FemaleUnited KingdomMember since 13 Jun 12Age 17Last online 7 hours ago

Proud member of the Maverick family.
*Creepypasta Family* - Laughing Jack.

So about me...well I'm 16, devoutly weird, one-third-Agent, one-third-Lone Survivor of a rebel group, and one-third-Commandress of the most controversial of the genres.
Yes, they can go together.

I am a Key of the Gate, a member of The Gateway Army!

I'm also an ambassador, so if you've got any questions about the site, getting your movella noticed, or anything like that, drop a message and I'll answer any question.

So to you today,
I will put my hand on my heart,
And say my oath to Movellas:

I promise to stay,
I promise to fight to the end.
I will not be lead astray,
I will stand by you my friend.
To Movellas I will remain loyal,
I will not fall to the uprising danger.
We are the kind of Royal,
Even with any stranger.
We have not given in,
And I never will.
I will turn from this sin,
And write with my electronic 'quill.'
Here I am, about to fall apart,
On my knees, hand on heart.
I will fight to the bitter end,
I will defend from this bloody war.
Fight against this rising trend,
So join me as I walk through this door.

  • The Movellas Journalist ✔
    Hey Holly. I was just wondering if you're still gonna be writing for Moveljay. If not, that's fine, but we've both kinda slacked off on it lately so I added two chapters to it. Do you still wanna help write it? It's okay if you don't :P :D
    Ms Holly
    1 months ago
    I do, but can it please wait until early June? I've got my A Level exams on at the moment and I need to focus on them.
    The Movellas Journalist ✔
    Of course! I have exams too. :D
  • Ms Holly
    2 months agoReply
    Right, I only managed to CC the first two chapters, but here you are.

    You start by setting the scene very well, but you could do with using a bit more description. Try like this.
    "The semi-silence of the woods was broken abruptly by the snapping of twigs, as a figure emerged from the tangled thicket of bushes, crunching the grass beneath her feet. Cool glints reflected off her dark hair as the wind played with it. The metallic fastenings of her dark outfit flashed in the darkness, and the slender blade in her hand glinted fiery hues of gold and red, glinting dangerously as the mournful cry of a wolf echoed in the distance."

    Try using techniques like linking strands of description together, so it seems more flowing, and show-don't-tell. A good quote on this by Anton Chekov says "Don't tell me the moon is shining, show me the glint of light on broken glass."

    Also, add a little more description. Use all five senses. What does her room fully look like? Is it cosy-feeling, or imprisoning? Do the floorboards creak when she stands on them, or do the stone slabs chill her feet? Is it fresh-smelling, or musky and heavy? Again, make it all flow together. Connect the senses.

    Is this story in the past tense? As if it is, 'knew' should be 'know'.

    Again, don't tell her emotions. Show that she's shocked. Does her knife slip from her limp grasp and clatter to the floor? Can she not stop staring? Does she forget to breathe and starts going dizzy?

    For chapter 2, again, link sentences of dialogue together. You tend to use a lot of short sentences, which is good for grabbing attention, but you need to balance it out with longer sentences, to make it flow.

    You don't need to keep repeating her name, particularly as a sentence opening. Vary your sentence openings, and try keeping the mentioning of her name to once every other paragraph.

    Other than that, from what I've read so far, this looks to be a very good stor with a good plot, and I hope you continue.
    Dawn of the Soldier
    Dawn of the Soldie...
    14
    451
    5
    Destroy or be destroyed
  • Ms Holly
    2 months agoReply
    HalfBloodKanya - A name, a mix, an incarnation. She was raised in a realm of flame and scale, living with the serpentine drakes she rides and controls, taming...


    You don't have to do it all. Just as many chapters as you want after chapters 1 and 2.
    Thank you!!!! *Sends e-hug* :D
Loading ...