FemaleUnited KingdomMember since 10 Nov 12Last online 5 months ago

The writing I post here is just for fun and, for the most part, is completely unedited.

  • DysfunctionalDreamer
    I can't actually enter because I'm not back in the UK until after the deadline, but I'm still going to post my entry without entering it.
    DysfunctionalDreamer
    1 Like
    Haha, unfortunately I think my piece has morphed into something different to what they were hoping the entries would be. It's already 5 chapters long and only just starting!
    fictionbefourblood
    I know it says 'short piece' but it doesn't actually state a word limit so you might still be able to enter it? :) Best to check with @[Skye S] @[Sanguine] though!
    DysfunctionalDreamer
    1 Like
    Haha, I ended up entering it anyway so we'll see how it goes :D It's still in the first person.
  • DysfunctionalDreamer

    A question for writers...


    Just out of interest, how many writers here actually want to pursues writing as a career?

    Alex Catt
    4 years ago
    I would love to be a author, however I've got some back up plans in case it doesn't work out. But you never know... :)
    1DHarryStyles<3
    4 years ago
    I have been thinking and maybe want to be a journalist but my dad said that being in that type of business is a lot of work. Authors and writers don't get a lot of money so that won't be the greatest idea either. I would love to get my work published but do another job and keep writing on the sidelines. I really and honestly don't know yet!
    itsClearSkies
    4 years ago
    @1DHarryStyles<3 Authors and writers don't get paid according to just their work, but also as to how many books they sell. Journalism is a lot of work, and it's also highly competitive. There are a lot of stories to write about, however journalists are always fighting over who wrote the best article on the biggest stories at the time. Journalists don't get that well paid either, but that depends who they're working for and what level journalist they are.
  • DysfunctionalDreamer
    1 Like
    Hi S.R. Arora, you requested honest feedback from my thread. I hope this helps.

    I didn't really connect with your style of writing, to be honest. It felt rather rushed and I couldn't get a feel for your MC because it kept moving forward without much character-building. I think you should work on weaving your description into the story, as opposed to leaving big chunks of text. I think the sign of a great writer is that they're able to scatter tiny details into the action without the reader realising, but that the reader can still picture the world in their mind's eye.

    Anyway, I hope this helps. Keep writing :)
    Perfecteen
    Perfecteen
    21
    2488
    64
    She was Resolute. Ravishing. Rational. The object of- Every guy's fantasy. Every girl's jealousy. A perfectly average teenager, leading an extraordinarily perfect...
    sherrlockettes
    4 years ago
    Sure! Thank you so much for the CC, I'll keep this in mind. :)
  • DysfunctionalDreamer
    Hi there, you requested honest feedback from me so here it is. I type as I read, so you'll get my observations as they come, not after I've read the entire thing. For the record, I read half of the first chapter then skimmed to the end.

    The very first thing that struck me was your prologue. It's only short, but I feel like it's cheating. It's a way to set the story without building the world. I think, if you were to ditch it, you could easily insert it into the story in a much more skilful way.

    I like your first paragraph. It resonates with me because I remember those times in school. I loved reading, but not out loud, and especially not in front of people. I do think, though, that you would be better to show his emotions, rather than tell. Show us the lack of confidence, the twisting in the gut as he stands and the relief as he finishes. Let us feel it ourselves.

    I didn't find myself all that entranced by this chapter. it felt like this happened and then this happened and then this happened... My interest waned about half-way through. I know you need to set the story, but the internal monologue bored me. I think your beginning would be more interesting if something actually happened, and I worry that you've begun too early. I think it might be more effective to start at the exam, where you could build his character by describing the toll anxiety takes on his body, of how relaxed he feels when he shouldn't.

    Anyway, I hope this helps...
    Geimy
    Geimy
    5
    626
    10
    They know how to control the future. Any feedback would be gladly received for improvement :D I have only entered this for the mentoring session in the Young Movellist of the Year as my novel is too long...
    White Ravens
    4 years ago
    1 Like
    Thank you for taking the time to read this. To be honest I haven't edited much, so I will definitely take your opinions into the process. Thank you for your honest too as it's needed to become better
    DysfunctionalDreamer
    Good luck with your writing :) If I haven't scared you off and you ever want another opinion feel free to drop by.
  • DysfunctionalDreamer
    Hiya, me again.

    I like the article at the beginning, but I think you could tighten it up a little. It's currently just over 200 words, I think you could do it in 160. You'll find these snippets have the lowest number of words possible to convey the message so they don't take up valuable space or time. I also don't think most papers/programs etc would continue to cover the story. It's a suicide, it's done, and it'll be forgotten by all those apart from her family in no time. There's not a whole lot left for them to report on.

    A great little book for writers in The Elements of Style by William Strunk Jr. and E.B. White. One of the very first lessons it teaches is to cut all unnecessary words, I think it would help throughout the project so far. She strolls casually, is there any other way to stroll? In this instance I think stroll is strong enough to stand on its own. There's also a lot of description, and I find myself not really caring what she looks at. What do her cerulean eyes have to do with the story? It doesn't seem like she's going to be around long enough for it to matter. Why does it matter if her hands are feminine? I'd much rather see signs of inner turmoil and the occasional detail from the outside world pushing into her mind. I like the overall idea of the piece, but I think you could do with some revision. Is this going to be the same story from the view of various people? Because you've not really told us her side of the story at all. You've told us what happens, but without reason and emotion it only feels like half a story.

    Anyway, I hope this helps :)
    Trainspotting
    Trainspotting
    1
    778
    2
    There's always more than one side to every story.
    sL0riss
    4 years ago
    Thanks for the feedback, I'll have a look and do some more revision on it- I should probably practice making my writing more concise for school, so this would be a good chance for me to do so. I was intending on doing it from three more perspectives and then having the suicide note also and that will contain her reasons for committing suicide and her personal thoughts on her life :-) thank you for the feedback, I really appreciate it!
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