FemaleUnited KingdomMember since 20 Jan 15Age 18Last online 1 days ago

So I'm a strange person. For example, I own over 400 books which are all alphabetized and categorized and I still haven't gotten over Mordred's betrayal in Merlin. Also, I collect signed books -31 at the last count (cheeky wink) - and I read all types of books from biographies to fantasy and history to crime. I have read all Harry Potter books 9 times and lost count of the number of times I have read Cry of the Icemark. Finally, I have models of dragons hanging from my bedroom ceiling and if I had to be a mythical creature, I would be a Silvan elf.

Would also like to mention that I am a high functioning sociopath - medically. I have been diagnosed with high functioning Aspergers syndrome and a symptom of Aspergers syndrome is sociopathic tendencies. Sorry if I offend anyone. I really didn't mean to and was probably trying to help :)

  • Erenil
    3 weeks agoReply
    1 Like
    hey Steve! I've given some feedback on your Alice in Madness movella and I really like it, despite the many notes. I made some comments on Microsoft Word while i was reading it and pasted them into the comments but they didn't come out very well so sorry if it's hard to read. I hope you find my comments helpful :)
    Steven Will -Dream Walker
    1 Like
    I found your comments very helpful. :) P.S I am completely new to writing stories, so I'm bound to make many mistakes that will be fixed when pointed out, lol.
    Steven Will - Dream Walker
  • Erenil
    3 weeks agoReply
    1 Like
    Okay. Chapter 1: I first want to emphasise that, despite my many criticisms, I really like this story. You have a well thought out plot line and the family dynamic is really interesting. I want to know more about the family and the house they live in. However. You REALLY need to brush up on you grammar and sentence structure. There are a few points where you slip into present tense rather than past and your dialogue is not structured correctly. It often feels like you are using fancy words just for the sake of it and not because they are needed.

    Every now and then, you write a beautiful paragraph or sentence that really sums up the situation or characters emotions. However, the majority of your writing lacks feeling which is terrible for a piece written in the first person. It feels as though you are using your plot (however gripping and fantastic it may be) to drive the characters rather than using the characters to drive the plot. Always think about how Alice is feeling and reacting. When reading a piece in first person, I should be able to know the character as well as you do. At the moment, I feel like I don't know Alice very well at all. Try adding some backstory when you can. for example, when the family is talking about Alexander, add some memories Alice has about her brother.

    Overall, my advice is show don't tell. If Alice is putting on her shoes, focus on what she is thinking and feeling rather than the actual shoes. When the family is talking over breakfast, describe the taste of the food, the light in the kitchen, the feel of the table, rather than the conversation.

    I know that I'm being very critical but this is just a first draft and it looks very promising. What you have at the moment is a skeleton of a story. Now you just need to add the muscle to hold it together.

    As I was reading, I made some more specific notes of things that I really liked and things you might want to consider altering, which I will include below. I really do like the story and I look forward to seeing it develop.
    Alice In Madness Vol. 1 ( R+) ( Movellas Friendly Version)
    Alice In Madness...
    4
    825
    23
    This story is about main protagonist, Alice Anne Arlington. Alice had lived a completely normal everyday life until one day when things went wretchedly awry and a wretched series chain of traumatizing...
    Erenil
    3 weeks ago
    • ‘I was known as the best teacher’s pet.’ – get rid of ‘best’ it’s unneeded and feels too flowery for the character.

    • Too many commas. Try to use connecting words such as and or also. Alternatively, shorter sentences create a more brutal impression.

    • ‘lovely big fluffy fat cat’ – remember to use commas when listing adjectives. Also, too many adjectives. Restrict yourself to two or three.

    • ‘within the many knowledges of psychology’ – I think you mean areas of psychology. Knowledges of psychology doesn’t make sense.

    • ‘I had everything right until one day someone came and ruined everything and altered my life for the worst, forever.’ – there must be a better way to phrase this.

    • ‘My madness” – try capitalizing the m in madness

    • ‘That person had sent me into my realm of madness and once you’re in it…’ – either capitalise Madness or find another word for it. The use of madness so close together feels repetitive. If you capitalise Madness it makes it less of an adjective and more of a thing.

    • Don’t be afraid of the word said.

    • You use the words ‘questioned’ and ‘answered’ too frequently.

    • When writing dialogue, always remember to end with a comma and don’t capitalise the word she. For example
    “Well, good sweetie.” She said. – wrong
    “Well, good sweetie,” she said. – right

    • ‘I thought to myself in a pleasant tone.’ – you don’t think in tones.

    • Your description of her getting out of bed, getting dressed and going downstairs is very disjointed and has no emotion. It feels like how a five year old might tell you their morning routine. It gets better as it goes on, however. I particularly like the line, ‘I took a step inside the kitchen, the abundant fragrance of freshly brewed coffee met me as I entered.’

    • Use more senses and emotions when you write. What do her shoes feel like as she puts them on? Is her school uniform scratchy? What does she think about living in such a big house? What emotions or memories does the smell of coffee invoke?

    • ‘I equipped on my backpack’ – that is not what the word equipped means. Try instead: ‘I equipped myself with my backpack’ or ‘I shrugged on my backpack’

    • I like the dynamic that is immediately clear between the mother and father. You give so much information with that one line. This need to be applied throughout your work.

    • I love the description of breakfast

    • ‘“Mmm…. I certainly can’t wait to eat this!” I thought to myself in an anticipating tone.’ - As you are writing in the first person, you don’t need to say things like ‘I thought to myself in an anticipating tone.’ When you write in the first person, everything that is not dialogue is her thoughts. The description you made just before did the job perfectly.

    • Your description Alice of leaving the house with her father feels disjointed and unrealistic. I do not feel her fear when she doesn’t know where her father is.

    • I really like the last paragraph. Here you capture the terror perfectly and the cliff hanger leaves me wanting more.
    Steven Will -Dream Walker
    Thank you for your first review. :) I'll definitely take all of your advice into consideration. I'll be editing and improvising this chapter. ( I definitely will with all of my chapters).
    Steven Will - Dream Walker
  • Erenil
    1 months agoReply
    Hey :) I saw you liked my story Grey Eyes and I was wondering if you could give me some feedback?
    Grey EyesI think the idea of a story from the perspective of the villain is really interesting so I'm experimenting with a psychotic killer character. Please let...
  • Erenil

    mumbled "Feedback?"

    1 months agoReply
    1 Like
    So. I think the idea of a story from the perspective of the villain is really interesting so I'm experimenting with a psychotic killer character. Some feedback and constructive criticism would be much appreciated :)
    Grey EyesI think the idea of a story from the perspective of the villain is really interesting so I'm experimenting with a psychotic killer character. Please let...
    no1bestastrologer
    1 months ago
    <a href="sameersulemani.in/musliim-vashikaran-spe.. vashikaran speccialist</strong></a>
    Erenil
    1 months ago
    huh?
    Steven Will -Dream Walker
    1 Like
    I in particular like dark stories and I'll gladly give you're story a read and comment. :)
    Steven Will - Dream Walker
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