FemaleUnited StatesMember since 21 Jun 15Last online 1 hours ago

Author of Hoist the Colours and other stories.

  • L.A.W.
    3 days agoReply
    Hi! I just saw that you were online recently, so I wanted to ask if you could email me at alora80972@gmail.com. I'd like to keep in contact while you're on break from Movellas. :-)
    CarolClifford
    3 days ago
    I'm actually still on lol but yeah! Sounds great! I'm easier to get a hold of through twitter if you have one of those?
  • L.A.W.
    3 months agoReply
    Right. I just read this, and THE ENDING. Just the "You could be next" made me shudder and at the same time, feel kinda sad.

    The whole thing made me wonder exactly what happened to Lucy, because it says she died. Purple and black and blue implies that she was bruised... so he, Charles, hurt her. Is he some kind of a sociopath? Like, he lured Lucy in to be his victim and he's going to kill more people the same way?

    Sorry, I watch too many crime shows and now I see serial killer characters everywhere. My point is, this whole story is so mysterious and ORIGINAL. I had so many questions while reading it, and when a story makes me ask questions, I know it's good.

    While short, I've never been so hooked on a story on Movellas. Even if the chapters are only a few sentences long, they still held my attention. You put so much meaning into just a couple of words!

    I do agree with @[Le Fox] -- you could really expand on this, make it into an amazing novel! But at the same time, I feel that it does very well on its own. Just...the mysterious air around the few sentences in each chapter make it unique.

    Being as I'm not one for paragraph after paragraph of description, this was the perfect book for me. You manage to squeeze a creepy, mysterious, but kinda sad story into only a few paragraphs and it's just /awesome/.

    I'm definitely going to be telling people to read this. It deserves far more reads and favorites than it has now. I can tell that you'll write even more amazing stories on here and the next time you post something, let me know! I'll be sure to read it and leave a comment. :-)
    LUCY
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    Lucy Baxter was happy, until she wasn't.
  • L.A.W.
    3 months agoReply
    Right, so, here's my full CC. I feel like a lot of the first chapter is an, let's say, info dump. While the wording is amazing and the structure of the sentences intricate, it seems like just paragraph after paragraph of description with nothing happening. I'm a dialogue person, not a description person, so again, this is probably just me.

    I wish I could get more thoughts from Artemis -- like, I know she's a goddess and everything and probably meets singing wolves all the time, but wouldn't she be the slightest bit wary of it? And she speaks of her brother as obnoxious and everything, but there is not much feeling there.

    I believe that Artemis, as the narrator of this story, should be more... I don't know, *human*. Even if she is a goddess, the reader should be able to get into her shoes, understand how she's feeling- she should be like a real person. But I didn't get that feeling while reading her narration. It was all just...emotionless. Robotic, even.

    You say her voice shakes, but I don't feel her loss. I just can't relate to her- she's not personable, I guess you could say.

    This chapter seems to be divided into two parts, the first part ending at "my vision turned black". Because of this, I believe that you should put a "~" between the two parts, to indicate the beginning of the next part.

    After the "it was a beginning", there is a large space. I don't think that should be there- it makes it appear as though it's just an.... introduction and doesn't go with the rest of this. You know what I mean?

    I didn't see any grammar or spelling errors. The cover is beautiful and the blurb implies that this will be a pretty interesting story. I think that if Artemis showed some personality, this could be a masterpiece. :-)
    Silver and Gold
    Silver and Gold
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    [Entry for Strange the Dreamer competition - Option One] Artemis and Apollo are brother and sister - two halves of a whole. Artemis has always been the wild one, the dreamer, the adventurer. But her...
    Le Fox
    3 months ago
    Thank you so much for the CC! I've taken it on board and will act on your advice as soon as I've finished studying. :)

    Thanks again! :) <3
  • L.A.W.
    3 months agoReply
    So I'm just going to start with the fact that Artemis is my favorite goddess, so I was really excited to see that this story was about her. Apollo is pretty cool too, so I knew this would be interesting.

    Your first paragraph of the first chapter hooks you in, but when you are talking about a god's first breath, it gets a tad repetitive. I think you should take out "feel their lungs rattling for the first time". This is just my opinion, of course, and as I haven't seen others comment on it, I wouldn't say it's a problem.
    Silver and Gold
    Silver and Gold
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    [Entry for Strange the Dreamer competition - Option One] Artemis and Apollo are brother and sister - two halves of a whole. Artemis has always been the wild one, the dreamer, the adventurer. But her...
    Le Fox
    3 months ago
    Thank you! :)
    L.A.W.
    3 months ago
    Omg! I'm so sorry, this wasn't my CC. XD I had begun to write it on my phone and when I tried to copy and paste it onto a google document in order to transfer it to my computer, it all got deleted! Guess it got posted, not deleted. I'm going to post the rest of my CC in another comment. :-)
  • L.A.W.
    3 months agoReply
    1 Like
    Hi Carol! Snow ( @[SnowPotato_] ) didn't want to be added to the 'Can't Return' list and asked me to comment on this in order to let you know that Movellas is acting up and she is unable to access it.


    *Also, I decided to comment on here because I can't find the mumble: I love your magazine idea! I've favorited it and liked it. I'm going to read it as soon as I have time. :D
    Review Store
    Review Store
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    This is the place where you link me your story and I review it. ATTENTION NEW READERS: If you are here to leave me your story, please read the rules and read my later reviews (Chapters 30+) to decide...
    CarolClifford
    3 months ago
    Thanks for the info, Alora! I knew she was taking a break I just didn't know when. But it's nice knowing she knew her review was up. :-)

    Thank you! I've wanted to do something different for a while. Wanna be interviewed?
    L.A.W.
    3 months ago
    I'll let her know that you know then. :-)

    Also, yes, I would love to be interviewed! :-)
    CarolClifford
    3 months ago
    I'll send you the co author request.
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