FemaleUnited KingdomMember since 9 Jan 15Last online 2 years ago

You once said I'll never walk away
I'll never sail away, I'll never go

  • Chaotic.
    2 years agoReply
    Ooh, I might have to watch this tv show now. But just a quick psa, it's better if you move this movella to the 'film and tv' category :)
    " My babysitter's a vampire"
    " My babysitter's...
    4
    374
    7
    sarah is'nt a ordinary girl, or babysitter. she is a vampire. and her friends ethan, benny and rory must fight evil monsters, evil vampires and more. based of the hit tv series my babysitter's a vampire....
  • Chaotic.
    2 years agoReply
    Title: Am I A Sinner?
    Author: Chaotic.
    Colours: Dark colours - black, blue etc
    Quote: None
    Celebrities: None
    Can 'am I a' be in a smaller font than 'sinner'? Also, I need it to be sorta electricity based.
    Cover 2:
    Title: Am I A Saint?
    Author: Chaotic.
    Colours: Light colours - whites and creams and stuff
    Quote: The Sequel to Am I A Sinner?
    Celebrities: None
    Again, the same please :)
    Random Guy's Cover Store
    Random Guy's Cover...
    7
    279
    34
    Need a cover?? Me too! Just kidding, if you need a cover I can make one, or ....I can try!
    Jack Wordsmi⊥н
    Okay I'll start working on it!
  • Chaotic.
    2 years agoReply
    Hi, I don't mean to sound rude but do you think you could change your movella genre from Romance to 5 Seconds of Summer Fanfiction. (I was going through the romance genre and I noticed that this story shouldn't be there. Also, if you do have it in the 5SOS fanfiction section, it's more likely to be read by fans)
    Anything Is Possible
    Anything Is Possib...
    5
    61
    3
    Lia is a 15 year old girl who's father died when she was 4 and she only has 1 really good friend and no one else. Her and her mom were close but she was scared to tell her what goes on in her life...like...
    Lia_Clifford_5sos
    Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize that!! Lol
    Lia_Clifford_5sos
    But defiantly
  • Chaotic.
    2 years agoReply
    1 Like
    Awh, that was very adorable. I couldn't find any story faults so all my CC is pretty much typos.
    - You should remove the word 'really' in the sentence 'St Louis summer weather...' - it seems too informal to add as your story is in 3rd person.
    - Also, this sentence doesn't flow. Instead of '...made this evening even more nerve-wrecking to him.' try '...this evening was even more nerve-raking to him. (Nerve-wrecking isn't a word. Nerve-racking is. Or nerve-wracking - depending on where you're from. It's spelt with an a not an e.)
    - You've wrote 'Danny's eyed her up and down.' instead of 'Danny eyed her up and down.
    - Instead of 'a few hours later' - just leave a gap. I find those look more profession - although, it's just my opinion.
    - Typo in the sentence '...most of the artwork that was here and already...' - you've used and instead of had.
    But, wow, that really was wonderful - I enjoyed reading it :D
    7/11
    7/11
    15
    462
    10
    "I don't think I could handle something happening to you." - - - Gwen would always remember July 11th as the day he left her, but what happens when he is in danger and returns back in her life? [For...
    Black China
    2 years ago
    Thank you for the CC! I have edited the mistakes you've pointed out to me.
  • Chaotic.
    2 years agoReply
    I like this - it's a fun story to read and I love reading stories from the point of view of antagonistic characters.
    Here's your CC:
    - Even though your opening paragraph subtly gives us an image of Alex's appearance, it isn't needed. The first part is unnecessary and starting the chapter with 'I was unceremoniously shoved' would work better. It's a much better opener.
    - 'A short, tan, black haired man emerged...' - I would've said 'tanned'
    - '...gripped on either side by a cross guard." - seeing as you've already used cross to describe the guard next to Alex, I wouldn't recommend using it here. You could say that they were wearing similar expressions as Alex's own guard.
    - '...slammed the VAN'S doors shut...' - you've forgotten the apostrophe.
    - Why are the telling Alex and Glitch to pipe down? They haven't said anything yet.
    - Oh, the kicking. Right, you need to start a new sentence after 'van's doors shut.'
    - You've first said that Glitch has black hair and then you said he has brown hair.
    - Also, the sentence were she describes Glitch's appearance in detail - you've wrote it sorta in note form. They're not full sentences even though they should be.
    - How can eyes be clear but muddy? It contradicts!
    - After '...put you in confine...' start a new sentence.
    - Also, how do you whisper shout? How is that even a thing?
    - It should be Glitch's not 'Glitches.
    - I feel like hurriedly ripped don't go along together - it disrupts the flow.
    - Start a new sentence after 'in my back pocket for safekeeping.' Also, again, it should be van's.
    - After 'pulled myself on top of the van...' use a '-' (I can't remember the name for it).
    - You need to reword this sentence - 'I was now in the passenger seat.....a hold on his pistol.'
    - You don't need a comma after 'on' in the sentence '...pushed the guard I was sitting on, out,'
    - It's guard's not guards.
    - '...very rudely SHOVED him out.'
    - 'yanking' gives the impression that she pulled the steering wheel off.
    - '... but other THAN that, I, Alex, have...' - you used 'then' and you needed a comma after I
    - 'Score one in the brave...' - this sentence would have better effect as a one sentence paragraph.
    - '...going around to the back of the van to open the doors.' instead of '...going around to the back of the van I opened the doors.'
    - Start a new sentence after 'It's over now.'
    - 'If it weren't for me...' would work better as what you've wrote currently seems too formal for Alex.
    I hope I wasn't too harsh :/
    Innocent
    Innocent
    3
    56
    4
    Hello, I'm Katherine Alex Rider. Yep, thats the usual response I get. I was convicted for killing a cop, and without a trial I was promptly thrown in jail, my execution is set for next week. The thing...
    Find_your_happy_place
    Nope, lol, I will start on this soon! Thanks!
    Chaotic.
    2 years ago
    No problem :D
    Glad I helped.
    Find_your_happy_place
    @[Chaotic.]

    1. I do want the reader to get that this is a prison transfer, and I want them to know what I look like. Any suggestions on putting both of those in there?

    2. I kinda wanted them to be single observations, like a pause between each one. Any suggestions?

    3. Well you know how when you're painting and you put a brush full of paint into the clear water and before they mix, the paint swirls through the water?

    4. Yep, you know when your supposed to whisper but your friend is across the room?

    5. Hmm... How else would you write the "Hurriedly Ripped" part? Suggestions?

Loading ...