FemaleUnited KingdomMember since 4 Nov 12Age 16Last online 9 hours ago

☁ Ambassador ☁

✎ C.S. Lewis — 'You can never get a cup of tea large enough or a book long enough to suit me.'✎

☕️ Co-founder of Tea Enterprise and Administration ;) ☕️

♪ My real name isn't Enya Sanders, that's a start. My initials are the same, though. Enya is just my pen name ^_^. I guess you could say I'm a lot of things, butttt I'll let you make your opinion of me as you possibly get to know me better! ♪

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  • Enya Sanders☕️
    2 Likes
    Hey, hope this helps!

    Positive:
    1) You have a good vocabulary range, creates the atmosphere of the fighting sequence well
    2) The twist in the chapter helps set out the path of the story, it's very creative
    3) The rhetorical questions create a really nice sense of tension

    Critique:
    1) You use 'and' in place of commas a bit, which isn't very grammatically correct
    2) You use 'and' at the start of the ending sentence, which also isn't grammatically correct
    Great start though, loads of potential :D
    Lily Anna Nightshade
    Don't worry, I'm used to it, already aches most of the time. XD
    Well, you will make a great editor I'm sure. :) Could end up working with you one day. XD
    Enya Sanders☕️
    1 Like
    Oh dear XD and that'd be so fun XD
    Lily Anna Nightshade
    It would be fun. XD
  • Enya Sanders☕️
    Hey, you definitely have a compelling story here, hope these pointers help :)

    Positives:
    1) I like how the end of each chapter is like a little cliffhanger, adds to the panic of the situation
    2) This is an interesting take on the classic evil-thing-after-teenagers, think it's executed well
    3) The narrative's voice fits the brief nicely, never slips into being too formal

    CC:
    1) You use 'well' as a starter quite a bit, and I do this a lot in conversation, but it's a bit odd for the story
    2) I'd bold/highlight the online conversation, just to make it distinctive from the rest of the text
    3) The paragraphs are a bit too uniform, varying them will help make it more readable
    Viva se Potete
    Viva se Potete
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    I might change the genre, I'm not sure where this is going really. "Despite the amount of different stories told about this place, they all had the same, clear meaning - enter this school and you will...
    Louise McBear
    1 days ago
    Thank you! I was trying to make the voice more distinctive with the 'well's, but obviously that didn't work. XD
  • Enya Sanders☕️
    1 Like
    Hey, you have a great story here, was hard to fault!

    Positive:
    1) This is so cool, the storyline is really intriguing, one of the best fantasy stories I've seen on here
    2) You don't spend too much time on description, which allows for the story to never get dull!
    3) The sentence length differentiation is nicely done, helps it not be long-winded

    CC:
    1) I'd like some context at the start of the chapters, like if I were to leave the story and come back to it, I'd need to read back
    2) The font differs here and there, just needs a tweak of editing

    Definitely going to be joining the eager fan base xD
    When the World Falls to Darkness
    When the World Fal...
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    A kingdom at war, a web of truth and lies, a vicious game of friendship and betrayal, and a world that will kill you, whatever path you take. When the World Falls to Darkness, nobody is safe. ...
    DragonSoulJess
    1 days ago
    YAY!
    Thanks for the feedback, I'll edit accordingly tonight! :)
  • Enya Sanders☕️
    2 Likes
    This has some nice ideas in it, I'm sure it's going to pan out to be a great story :)

    Positives:

    1) The 'I'm dying' rhetoric seems to foreshadow the chapter well

    2) The language used is sophisticated, fits with the mature theme of the story

    3) Nice use of alliteration here and there, makes the reading easier

    CC:

    1) Really long sentences, can make reading difficult

    2) Is the whole story going to be her killing people who draw? Might lose the effect after awhile

    I'll be keeping an eye out for the next update!
    Vanity
    Vanity
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    No one knows what happens to them. Even she doesn't. She doesn't want their soft, warm flesh or their bubbling, ambitious little souls. She just wants their colours. She just needs their colours.
    Rhapsody
    1 days ago
    Thank you so much! That's really helpful and I really appreciate it. :)
  • Enya Sanders☕️
    This is so beautiful, gonna be hard to critique XD

    Positive:

    1) The structuring works really well, creates the effect the speaker is unstable and sad

    2) It's great that you didn't spell out what happened between the two, allows for interesting interpretation

    3) The last three lines are so emotive, they rounded off the poem nicely

    CC:

    1) The structure does get a bit hard to read after a while, so I'd maybe limit the amount of singled out words (like talk, gone, mind)

    2) The 'Hell you are' line threw me a bit, like it makes the poem angry when it's mostly just sad

    This has such a good chance in the competition though, best of luck! :)
    You.
    You.
    6
    97
    12
    So this is a poem I wrote back in January and have edited for the competition. I haven't really written in this style before so I'm not sure if it worked well or not, but I'd love to hear your opinion...
    Alice♫
    1 days ago
    Thank you so much! I really appreciate the feedback :)
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