MaleUnited KingdomMember since 26 Jul 12Age 19Last online 3 years ago

Evening everyone
I'm a bit of nerd, especially on mythology and the like because fantasy is my favourite thing to write and read. I'm commonly told I'm a more than a little weird. I love reading and writing because I love how you can have your own take on a world within the pages.

I'm a bit of a Whovian and rather eccentric at times.

My favourite book is easily Muddle Earth - anyone who hasn't read it really should - though I like most fantasy, especially by Paul Stewart and Chris Riddell like Muddle Earth and the Edge Chronicles.

As can be seen from the profile pic I also love prehistory and dinosaurs etc. and so love any TV shows like Primeval though anything sci-fi or fantasy esque I'll watch too like Fringe or Supernatural - both epic.

I also think Winston Churchill is absolutely epic.
XD Like so;

You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life. ~ Winston Churchill ~

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter. ~ Winston Churchill ~

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. ~ Winston Churchill ~

We shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in France. We shall fight on the seas and oceans. We shall fight, with growing confidence and strength in the air. We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets. We shall fight in the hills. We shall never surrender. ~ Winston Churchill ~

  • Dinowizard
    4 years agoReply
    1 Like
    Nice, I like the idea and its interesting to see it written in present and third person as its usually first person when its in present. I like how you've made the pretty girl seem worse off but when actually everything is worse for Juliette - the not so pretty perfect girl. I also like how you have seen into each of their lives to show who they really are.
    However as I am a stickler for detail and a harsh critic I do have some improvements;
    - First off, primary doesn't need a capital and neither do secondary and reception
    - You have said 'as pretty Carla was' when I think it should be 'as pretty AS Carla was'
    - 'she always consider' doesn't make sense so I think a rewording of that would be most effective
    - Whenever I hear 'overall' it reminds me too much of a school project because it sounds too much like a conclusion - try 'in short' or something along those lines to make it sound less - erm... conclusion-y I suppose
    - 'your' isn't needed in 'your life at school' because the rest of the sentence doesn't really address the reader so it sounds a little iffy
    - Centre London should be 'the centre of London' and the centre doesn't have a capital
    - there is little description for example I don't really know what Carla looks like, what Juliette looks like besides that their teeth cross or don't cross. I don't really know what Carla's mother looks like or even the little things like the mug or what colour the uniform is could add to the piece and make it seem more immersive
    - 'in which' doesn't make sense and you've used it a few times - it should be just 'which' if you don't understand why I can explain
    + I do like the nice personification of the alarm clock which is different
    - '(and has posed for a while - mixture of pouting and smiling)' doesn't need the brackets and instead you should try and get it in the sentence as it would make it more interesting
    - 'also known as Valerie' makes it sound a bit like a fake name to me - try just putting Valerie in the dashes and get rid of 'also known as' which would mean you could also change the dashes for commas
    - you've misused commas every now and again
    - 'although its not that much of a deal' could be a new sentence because it just doesn't feel right incorporated into the sentence.
    - 'Juliette is the late sort-----------' Is the space after this and before the next sentence on purpose or an error?
    - 'in as much detail' sounds like you're about to go into a simile so I'd recommend something like 'writing as much detail as possible in the short amount of time'

    Besides that its pretty good. It might all sound like a lot but all it would take is a quick reading over and you should be able to make it much better! XD If you don't understand any of the stuff I've put or why I've put it just let me know and I can go over it happily XD
    The Girl
    The Girl
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    “I’d rather be dead right now.” Carla’s friend was always known as happy, chirpy and popular, and Carla always felt proud to be her friend. It’s changed. The girl’s disappeared; invisible. She’s...
    Rachael P
    4 years ago
    Thank you very much! I really appreciated criticism - thank you for giving the time to do this. I admit, I didn't go through it before putting it on Movellas (bad Rachy...), and, although with some of your points I prefer my version, I will be changing quite a few things! I don't know why I do random capital letters, to be honest with you, and I, too, have also found I use commas too much - it's automatic! Anyway, thank you so much! I haven't had such good criticism :)
    Dinowizard
    4 years ago
    You're most welcome and I am glad I could help XD look forward to reading what you have to say about my work
  • Dinowizard
    4 years agoReply
    Nice - I especially like the last three lines and I downright love the last line. Bravo I say for few folk could come up with one like that. It ends the poem with a bang.
    I can't think of any critique so well done.
    Crashed Route
    Crashed Route
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    Inspired by the school bus crashing today. Don't worry, no one was hurt!
    Rachael P
    4 years ago
    Thank you very much :) x
    Dinowizard
    4 years ago
    You're most welcome
  • Dinowizard

