MaleMember since 21 Jul 12Last online 5 years ago

  • Jjfiejpr
    5 years agoReply
    Interesting summary and a beginning which doesn't disappoint. You have all the things that are easily forgotten, but which are a pleasure to read; an introduction to where we are, a nice beginning (straight into action) and a feeling of who the main character is (a guy who's with his buddies and has to man up, but is scared to his very bones). Great!
    One thing that could make the story read more smoothly is if you started a new paragraph when someone new spoke. Like:
    ///"And the girl was never seen again," Dan whispered, the torch in his hands casting gloomy shadows across his face. There was silence in the room.
    "Fuck off, Dan. That wasn't scary at all," remarked John...///
    It may be a personal thing, but I think it works more easily to distinguish who's speaking and what's going on.
    I'm looking forward to seeing more!
    Nymph blood
    Nymph blood
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    James is just an average fifteen year old boy. He likes video games and basketball, as well as his friends dan and john. But one day, while walking through witch woods, he discovers something that will...
    Tru :)
    5 years ago
    thank you so much! and i'm changing it now. :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
  • Jjfiejpr
    5 years agoReply
    Hey there, what a nice start. It's easily read and you quickly introduce the theme of the story (love) with all the classic hints; an awkward girl and her friend, as well as the infamous handsome boy. You have all the elements, but I think you could gain a lot from working a bit on your style. I think your chapter would read more easily by just starting with your second paragraph ("Alex. The name..."). The first paragraph can seem a bit heavy for a light lovestory as this seems to be. Another thing that you could include is where they are; it's easier for me as a reader to follow the story if I know whether it takes place at school, on the street or somewhere else.
    Else I think you have a very cute start to the story and you introduce the bit awkward, shy girl with a lacking confidence finely. Keep working (:
    Love Is A Weird Thing
    Love Is A Weird...
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    Alex, the only person on her mind.
  • Jjfiejpr
    5 years agoReply
    Hello there!
    What an interesting idea you've come up with. I can tell your imagination is surely working and that you have a lot to say, but that can also become a bit of a problem. Your first chapter is wonderful; you are descriptive and start focusing on actual action and on having your character be a part of the story. This is what makes reading a joy and though I agree with ToryB that describing your character more would be good, you're giving the reader some images to work with and some happenings which is good. I felt this was however lacking in your prologue. I know a lot of people like writing prologues because they can make sure the reader understand the world they're entering, but prologues can be boring and a bit of a bother to read - kind of like the rules for a game. You need to know them to play, but if they can be presented in a funny way, they're sure to be read. Maybe if you made the prologue more story-like or included the description of the world in the actual story, it would make a smoother read. What do your main character think of where it's at? Maybe you could have your main character explain the place to the readers instead of doing it in the prologue.
    You're well on your way to something exciting. You should surely keep going! And I respect you a lot for being open for critique and taking it nicely as I see you do in the comments; that's the only way forward, but you're young, so you still have plenty of time to improve. No worries (:
    The City (On Hold)
    The City (On Hold)
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    Ariana lives in The City. The people there are oppressed by The Dictator and fearful of his Ritual. But soon, their fear is fading and they are no longer willing to suffer in silence. When rebellion breaks...
    tashajjayne
    5 years ago
    Thanks very much for you ideas and opinions on this! It's great that you can be so honest about what you think and I really want to thank you for that, as I want to know what people REALLY think and not just a nice compliment that doesn't represent their real opinion. I wanted the prologue to be impersonal to my character as later on in the story I am going to make it much more personal to my main character, revealing her opinions and some other information that hasn't been revealed yet :)
    I will take what you think into consideration, and have a look over the prologue agian
    Thanks again :)
  • Jjfiejpr
    5 years agoReply
    Hey there, what a nice, easy start to a story! It reminds me a little of the books about Ellie by Jacquline Wilson (if you haven't read them, maybe you would be interested?). I think you're getting the characters down nicely and easily. I feel introduced to them though I don't know much about them nor their story yet. The only thing that confuses me a little is the mix of writing styles you're using; you're writing it like a diary, but you seem to change between having the writer Izzy's very personal style (which works good for diaries like this!) and then a more professional writing approach (like when you go into details about who said what to whom). I think few writes out full conversations in their diaries; maybe a more indirect description could work or something similar? But even if you take on this approach, I'll be excited to see more from you. I think you have great potential as a girl's stories writer.
    Diary of Moi
    Diary of Moi
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    The story of one girl as she aspires to be what she adores the most: an author! And her friends. Yeah. Dedicated to anyone whom I like.
    Starlight Constellation
    Thanks, even if this comment is a bit late.
  • Jjfiejpr
    5 years agoReply
    I agree with Scarlet Lark; a very interesting prologue with some beautiful descriptions. It's something that will surely draw your readers into the story right away. I could suggest you to maybe be careful with overworking your sentences; it's easy to get lost a little when you have a great vocabulary and many things to get into details with, but as a new reader, we know little of the world you're showing us and are curious to know a lot, so be careful with getting heavy in your writing. But truly interesting, I'll be coming back to see how it progresses for sure!
    She Dances with Wolves
    She Dances with...
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    In a world seperated by the eternal battle for supremacy, every individual fights for their freedom. Equality is a word no longer recognised by those of narrowed eye and furrowed brow. It's war. And nobody...
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