FemaleCanadaMember since 27 Jun 16Age 19Last online 1 years ago

Every Sunday I will post: a new chapter of Opening Night; a new chapter of The Grammar Guide; and a brand new piece whether that be a poem or short story. Follow me for updates!

  • Overcoming
    Overcoming
    1
    363
    1
    by CEMO
  • Opening Night
    Opening Night
    13
    2103
    4
    by CEMO
  • The Grammar Guide
    The Grammar Guide
    2
    1302
    0
    by CEMO
  • As We All Are
    As We All Are
    4
    515
    3
    by CEMO
  • CEMO
    1 years agoReply
    Omg I love the show too! As for the second season, I think they could do it well enough in eight episodes. I sort of like how not everything is explained, because it leaves you asking questions. Can't wait for the next season!
CEMOCan't wait for the next post!
1 years ago
  • CEMO
    1 years agoReply
    Wow, really glad I read this. It's so good :)
    The Boy Mirror
    The Boy Mirror
    7
    644
    16
    This is what happens when the English teacher tells us to write a story about an audience member in the Globe Theatre.
  • CEMO
    1 years agoReply
    1 Like
    How I usually do my reviews is with a section of what worked, what could be improved, and my overall impression. It will be on the first chapter.

    What worked: I'm actually interested in reading more of this. Ben is a witty protagonist and there seems to Sebastian than meets the eye. Overall your writing was pretty good.

    What could be improved: I didn't like how the story began. I'd rather not know that Sebastian ends up in an accident until the end of the chapter. Since I already knew, the ending didn't have as much of a punch as it could have. Furthermore, making it a surprise would remove the need to info-dump at the beginning, and would give the beginning a more linear timeline. I understand that you're trying to hook the reader by telling them what happens right off the bat, but you can do that in a more concise way.

    Your grammar was okay, although your use of hyphens and what looked like a mix of en/em dashes, was incorrect. Use hyphens to join words into a singular element. Use em-dashes to split clauses, without spaces on either side.

    Lastly, I found your writing style too wordy. You had a surplus of words like "very", "sort of", and "kind of" that you could remove. It's true that this is how people talk, but in writing it sounds jumbled and is difficult to follow. Try to make every word count; if a word doesn't add extra meaning to the sentence, chuck it.

    Overall Impression: I thought it was a good start, but with a bit of structural editing it could have been a great start. I'm excited to read more and see what happens to Sebastian. Happy writing!
    Whisper
    Whisper
    95
    20.4k
    380
    //He had a smile on his face like the climax of a novel, and his kisses were the chorus to a treasured favourite song.\\ Benedict has lived six months in a ragged half existence, torn apart after his...
    Mirlotta
    1 years ago
    Thanks very much for your feedback! Just one question- I'm not sure what em or en dashes are, so would you mind explaining? :)
    CEMO
    1 years ago
    1 Like
    No problem. I wrote an article explaining it on another writing website called Figment. I don't think you need an account to view it, so here is the link: http://figment.com/books/925719-The-Gram..

    It's chapter 6
    Mirlotta
    1 years ago
    Thanks!
  • CEMO

    mumbled "Free Reviews"

    1 years agoReply
    I'll give reviews of stories to anyone that wants them.
    Mirlotta
    1 years ago
    Please could you review my movella Whisper? It's quite long, so don't review all of it unless you feel up to it. Thanks <3
    Whisper//He had a smile on his face like the climax of a novel, and his kisses were the chorus to a treasured favourite song.\\ Benedict has lived six months...
    ➳FollowYourArrow ♥
    Dude, you could always read something of mine ;)
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