    mumbled "Rachy "

    4 years agoReply
    Hey there guys
    If you could check this lass out movellas.com/en/people/profile/201305112..
    it would be most appreciated. She's a great writer so enjoy!
    Rachael P
    3 years ago
    I'll read something that hasn't got as many comments as your other movellas have.
    Dinowizard
    3 years ago
    thanks, any criticism on any movellas would be welcome but like I say I'd really like some CC on The Chronicles of Theldar because that's a book I'm writing so the more opinions I can get, the better I can make it XD
    Rachael P
    3 years ago
    Okay. I'm sorry if I take a while - I haven't had much time to write my own novels for a while. I will read it, I promise :D
  • Dinowizard
    4 years agoReply
    1 Like
    Very nice, very nice indeed.
    I like the rhyming and the repetition of the 'I will'
    I will try and read your other movellas but the longer ones may take a while I'm afraid - out of the two books which would u rather me read?
    And could you please take a look at my movellas? I'd love some critique and be as harsh as you like because I prefer that to a lot of praise XD New or old I'd love comments on any of them, and in specific my book
    The Chronicles of TheldarEmber's life is simple, normal, nothing to boast about but she likes it. That is until one day her peaceful town is invaded by mysterious enemy forces...

    It isn't finished yet but I'm in the process of completing it
    If at all possible could you recommend me to your fans if you like my work please? I'll do the same for you XD
    Thanks in advance
    Slipping
    Slipping
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    For the 'Water, water, everywhere' competition.
    Dinowizard
    4 years ago
    Okay - I'll probably not be able to read 'The Girl' until tomorrow but I shall try to remember XD Thanks in advance for the read
    Rachael P
    4 years ago
    I don't mind how long you take. Thank you :) xx
    Rachael P
    4 years ago
    I'll have to read your story tomorrow - sorry :)
  • Dinowizard
    4 years agoReply
    I've only read the first one and as I am a rather harsh marker I have this to say; it needs a lot of work.
    Here is a list; you've slipped between tenses
    some words really, really don't fit with their predecessors like 'she made an evil look' it just doesn't work - trying reading through it as if for the first time
    spelling mistakes here and there like 'no' instead of 'know'
    punctuation is iffy cos you've used ellipses in the wrong places and exclamation marks where they're really not needed
    description is virtually none existent - there is very little imagery and next to now adjectives besides basic stuff like 'little' and stuff like that - my advice would be look for anything you can describe ad without going too over the top use a thesaurus to get hold of some better words
    speech doesn't flow properly and when you put 'he said' or similar after speech you use a comma to end the sentence in the speech marks and not a full stop
    short sentences are overused - especially in speech and as such it sounds robotic and doesn't sound real
    some sentences sound like an afterthought of the paragraph and some need restructuring
    some words have been mixed up because apparently the guy 'counts the skies along' not the clouds
    basically you need to sit down, read through it again as if you've never read it before and look for every possible imperfection - get others to read it like those u know not just on movellas - English teachers maybe?
    that's my view - sorry if its harsh but I believe in critique not praise
    Braxton Fables
    Braxton Fables
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    There are a lot of lessons out there in the world. And we must learn them all to be the best person we can be. Read stories from different people back then who went through so much to change their wicked...
    N.B.Cooper
    4 years ago
    Thank you I'll try better next time:)
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