Member since 3 Feb 12Last online 1 years ago

Writing is my passion. It always has been. Since elementary I knew my calling was words and fitting them together to make something beautiful. I will be an author and I really hope you guys like my work :)

  • My Revolutionary Secret
    My Revolutionary...
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    by Livvy
  • Lillian Gray
    Lillian Gray
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    by Livvy
  • Eaten
    Eaten
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    by Livvy
  • Livvy
    2 years agoReply
    "My broken voice," what a line. Awesome description, very captivating. Just i know that "..." adds some supsense and intesnity to the writing, but in the second to last paragraph I don't feel it is necessary in the last line becasue your writing all ready emitts those characterisitics. Loved the last line of the piece, honestly couldn't find much constructive criticism. This piece is pretty amazing and definitely hoping to see the outcome of this competition because so many talented writers have entered!! Good luck and i wish you the best :)
    Screaming will not save you.
    Screaming will not...
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    I am but a helpless human, lying captured in the prison of ghosts...
    DragonSoulJess
    2 years ago
    Okay Thank u! =D
  • Livvy
    2 years agoReply
    Rather liked reading this! Good job :)

    Some comments:
    1. "Watching, waiting, and sniggering." Good use of phrasing and capturing word choices. The introduction produced questions for the reader and made me question what was going to happen next.

    2. Maybe you could legnthen some of the chapters to make it flow a little better. Like "Growing Up"

    Otherwise, enjoyed this!! Keep writing, check out some of my work, please?
    The Shades
    The Shades
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    This is a tragic tale of one very important girl's life. She has been watched and hunted by 'him', a power hungry demon who you know as the Devil. He wants her power, but if he gets it the world will be...
    Beth96
    2 years ago
    Thank you for the comments! I will try and improve my work, and I will have a look :)
    Livvy
    2 years ago
    thank you!
  • Livvy
    2 years agoReply
    Your resume captured the piece entirely, well done. It drew me in wanting to know more and your interpetation of the picture was unique.

    Some comments:
    1. "Fianlly heaven enticed him in a soothing whisper with promises of paradise. But admission to haven was not like that of rebirth or phantasm, it was conditional. Souls had to earn inhabitance and paradise came at a price - purgatory." This paragraph was enchanting and made me really think about the twist you took on the afterlife. Amazing. Capturing. Captivating. I am momentarily stunned, it is beautifully written.

    2. This is just me being nit-picky, but in the following sentence in the second chapter I feel like it is a little redundant. "Ghosts are dull apparations, these beings had energy within them, a cosmic force which enveloped their exterior with an eerie glow. I think you can remove the words "apparition" and "them." This is so you can shorten the sentnece without losing any meaning and it makes it seem less long even though it still inhibits the same ideas.

    3. I like the use of repetition in the chapter, "Action". It really helps to connect the concepts.

    in whole, i thought this was a stunning piece and definitely has a good chance of winning. i really can't wait to see the results!!! well done!
    if you get the oppurtunity, would you mind checking out some of my work? ("My Revolutionary Secret", maybe), you have a lot of talent and i would like to hear your opinion.
    The unseen
    The unseen
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    Death is inevitable. Expected. Concrete. The afterlife however is entirely unknown; A culturally bound, socially constructed proposal of what may be, relative to the individual it is impossible to define...
    Amy-Jay
    2 years ago
    Thankyou for your comments, and glad you enjoyed it!
    Thought I'd try a bit of a different angle on the picture and I think it worked out alright :)
    in regard to comment 2, personally I believe that apparition is valuable to the imagery created around the purgers but I 100% agree, after a second look, that 'them' is redundant. I'm intruiged though by why you picked out this particular sentence to be shortened? Its funny how different writers pick up on certain things which, as the author, you completely ignore!
    I can't wait either, there are soooo many brilliant entries to this competition, I don't envy the judges at all!
    Wouldn't mind at all, prepare for a long comment! :)
    Livvy
    2 years ago
    hahaha, i don't know why i noticed the "them" as being redundant. it just caught my eye i guess! i thought this piece was excellent, and think you can write really well. i will prepare for a long comment, i love criticism! so don't be afraid to be harsh, i really appreciate it :)
    Amy-Jay
    2 years ago
    well I'm glad you did, thanks for taking the time to comment so thoroughly, I also really appreciate it!
  • Livvy
    2 years agoReply
    Wow, Adam, love your work and this piece is definitely at the top of the pile. It was flowing and together and a great piece of writing. Your descriptions are really vivid and intense.

    Some things/suggestions to consider:

    1. You know how to make a piece flow that's for sure! It was great. In the second paragraph of the first chapter, the way you repeat "box" to connect the ideas of different sentences helps to guide the reader. It is a really good idea and a technique that helps encourage the observer through your actions and thoughts.

    2. "It is always this arrangement. I don't feel threatened, the dreamscape looks cold, but I don't feel that. Sometimes, I know that I am dreaming, but am powerless to change anything that is happening." This line drew me into the story. It is a powerful addition to your opening chapter and certainly made me want to get to know the protagonist more. It made me ask questions about how this would change throughout the course of the story.

    3. The name Nuala certainly suits the character you were trying to create, and usually I am not one for introductions of characters in their stories unless it is a diary only because I prefer the omniscient third person narrator. However, in this instance it fit with your personality. It easily filtered through and didn't seem out of place or awkward. I commend you on this because generally it doesn't work nearly as well as it did here.

    4. One suggestion I have is for the first sentence of your second chapter. Your first chapter mentions the title or something connected to the title in the first sentence, so does your second chapter. I would switch it up so you don’t sound repetitive or redundant. I liked the content of the rest of the second chapter just would change the first sentence.

    5. Also liked how your first sentence in the last chapter. The question had me hooked!

    Overall, a good read and certainly a contender! Good luck and I wish you well in the competition!!!
    Perchance to dream...
    Perchance to dream...
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    My entry for the picture competition. This is the self-contained prelude to a forthcoming epic fantasy.
    Livvy
    2 years ago
    Let me clarify, what I meant is the first sentence of chapter one is "Every night, I have the same dream" and the first sentence of chapter two is "Every morning, I wake up, in the same position, the same bed, the same place. A small room, small house, small street, small town." I feel like the "Every," makes it a little redundant and I was suggesting that you change the first two words of the second chapter or just that once sentence. I hope that makes more sense!! And i hope my comment has been helpful :) loved this piece!
  • Livvy
    2 years agoReply
    excellent poem. certainly caught my attention and held it. great progression through the narrator, enjoyed this very much!!!!!
    Madness or Love?
    Madness or Love?
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    Supraja
    2 years ago
    thanks... glad u enjoyed it :):)
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