United StatesMember since 14 May 12Last online 3 years ago

The thing about most fantastic fiction is that it consists mostly of beautiful, perfect lies that we all want to believe because it makes the world a more interesting place.
So that is my goal, basically. To be a damn good liar.

  • H. U. Washington
    I'm impressed. In very few words, you've managed to evoke a wide span of emotions and create intricate moods. I'm not a poetry kind of person, but I really enjoyed this. :-P
    A Walk of Reunion
    A Walk of Reunion
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    An illustrated poem about my reunion with a city very close to my heart.
    Tohpi
    3 years ago
    Thank you so much for all your kind words! :D
  • H. U. Washington
    Prologue:
    It's very well-written. The language flows easily, and the varied choice of words reflects the way Kedar's voice is presented. Well-educated, sharp, precise. The descriptions are very good, very nuanced and suitably detailed.
    I like the way those descriptions don't only describe Kedar - they set the whole mood.
    The only thing that confused me was this:
    "Whatever the information he wants to hear ..." Something's awkward about this sentence. I don't know what, exactly, but I think it's the "whatever the"-part. If it were me, I'd consider smoothing it out a bit.
    But then again, it's not my story.

    A Raven:
    The only obvious mistakes in here are a few misplaced commas.
    I really liked this chapter, despite the fact that I haven't a clue as to what is going on between Kalia and Casper. But hopefully I'll figure that out as I read on.
    With only two people present in this chapter, it's unnecessary to use their names as many times as you do. So long as they aren't the same gender, it's easy to destinguish between "he/him" and "she/her".

    A Hawk:
    Somehow I found the very beginning of this chapter clever.
    Again, it's a good story, and the chapters make me want to read on. They make me wonder what has happened and what's going to happen next. In a very short time, I feel like I have a decent picture of both Kalia and Casper.
    But the quick jump to the conclusion that he hates her confused me. Just how he went from being in pain, mourning, "dead" to hating her, I can't seem to understand.

    But overall it's a really interesting story. I'm glad I stopped by. :-)
    Dance of the Dead
    Dance of the Dead
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    Hark! Can you hear the dead dance? Can you feel the rhythm of their souls singing, their stomping feet sending echoes coursing through your veins? There's a rebellion rising on the East side of the world,...
    Gabriel
    3 years ago
    Thanks very much! I will get to work on changing the 'Whatever the' sentence in 'A Snake' and using the first names so many times.
    Yeah, maybe the way he hates her so fast is a bit fast. I will change that also!

    Thanks very, very much for your CC! Mirlotta and I really appreciate it when someone takes time to read all of this and then give lots of feedback. Thanks again :)
    Becky<33
  • H. U. Washington
    I saw your request for constructive criticism and thought I'd stop by. So here I am. :-P

    My first thought is that you should really check your grammar, and I notice that I'm not the only one missing proper punctuation. It's a shame that these are the first things people notice, because they're the ones that will make a first impression on people. If you see a long text full of incorrect grammar and hardly any periods, I imagine you'd lose interest pretty quickly.
    I'll admit, I skipped the paragraph written in italics. The reason for that is that it seemed a bit too tight. My eyes couldn't keep up. So a friendly word of advice: break it up. A more airy text is way easier to get through.

    I hope I'm not offending you in any way. I can assure you it's not my attention to be evil.

    Despite the fact that it needs a bit of work in terms of correct grammar, I actually liked the part where he sends her a snap. It seemed very genuine, very honest, to me, and very realistic as well. :-)

    Your heritage betrays you ;-) In writing "I went over there, smiled to him ..." you're making a mistake typically Danish. 'Cause in Danish you say "jeg smilede TIL ham". In English it's "I smiled AT him". And you did get it right later on, so I don't know if it just slipped your mind for a moment. We all make mistakes, after all, but I just thought this one was cute xD

    So ... yeah. I may have seemed a bit negative above. I'm really not. I like the idea, and the events that take place seem somewhat realistic. I'd like to compliment you on that, at least. :-)
    The pathetic truth
    The pathetic truth
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    The story is about a girl, she lives with here father, who is a alcoholic. The story is about how it is to be a teenager, with love parties, drama and all the things a teenager might go through
  • H. U. Washington
    Well-written and exciting. I especially liked the prologue where you managed to inform a lot in quite few sentences. And then the opening line for the continuation of the story.
    Shadows
    Shadows
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    Stalked by a shadow figure and haunted with nightmares that seem real, Sarah Fraser has been sentenced to life in a mental institute for the murder of her two best friends. When the figure begins to invade...
    R.A.Harris
    5 years ago
    Thank you S.Rosefelt glad you like it :)
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