings
    Ok, I'll check those out in a couple days.
  • Lyralyra20
    4 years agoReply
    I loved the voices Nick - they were very compelling and had just the right hint of menace.
    Hands to kill
    Hands to kill
    3
    306
    2
    Set in the dystopian future, where a nuclear war has created ruthless, souless mutants and small groups of scavengers fight for survival. This was written for a story comp outside of movellas on the...
  • Lyralyra20
    4 years agoReply
    1 Like
    Love this Nick; I like how you control pace in this one. Just check apostrophes in the last paragraph.
    The Headsmans Block
    The Headsmans Bloc...
    6
    1035
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    *Done for the backstage writing contest. I know it isn't the typical entry but whatever. It seemed a good idea at the time. * Charles the first. Born 19th November, 1600. The man who was responsible...
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