FemaleUnited StatesMember since 4 May 13Last online 1 years ago

Writer. Reader. Photoshop dabbler. Music glutton and coffee addict. Taker of long walks and even longer baths.

  • Grace Alone
    4 years agoReply
    I really enjoyed the first chapter. As other commenters have said, you have a flair for description. My only criticism thus far is that you have some noticeable grammar and punctuation errors that interfere with readability at certain points. Otherwise, great job.
    The Swallows Sign
    The Swallows Sign
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    Peppa may be a clever girl but there is a mystery which has haunted her life since she could talk. Since she was born she has worn the mark of five small black swallow marks on her forearm, rather like...
  • Grace Alone
    4 years agoReply
    I really liked this piece as it was slightly reminiscent of Carrie. You've got a few grammar and punctuation issues that can be easily fixed. Overall, nice job :)
    Sarah's Revenge
    Sarah's Revenge
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    Sarah has been the target for one to many Halloween pranks, so tonight she plans on taking her revenge. But who'll have the last laugh when things don't go at all as planned.
  • Grace Alone
    4 years agoReply
    This is a wonderful piece of a soul's interaction with the devil. Writing in the second person is hard to pull off, but you did a wonderful job!
    Hades
    Hades
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    The appearance of Hades in a meeting quite unwanted. Written in the throes of a writer's block and the mind-numbing realisation that I have bored myself of my other stories.
  • Grace Alone
    4 years agoReply
    Interesting little piece. You've got some grammatical errors that you may want to correct, but I enjoyed the overall idea. It reminds me of the manga Gantz.
    Deletion
    Deletion
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    Kiara thought she'd die peacefully, lying down on the floor of her bedroom with no one to bother her. And she did die peacefully - it was just what happened after. Trapped as some embarrassing character...
    Mahogany
    4 years ago
    This is fab! I think you should have made it longer though, because the idea was so amazing!
    Mahogany
    4 years ago
    Oh well, sometimes life sucks a bit :-)
    Mahogany
    4 years ago
    Congratulations! Awesome :-)
  • Grace Alone
    4 years agoReply
    1 Like
    An interesting little piece you have here, MarvelFanGirl. In your blurb, you mentioned that you were still trying to piece the story together, so I'll refrain from commenting on the cohesiveness of the three separate parts you've presented.

    I will say that you've got some grammar and punctuation errors; most notably, the absence of a comma to close your dialogue tags (like "he said" or "she said"). Also there were a few instances where the imagery was unclear.

    For example: "Her entire body drained away and she relaxed into his chest."

    You may want to say something like, "The tension in her body drained away and she relaxed into his chest."

    Also, you have a few run on sentences. The one that stood out the most to me was this:

    "And lying there was little eight year old boy collapsed on the ground with a gash from a sword mauling his small leg that knew far more than he should about evil."

    Keep an eye out for those little things that can detract from the flow of your writing.

    I'm looking forward to seeing what else you can do. Keep writing! :)
    The Curse of a Lost Soul (Curse Chronicles)
    The Curse of a Los...
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    Prologue to a book I'm still trying to piece together
    MarvelFanGirl
    4 years ago
    1 Like
    Thank you! This is the first thing I've done with this and I've actually forgotten about it for a while. I really appreciate you reading it and pointing these things out!
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