MaleUnited Arab EmiratesMember since 6 Nov 12Last online 1 days ago

Every time I embark on an new project, I change my profile to suit the theme. Next coming up is my Roman Novel based on the Wars of Octavian and Antony. Stay tuned!

Welcome, Welcome, indeed. This is my profile page, it has stories and my favorite ones. Usually I do it so you can enjoy them. I love writing and I can never leave the passion for it. It is the very fabric of life. I do aim to get published at the right time, the right moment, the right opportunity when I have completed my further stuides and then think its the right time to send it. Though I'll recieve a lot of rejections, and then finally get a publisher, and I'm 100% committed in this.Though of I am little talent, my writing I hope you enjoy. My main specialty is Historical Fiction but I've written in many other genres as well. Fantasy is my favorite, especially Victorian steam punk. I'm a avid gamer, so anything about video games, we can have a chat about it and a fan of history?Debate?Definitely! So enjoy what you see here, and if there's anything wrong in my stories, tell me and I'll fix it.

My previous usernames:
Zhuge Liang
Ezio Auditore Da Firenze
The Marshall
Danny Ocean
Clint Eastwood
The Desert Wanderer

I guess thats it really, so I always change my profile every two or three months.

You may have noticed that I like things a little too much, well my interests lie in History, I like playing strategy games, like Takeda or Total War, that is if you've ever heard of them. My history range lies within the spectrum of Asian History as I find it more fascinating, even Napoleonic history. But enough of that boring stuff, have a look and read through and enjoy your time.

  • Emperor of Rome
    Chapter 12:

    Another fantastic chapter, I liked the family drama and tension, and I like the way you've made the character have a good relationship with her mother. I loved that - it adds drama, all the things you need. The last sentence was very good, but I felt it a little bit overused if you asked me.

    No crits on this one, tbh. Just really amazing.

    Sorry if my feedback wasn't what you were expecting, but from what I have seen, the story is getting better and better.

    Though one thing,

    '' As I realised I'd upset her, the poor girl '' - you can add that in :)

    Loving this so far, and will give feedback on the next four chapters when I can.
    Thereafter
    Thereafter
    92
    5651
    203
    *NaNoWriMo 2014* There are always a host of flowers on the side of the road, whether brand new or shrivelled from weeks of rest. Their appearance, though sad, was never odd. So when another wave of flowers...
    Molly Looby
    4 days ago
    Thank you so much for all your feedback as always! I'm glad you're really getting into the story! That's just what I wanted to hear :)
    Emperor of Rome
    3 days ago
    1 Like
    No problem :)
  • Emperor of Rome
    Chapter 10:
    The opening sentence is good, but I would suggest rewording some bits:

    I realised how stupid I had become.

    This could be a way to give a bang to the chapter.

    Then go on about how you believe Grace and so and so forth.

    An error I find:

    Mondy's chrysanthemum I hadn't thought for a minute that it'd returned to the plant.

    Should be

    Monday's chrysanthemum, I hadn't for one minute even thought that the plant would return.

    I changed the sentence structure a little bit, but I added a comma - make sure you avoid too many lengthy descriptions unless it adds to your story.

    Maybe you might want to add:

    Nathan grabbed my arm, grinning like a crazy toothed monkey like the way he was

    It just adds personality to the story, and gives it more life when you describe your character's actions more. We then get to know what we think of Nathan in her eyes - these extra details you shouldn't miss. They are like gold dust.

    You did this with the Grace example - at the last sentence of the opening paragraph - an excellent piece of writing - you used personality to add it in there - repeat it in some paragraphs as well.

    But what I really like is Nathan's reassuraing figure - its the type of thing you'd see in a film or something. I really got immersed as to how she got scared - and how Nathan kept on trying to reassure there was nothing there as he couldn't see it - brilliant! That's something very hard to achieve by the way. Its not easy writing that in my opinion.

    Oops, I forget this was chapter 11. Still, it is going really good now
    Thereafter
    Thereafter
    92
    5651
    203
    *NaNoWriMo 2014* There are always a host of flowers on the side of the road, whether brand new or shrivelled from weeks of rest. Their appearance, though sad, was never odd. So when another wave of flowers...
    Molly Looby
    4 days ago
    It's not that the plant has moved, it's the flower itself that she picked is back on the plant. I know it's a little confusing - I'm going to make everything clearer in the second draft.

    I love Nathan, he was fantastic to write and I'm glad you like him too :)
    Emperor of Rome
    3 days ago
    1 Like
    Ah right I see.

    Sure that'll be fine.

