MaleMember since 16 Mar 12Age 24Last online 5 years ago

My name is Michael, I'm a young writer and game designer from the UK.

I mainly write dramatic science fiction and fantasy, but I particularly enjoy reading comedy as well as typical 'geek' stuff.

I'm hoping to get involved with the community and to really work well with other writers: I'll try to give positive but honest feedback, and I hope to recieve the same in turn!

Thanks for visiting my page, and I'll hopefully see you around, perhaps!

  • Eventua
    5 years agoReply
    I will be adding this to my favorites: I look forward to seeing how it continues.
    Chronicles of The Damned
    Chronicles of The...
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    Short extract I wrote about a girl with a special affinity to darkness...
  • Eventua
    5 years agoReply
    Hmm... I like your creativity (mathematical equations to control physical forces? Intriguing), and the fact that the writing shows a degree of humour.

    However, there is one *huge* problem with the story: the spelling and grammer is bad. Really, *really* bad. I suggest you make use of a spell checker and read over what you write once or twice before you post it. I used to make the mistake of just posting stuff right away as well, but if you read over what you've written and don't rush it, that alone should be a massive help.
    Sange & Yasha
    Sange & Yasha
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    A story about secrets,courage,friendship and obviously a King
    mystify
    5 years ago
    should i continue
    ?
    mystify
    5 years ago
    should i continue
    ?
  • Eventua
    5 years agoReply
    I'm intrigued to see how this continues.
    The Om NoM Project
    The Om NoM Project
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    They have lived far too long in their black hole, waiting for their stock of meat to mature, to be ready. At last, it is finally time. (A work in progress. Thanks for your comments and patience!!)
  • Eventua
    5 years agoReply
    I really, *really* like this! It's very well written and is extremely engaging! I avidly look forward to the next chapter! :D
    Like Mother Like Daughter
    Like Mother Like...
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    This is my first piece I have published on movellas! It is about the repeating nature of our past. Let me no what you think :) I also entered it into the Picture Prompt competition and check it out! Tell...
    Livvy
    5 years ago
    hhahaha thank you! i'm not sure if i am continuing it though. :)
  • Eventua
    5 years agoReply
    Okay, first up: the positive.
    Your description regarding the viewpoint character is good, as is some of the description regarding the setting around her. Reading it, I get that she first feels this strong bond, and then the tenseness and stress from what's going on, and some of your descriptive language is brilliant, so excellent work on that front.

    However, now for the negative. On a minor note, your spelling and grammer could use a little work: it's not a total game-breaker, but it is distracting. The other negative point is that while some of your description is good, some of the rest is, well, not so good.

    For example, the line "His silhouette contrasted the black background with his darker aura" just seems, well, odd. How can his 'aura' be <i>darker than black</i>? Another bit is near the end when the narration states that "I was drenched in sweat from head to toe", which makes it sound like she's just been caught in a heavy monsoon and is literally dripping wet.

    Sooo... yes. That's my critique. I hope you will keep working on your description and spelling/grammer, but it's looking good overall!
    Chronicles of The Damned
    Chronicles of The...
    2
    731
    6
    Short extract I wrote about a girl with a special affinity to darkness...
    Jessie-Mae
    5 years ago
    I agree,I think the disagreements,are a little too thought through and specified,whereas I think the descriptions are a good use of imagination to really grab the reader EXCELLENT!
    Eventua
    5 years ago
    Odd, I seem to remember there being more spelling/grammer errors, but perhaps I misjudged. I was quite tired last night when I wrote this critique, so I apologize for being harsh, perhaps. I have now read the second chapter, by the way.

    I also understand that the first chapter is meant to be abstract: it's a vision/dream sequence, so of course it's abstract. That said, abstract is not quite the same thing as 'difficult to visualize': 'darker than black' is not a tangible idea or illustration because as far as we know *there isn't anything darker*. :/
    I also wonder if the first chapter/prologue dream sequence/vision might work better if it was located a bit later? As it is, it's a tad confusing and doesn't necessarily offer much reason to care about the main character, but if it was just *after* the chapter where we're introduced to the protagonist, that would definitely help.

    Regarding the new chapter, being able to see more of the protagonist is very enlightening: the main character you've created is quite interesting and I can see her viewpoint (as well as that of her relatives) quite well, so excellent work there.

    So, um, yes. That's my two cents/pennies, make of it what you will. Please understand, I'm not giving a critique to be rude or negative: I'm trying to be honest, pointing out areas where I personally would try to improve it. It's just my opinion, so do as you wish.
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