FemaleUnited KingdomMember since 15 Feb 12Age 21Last online 1 years ago

"My Name Is -" is the most popular fantasy movella of all time.

"Your Own Worst Enemy" is the third most popular paranormal and supernatural movella of all time. Link to review of "YOWE": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbjn3dvRvHg&list=UUKMSHbbOiLx8oIYmYa-ZfDQ

Thank you all so much :)

  • R K Guron
    4 years agoReply
    These first chapters made me smile - the description is so realistic and just perfect for a fantasy. A little CC for you: in the prologue, first chapter, there are quite a lot of "had"s which for me slowed it down a little bit. Try replacing them with something else and you'll get a better flow straight off the bat.

    On a side note, welcome to movellas! I'm interested to see where this story is going to go and what other stuff you'll be working on :)
    The Iron Den
    The Iron Den
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    For generations the Dragon Tree has been passed down Alaina's family line, and it has finally reached her. The Dragon Tree taps into the memory of it's owner, and gives them their greatest fear along with...
    Cassidy McGuire
    4 years ago
    Wow thank you so much! Yeah I did notice that when I proof read it last night, so I will go and change that now :-D
  • R K Guron
    4 years agoReply
    2 Likes
    This is so great! It's such an original idea, and I was glued to the screen. I know you've already done brilliantly in the competition but it can't help to give a little feedback, so try to limit the number of times you use "was." E.g Josh "was laughing." It slips into passive voice and is more "tell."

    I would have liked to know a bit more on Brians' thought process (because he's such a brilliant character.) HOW does he reach the conclusion to help Emily? What about her makes him want to help her, especially with such high consequences?

    Josh is a little vague as a character, and I suspect deliberately so. I'm not sure what to make of him. He's supposedly waiting there for his brother, but at the end he's suddenly there to help people board the train? Why doesn't Brian pick up on this? He just accepts Josh won't be going with him because he needs to help other people, not because he's waiting for his brother.

    Overall, I just want to reiterate how good I think this is. Your writing is so simple and you managed to hold my interest through the whole thing. Well done!
    Purgatory Platform
    Purgatory Platform
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    The narrator, Brian, wakes up with a shocking realisation - he has died! Trapped in a place where sin works like monetary debt, Brian must find a way to lose his sin and board the train that will take...
    EvergreenKnight
    4 years ago
    Thank you for your kind words, and also for your feedback! It's always really helpful to get some constructive and specific feedback. I agree with you about Brian's though processes and the 'rushed' feeling of the ending - these were largely symptoms of the word limit, and are both things that I would like to improve upon/expand when I go back to writing this. I guess if I wanted to be hyper critical of myself I could say that I should have found a way to improve it whilst working within the confines of the word limit, but there we go! As for the overuse of 'was' that wasn't something I realised that I did, so thanks for drawing my attention to it - must be one of those annoying bad habits I've subconsciously developed!

    Glad you enjoyed reading it!

  • R K Guron
    4 years agoReply
    SERIOUSLY thank you guys so much for the lovely comments! I WILL get round to writing the next chapter VERY SOON :D :D :D
    My Name Is –
    My Name Is –
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    This was originally for the Valentine's Day competition. The information said to write about love, so I did. My character is 'Love', who stopped believing in itself long ago. Edit: Oh my goodyness!...
  • R K Guron
    4 years agoReply
    I LOVE YOUR STUFF!!!

    In the summary, it says "her boyfriend is charged with her best friend's rape." This makes it sounds though there's a chance he's innocent. In the preface, this is obviously not the case. You might want to make the summary a little clearer. (Overall, I loved the preface. It was short, but drew me right in, which is all you ever want from an opening.)

    Chapter 1: "I thought to myself IRRITABLY." Does that adverb need to be there? Haven't you already shown that she's irritated through what she just thought? There's that huge paragraph describing Ella and Issac, and I think you need to break it down and remove a little of the back story. The story is flowing really well, and then there's that info dump in the middle of it. Does the reader NEED all that information now? Can it be spread over the course of a number of chapters?

    "I managed to get A*s and As respectively." You don't need to write "respectively." The speech "Alaska, come in. Is it Carter?" doesn't make it clear who is speaking. I'm a little confused, at the end of this. At this point, Carter raped Lily, got caught by her, and now he's smiling at her in class with an amused expression?

    OH NO CRAP! I just realized I skipped chapter 1! Oops :) I'll come back and read it again with fresh eyes, I think (although I have glanced over the next few chapters. Your descriptions are LOVELY. (Although you might want to think about adding some speech in chapter 3, to ground the story in the present day, otherwise it seems like that chapter is just there for back story.)

    Basically, I think this is brilliant, which I would expect from you. Sorry my comments are so muddled - I have no idea how I managed to jump a chapter. I've favourited so I can come back and read later.

    Would you mind checking out my entry for the young moveillist competition, 12 o'clock? :)
    Frozen Sea
    Frozen Sea
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    Sixteen-year-old Alaska's whole world is slowly but surely starting to crumble. Her boyfriend is charged with the rape of her best friend, and she is staring at a long, lonely summer of secrets and unimaginable...
    Alix
    4 years ago
    Aww thank you so much! Your feedback is very very much appreciated, very helpful advice! I completely get what you mean about the preface, I'll change it! Thank you for your CC, as anyone knows I love getting it and everything you said (like ICG!) made perfect sense when I looked back over the chapters again! Thank you thank you thank you :D :D Yes sure I will :)
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