FemaleIndiaMember since 3 Mar 13Age 20Last online 3 years ago

Hey.
There isn't a lot I know about myself.
That's a lie. Okay.
So, I'm an idiot, a writer(if what I write can be considered 'writing'), a caffeine addict...and books mean everything to me. I also draw (weird stuff, admittedly), write poems (weird ones, again...but I guess that depends on what YOU percieve as weird), and spend a lot of time just staring at the background of my laptop (a forest...I think. That's what it looks like, but then, you never know...I mean, things aren't always what they look like, hey?)
You can find me on Tumblr - http://felirix.tumblr.com/
And add me on facebook, if you want to...http://www.facebook.com/lakshmi.movvar
And that's pretty much all I can think of, at the moment.

Oh, and if you ever bother to read my story, thank you, and I also apologise in advance for the overuse of commas. A weird habit I can't seem to get rid of, like my obssession with the word 'weird'.

You're a lovely poerson for readig this till the end. Love ya. :3

  • Fell_Hard
    4 years agoReply
    Hey, you asked for constructive critisism...a long time back, but well...whatever.

    I really like the way you've planned out this story. This honestly looks great, plot-wise, description-wise, everything.

    The only place where the description seemed to jar a bit was when Aastha was trying to run from the Crimefighters. The whole 'Phew! There was no one there,' thing seems a bit too dramatic compared to the rest of the story. You need to add a bit more detail on how frightened Aastha really is in that situation...add more adrenaline to the story, more details- only in that one particular scene. The rest of the story is beautiful, and that whole tomatoes being too bright and tasting awkward thing had me laughing out loud.

    And if I were you, I'd change the sound that the intercom makes. It seems sort of comical. Maybe you could just describe it, y'know...like "The harsh crackling of the intercom jarred her back to the present," or "The high-pitched squeal of the intercom interrupted her thoughts," ...or something along those lines.

    Other than all this I absolutely love, love, love this story. I can't wait to read more.

    P.S- I'm Indian, too. I'm from Bangalore, actually. It was sort of nice to read something about Karnataka...that was a pretty accurate description.
    The Midean Rebel
    The Midean Rebel
    3
    484
    2
    I wrote this for a contest in the newspaper. Unfortunately, I didn't win but I didn't want the story to be forgotten. That's why I am uploading it here. I hope you like it. Please do share your opinion.
    Rohini N
    4 years ago
    I am really glad you liked my story. I agree with you but wanted it to be a little dramatic. I will try and fix the rest soon.
    It's really nice to connect with fellow Bangaloreans on a global platform like this (even I am from Bangalore). Thanks a lot. And good luck
  • Fell_Hard
    4 years agoReply
    Hey, you wanted advice on this, so here goes-

    This story sounds really interesting, it does. By the way of plot, it's one of the most unique stories I've ever come across. But the thing is, you should stop describing things the way you do. This looks more like an entry out of a time-bound journal of sorts than a story. Add in dialogues. Some conversations...maybe you could write something about Lilly talking to her mother over dinner? And instead of saying 'Mum demands we don't touch anything,' you could actually say it in active voice...and add details there. Something like-"Don't touch anything!" Mum snaps, looking irritated.

    And don't alternate between tenses...the last paragraph is in past tense, while the rest of the story is in present.

    And pace your chapters. You could stop where Lilly falls into another world in one chapter...that's what the description hints at, after all. Add more detail to the scene before that, make it bigger. This way, you'll be able to end with a cliffhanger...that's what keeps us interested.

    Other than that, I really like where this story is going...specially the fact that you attempted to write this in present tense...not a lot of people do that, it's really difficult to pull off and you seem to have done it fairly well, except for the general absence of dialogues.

    ...and I'm sorry if I bothered you with this comment.
    Animals
    Animals
    2
    1262
    13
    One normal, middle school, day a normal, boring, girl named Lilly, went to an antiques shop with her mom. Her little sister put a marble on the floor, and Lilly tripped. This is where all the problems...
    lilalila*
    4 years ago
    Thank you so much. I love being told how to improve, and I will keep what you said in mind for the next few chapters as I type them up soon, and all chapters as I write them during school lunch. Could you tell me what chapter the past tense is in? I am glad you read what little we have so far. Do not be afraid to post any comment on here, I love reading them and replying. Thanks again!
    Fell_Hard
    4 years ago
    The last paragraph in the prologue. :)
    lilalila*
    4 years ago
    Thank you, looking into it.
  • Fell_Hard

    mumbled "Does anyone want anything to be read...? "

    4 years agoReply

    I volunteer. I mean, well, if you want me to read your story...I will. Because I'm running out of stuff to read. And I can critique it, too...if you want me to. If you ARE asking for constructive critisism, though...be warned. I probably will write something half a page long (though, technically, I don't think that's even possible) and will be honest. Brutally honest. So, well?
    Katie Boo
    4 years ago
    You can read some of my movellas if you want... or just one.
    edvin damien
    4 years ago
    Me too, preferably Rebels what to do? and When the war came, there was no conflict....Thanks!
    Rohini N
    4 years ago
    Would you mind checking out any of my movellas? I would appreciate some constructive criticism.
  • Fell_Hard
    4 years agoReply
    It's good, the idea behind your plotline and the way you make your words flow. But you have to correct your punctuation in places (commas, capitalization)...that could make this story perfect. I'm sorry if I irritated you...
    How to Save a life
    How to Save a life
    6
    698
    14
    What happens with wounds that never truly heal? and all those scars on top of others that just wont let you breath? Is it possible to save someone you don´t really understand?
    Creativewriting
    4 years ago
    Thank you for your comment! I´ll look out for the punctuation! thank you very much!!! :D
Loading ...