FemaleUnited StatesMember since 19 Apr 13Last online 1 months ago

An intention fueled by passion can be impossible to stop.

  • Kristi My
    4 years agoReply
    1 Like
    Okay so it's been 2-3 weeks, but I finally got around to looking at your NaNoWriMo novel! Sorry that it's so late (I was working on mine; I didn't finish but school got in the way). Any way, here is my advice:
    Prologue: I really like this. It's short and to the point, but it does leave the reader wanting more and I find myself drawn in.
    Act 1 (The use of Act makes me feel as though I am supposed to be reading a script): The use of "I can remember..." and "I slipped..." and lines like "... I was able to..." make me feel sort of separated from the character, because if you were really in someone's mind, or even on a daily basis, you don't say "And I walk," out loud as you do it. Don't worry, I'm guilty of it too. My advice to you about this would be to change it to something that is more connective to the character. For example, instead of, "I can remember those times clearly..." you can be more connective by saying, "Those times are remembered so vividly..." Of course, if you don't like that idea, you could always switch to third person. I'm assuming that this mistake is made throughout, so I won't repeat it.
    Act 2: Since when do Princesses have combat lessons? This story seems to be set in an older age from the way it sounds so proper, so I sort of assumed that it was set in a time period where girls were seen as fragile. Just a comment.
    -from this point it seems very edited, which is good.
    -And I am intrigued. By the time I finished this chapter, I was hooked. Favorited!

    I'm not sure how much you wanted me to read, but I can promise that I will keep reading, and make my comments along the way!
    The Beast Within
    The Beast Within
    6
    4501
    37
    In a world where magic is outlawed and virtually extinct, Princess Fiamatta suddenly finds her world turned inside out by the traitorous word. From royalty, to fugitive, to leader of the rebels, Fia is...
    Azura S.
    4 years ago
    Thank you so much. One thing that I do have trouble with is making the readers feel the story like I do, so I will try to mend that. and I'll explain on the combat lessons a bit more. Thanks for reading and favoriting my story :)
  • Kristi My
    5 years agoReply
    So I have to say that I love the plot and your have a fantastic writing style. But there are some flaws here, like you say she can't remember things, but then you bring up how her burn mark doesn't look like others that she's seen, but how would she remember that? Or what a family is? Its more like... small details that throw the story off a bit. Other than that, it's really good :)
    Project GAIA
    Project GAIA
    24
    1217
    66
    CC welcomed :) WARNING- Contains scenes of a violent nature. Harley wakes up at the Facility, with no memory of her life before. She is told that she is one of a small percentage of humans with special...
    Sam Banks
    5 years ago
    Hi thanks for reading and for the CC :) The things like burn marks and family are very general things; the things she can't remember are more like personal experiences, and memories - otherwise Harley probably wouldn't know how to walk and talk either :P
    Thanks again- i appreciate you taking the time to read :D x
    Sam Banks
    5 years ago
    btw that's the idea of family in general, not her family specifically (i just reread my comment and was like wow that's a bit confusing) :P
  • Kristi My
    5 years agoReply
    1 Like
    This is exceptionally well-written! And definitely my type of story :) I have to say that I am impressed and I cannot wait for more
    Orbus
    Orbus
    31
    3338
    86
    Aeryn Miller has found herself at her dream job after weeks of arduous training and four consecutive days of examinations at the Orbus Practical Research Facility. When Aeryn discovers Project (Name Pending),...
    TheFuzz
    5 years ago
    Ohh thank you, i've started writing the second chapter XD
  • Kristi My

    I'm looking for readers, and I bet you are too :)

    5 years agoReply
    I hope you, reader, are doing well :) I'm glad out of all the forums on the site, you've opened this one. Anyways, as the title says, I am looking for readers to check out my co-written story Tainted Enchantment (written with Green_Jordané). I mean, for the most part we are looking for readers, but we also need feedback. We'd like to know the good, and the bad, all the mistakes, ect ect. So please check it out, and if you like, I'll read something of yours in return. Also check out our individual stories, because we'd like feedback on that too.
    Thank you so much and have a lovely day :)
    TheFuzz
    5 years ago
    I'll definitely take a look at it :)
    Would you mind checking out my new sci-fi? It's called Orbus :)
    OrbusAeryn Miller has found herself at her dream job after weeks of arduous training and four consecutive days of examinations at the Orbus Practical Research...

    Thanks!
    Sam Banks
    5 years ago
    I'm reading as we speak :) could you take a look at mine if you have time?
    Project GAIACC welcomed :) WARNING- Contains scenes of a violent nature. Harley wakes up at the Facility, with no memory of her life before. She is told that...

    i'd appreciate some fedback :) x thanks
  • Kristi My
    5 years agoReply
    The plot is very interesting :) I do think that you should add in some more detail, though, because right now, it's as if you're just telling us what's going on, and you're not really telling. I'm fairly sure that's the only critique that I can offer. :) good job coming up with your own unique idea!
    I'll Wait For You
    I'll Wait For You
    6
    452
    9
    When Mesa, a fifteen year old girl from Hell is sent on her mission down on Earth to save as many humans as she can, she has to learn to cope without the love of her life and twenty year old tutor, Fir...
    Green_Jordané
    5 years ago
    Thank you for your comment and I'll see what I can do about the detail. At the moment I'm just getting down all of my thoughts and whenever I write a story I go back and add more stuff but with your comment I'll do it right away perhaps. Thanks :)
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