    Ofc, and this is very good, no doubt about that.
  • Emperor of Rome
    Chapter 9:

    As far I can see, the story is really beginning to pick up - Grace's revelation of Winne seeing the flowers did question me - if others are seeing this....does this put our main character in danger? I'm not finding many crits with this, and as well for typos, I haven't been able to do so.

    But what I would suggest is shortening sentences, because I think you use far too many '' its, ands, looked'' - this is something I suffer from, and I don't want to see you suffer like that. Say for your first sentence, you menation about exams, and then go on about how Nathan is incapable of organising his way home, for me I would split the two sentences with a comma. Ofc long sentences are good, but just make sure they serve a purpose.

    Zed's disapperence is also beginning to make me wonder - what is he actually? What dark motives is he holding? Is he some sort of kidnapper? Look, if you can make a reader, even an unintelligent one like me be able to guess this - make the reader THINK, you are doing a greater job for yourself as an author. One of the demanding aspects of writing is that you have to engage with your audience - you have to make many chapters engage and question the reader. I know my weaknesses and I intend to improve my writing every day - no matter even if it is bad. You're lucky and talented that you can write in such a way that I cannot. Authors that can make their readers think and question - its a great joy for a reader, and its excellent because you then are carrying this forward - it will help you should you go to the publishing proccess - because that's what they want - stories that can excite them.

    So a good chapter, and it is definitely picking up. Def.
    Thereafter
    Thereafter
    92
    5651
    203
    *NaNoWriMo 2014* There are always a host of flowers on the side of the road, whether brand new or shrivelled from weeks of rest. Their appearance, though sad, was never odd. So when another wave of flowers...
    Emperor of Rome
    4 days ago
    Sorry this was chapter 10.
    Molly Looby
    4 days ago
    Thanks :) I haven't looked into my sentence structure yet as this is just my first draft but it's something I'm going to concentrate on when I go to the second draft.
    Emperor of Rome
    3 days ago
    1 Like
    Yeah that's fine, when you come to edit it you'll be able to rectify this easily, I'm pointing it out now so you can at least refer to them.
  • Emperor of Rome
    Ok here you go Molly, a word of warning, mock exams are next week so I won't find much time to comment as I'm revising pretty much. But anyway, here is your delivered criqituie and thanks for keeping up with me, I know I've been useless but I try.

    Ok so Chapter 9 review:

    Well that was a complete blast! The story is really picking up now, and I am liking the way of the imagery you've used to combine the flowers to make it a really scary thing. I was thinking, what the heck was gonna happen next? It wasn't predictable, and that's what I liked about it. Its an amazingly well written chapter I'll tell you.

    Only one error

    '' Only. Like'' or something like that, it should be

    '' Only, like ''

    Otter and Nathan looked at one another

    Can be rewritten as:

    Otter and Nathan glanced at one another.

    Glanced is better than looked at one in my opinion.

    But otherwise it was a very good chapter.

    On the all I wanted to say, why don't you have her sulking, folding her arms? Adds more excitement if you ask me.

    But a thumbs up from me!
    Thereafter
    Thereafter
    92
    5651
    203
    *NaNoWriMo 2014* There are always a host of flowers on the side of the road, whether brand new or shrivelled from weeks of rest. Their appearance, though sad, was never odd. So when another wave of flowers...
    Molly Looby
    4 days ago
    Thanks! :)
    Emperor of Rome
    3 days ago
    1 Like
    No problem :)
  • Emperor of Rome
    1 Like
    Chapter 8:

    I have no crits about this chapter. Its an excellent strong chapter, that starts with a bang and it ends with a bang. Finally we get to see more of this flowers, and Zed is used very smartly here. I also like hearing things from Abz's perspective, she's a very smartly and intelligent character. She knows what she is doing. And it was unpredictable from the start, and I just loved this chapter. It was an excellent chapter, and I don't have many cruits from this.
    Thereafter
    Thereafter
    92
    5651
    203
    *NaNoWriMo 2014* There are always a host of flowers on the side of the road, whether brand new or shrivelled from weeks of rest. Their appearance, though sad, was never odd. So when another wave of flowers...
    Molly Looby
    1 weeks ago
    It's fine, take your time, I'm not going anywhere :)
    Emperor of Rome
    1 weeks ago
    Sorry Molly, its my incompetence and study work that's not letting me give you feedback. Right, I'll take my time and give it when I can.
    Molly Looby
    1 weeks ago
    That's fine! Don't beat yourself up about it. Any feedback is brilliant, I don't mind when it gets to me :)
Loading ...