FemaleUnited StatesMember since 11 Feb 14Age 33Last online 2 years ago

Eliza works as a software developer, when she must. She also sews, draws, dances, crochets, cooks, gardens, and cares for a small flock of spoiled chickens. She can usually be found at coffee shops, making unsolicited conversation with people who probably wanted to read their paper in peace and quiet.

  • ElizaWyatt
    2 years agoReply
    You asked for some CC, so... here are my thoughts.

    1. Beginning--

    Great start, almost Victorian in the 'recounting' frame and the after-the-facts promise.

    I do feel the first sentence and the first half of the second could be longer and more poetical-- something flowing and lovely to give the audience a few more sentences to empathize before it contrasts with the blunt jolt of the last few sentences (which are superb and gripping).

    2. Middle--

    Again, great introductory paragraph, excellent setting and setup. You have a gift for analogy and emotive narration. Really, the prose as a whole is lovely.

    One thing you can work on here, though-- we have a lot of memory and analogy and present day details mixed very EVENLY through the piece, and when something is mixed too smoothly the individual parts don't stand out well. It's a small thing-- but if everything is described in detail, you don't have a quick paced, spartan, dingy view of reality to contrast with the last lingering after-glow of memory, and that can move people.

    3. End--

    ... I hate to say it, but after the strength of the end of the middle, this paragraph undoes some of that emotional energy. You don't need to explain. You've already done the work with the narrative. My advice would be to take it off entirely... or perhaps replace the paragraph with the last six words. Those say everything you need.

    So! There's my thoughts. Lovely work, River!
    Microdeath
    Microdeath
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    It started with an epidemic. That became a pandemic. This is how the human race ended.
     River_Summers ☕️
    Thank you so much! That is all exceedingly helpful. I'll get round to reviewing something of yours tomorrow- anything you'd prefer?
  • ElizaWyatt
    2 years agoReply
    Alright, so you've put this in the 'Serious Authors' group, so I'm going to assume you want some hard feedback. I'll just put a few thoughts down, and if you're not horribly offended, I'll continue with the chapter? :)

    Intro and first scene (to the 'failed experiment' line):

    You have a narrator going on and on about how they hate humans. It doesn't come across as 'I hate humans', though. It comes across as 'I'm obsessed with them and I'm melodramatic, bitter, and immature'. If some goofy teenager was flirting with a boy in front of me, and I was irritated by it, I wouldn't be thinking about how sleek her hair is or noticing that her lips are pink. I'd be thinking, "The bimbo must have showered in perfume, and she padded her bra with tissue paper." Then I'd probably move somewhere else where I wouldn't need to see the mouth-breathers.

    When you're using a first person or third person limited POV, everything you describe is what your main character is seeing, hearing... or paying attention to. You use your choice in description to show the audience what is important to that character. Now, if you WANTED your protagonist to be hypocritically obsessed, you did a good job of it.

    As to Carlotta and Toby... I giggled when the main kicked Toby in the shins (though again, that tells me that the main is invested), but the dialogue and the interactions between them are so exaggerated that I have trouble believing it or following along. Tone them down, use less adverbs, try letting the actions carry the story. You don't need an analogy for every facial quirk, and it bogs down the pacing and turns up the melodrama.

    Setting-- it needs to come in sooner. I have no idea as to place until after Carlotta and Toby have moved on, and the context would help. You mention later down that it's a party, but that would have helped me a dozen paragraphs before when I imagined Carlotta flirting on, say, public transportation. (Which is what came to my mind initially for some reason.)

    So... let me know if you want more, and I'm sorry if that's too harsh.
    We are the Damned
    We are the Damned
    255
    24.6k
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    'We are the Damned, and we Damn you.' Meet Kear: Deadly, dangerous, and damned for all eternity to live in the Mantle, a Level of the world ablaze with fire and a spark of torture. Very few are ever...
    Le Fox
    2 years ago
    Oh, thank you! It is great to get such in-depth feedback, and I'll work on those points you mentioned as soon as possible! :)
  • ElizaWyatt

    mumbled "Looking to trade feedback? :)"

    2 years agoReply

    I'd love some feedback on the first 'chapter' of my new story Marlan Ice, and I'd be happy to pass along a tip or two in exchange! (It does have violence in it, so I rated it R just to be safe.)

    Marlan Ice Sequel to Painted. When assassins attack cursed immortal Gideon Flynn's wife, he must take her to the last place he ever wanted to go: back to icy, desola...
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