FemaleUnited StatesMember since 19 Apr 13Last online 2 years ago

An intention fueled by passion can be impossible to stop.

  • Kristi My
    4 years agoReply
    1 Like
    Okay so it's been 2-3 weeks, but I finally got around to looking at your NaNoWriMo novel! Sorry that it's so late (I was working on mine; I didn't finish but school got in the way). Any way, here is my advice:
    Prologue: I really like this. It's short and to the point, but it does leave the reader wanting more and I find myself drawn in.
    Act 1 (The use of Act makes me feel as though I am supposed to be reading a script): The use of "I can remember..." and "I slipped..." and lines like "... I was able to..." make me feel sort of separated from the character, because if you were really in someone's mind, or even on a daily basis, you don't say "And I walk," out loud as you do it. Don't worry, I'm guilty of it too. My advice to you about this would be to change it to something that is more connective to the character. For example, instead of, "I can remember those times clearly..." you can be more connective by saying, "Those times are remembered so vividly..." Of course, if you don't like that idea, you could always switch to third person. I'm assuming that this mistake is made throughout, so I won't repeat it.
    Act 2: Since when do Princesses have combat lessons? This story seems to be set in an older age from the way it sounds so proper, so I sort of assumed that it was set in a time period where girls were seen as fragile. Just a comment.
    -from this point it seems very edited, which is good.
    -And I am intrigued. By the time I finished this chapter, I was hooked. Favorited!

    I'm not sure how much you wanted me to read, but I can promise that I will keep reading, and make my comments along the way!
    The Beast Within
    The Beast Within
    6
    4099
    37
    In a world where magic is outlawed and virtually extinct, Princess Fiamatta suddenly finds her world turned inside out by the traitorous word. From royalty, to fugitive, to leader of the rebels, Fia is...
    Azura S.
    4 years ago
    Thank you so much. One thing that I do have trouble with is making the readers feel the story like I do, so I will try to mend that. and I'll explain on the combat lessons a bit more. Thanks for reading and favoriting my story :)
  • Kristi My

    mumbled "Playing Ketchup with my NaNoWriMo Novel"

    4 years agoReply
    I haven't written a thing this week. I have some serious work to do
    Kristi My
    4 years ago
    Oh, that's no problem at all! I'm also part taking in Nano also, so I understand what you're going through. I will give u ur CC within the next few days, if that's alright.
    Azura S.
    4 years ago
    That's fine, and thank you :)
    Kristi My
    4 years ago
    Definitely not a problem! I love reading other people's work
  • Kristi My

    mumbled "Procrastination is My Worst Enemy"

    4 years agoReply
    1 Like
    I seem to be a pro at it, but it is definitely, absolutely bad for my health. When I put off my homework, I stay up till dawn. Or when I just put everything off, I don't have time to write. I really want to update my stuff, but then I just want to sleep and catch up on my work. And then I hate myself for loading so much on my plate. But eventually this will all be over. I hope.
    CorkyPorkyღ
    4 years ago
    Same here. I always tell myself "I'll do it tomorrow." and then I never do it so I end up telling myself the same thing the next day! It's kind of bad for Homework. I swear it's like genetic or something...we should get special treatment for it! :)
    Kristi My
    4 years ago
    I hope its not genetic... If it was, i don't think we'll be able to be cured of if
  • Kristi My
    4 years agoReply
    So I have to say that I love the plot and your have a fantastic writing style. But there are some flaws here, like you say she can't remember things, but then you bring up how her burn mark doesn't look like others that she's seen, but how would she remember that? Or what a family is? Its more like... small details that throw the story off a bit. Other than that, it's really good :)
    Project GAIA
    Project GAIA
    24
    1217
    66
    CC welcomed :) WARNING- Contains scenes of a violent nature. Harley wakes up at the Facility, with no memory of her life before. She is told that she is one of a small percentage of humans with special...
    Sam Banks
    4 years ago
    Hi thanks for reading and for the CC :) The things like burn marks and family are very general things; the things she can't remember are more like personal experiences, and memories - otherwise Harley probably wouldn't know how to walk and talk either :P
    Thanks again- i appreciate you taking the time to read :D x
    Sam Banks
    4 years ago
    btw that's the idea of family in general, not her family specifically (i just reread my comment and was like wow that's a bit confusing) :P
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