FemaleUnited KingdomMember since 24 Jan 15Age 16Last online 2 years ago
Honestly, I am a very boring person, who for some reason enjoys reading and telling others how to improve, because I am apparently very sad.
My friends Alice, Lea, Brooke and Trisha also will be joining, as part of 'an online reading and feedback project' in English, where five groups of five go on different writing sites and either give reviews or write, and report back with a presentation after a month.
So, yeah.
That's me.
Bye!
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I love this idea! It is original, and the narrator's personality is brilliant! Your imagery is beautiful, and I personally LOVE your writing style.
You have a very extensive vocabulary, and it really shows how much time and care you put into your work.
There are very few (okay, one) flaws I could find with this, and this is it:
The names. Personally, I find that they are rather odd. Sorianne, I think, is fine, but I find Haydrienne just doesn't really work. These aren't common names, especially when Haydrienne is compared to her dead sister, Isabelle.
I'd say maybe consider making Haydrienne's name a little bit more common, though obviously it's really just up to you.
Update soon!plunder."When I get old," drawled Sorianne slowly, flicking her smile across the table, "I'm going to be richer than my daddy is now. And I don't care if I have to lie, or steal, or plunder my way through life...3 years agoThank you very much for your feedback! :) I'll consider rethinking Haydrienne's name - do you have any suggestions? :D
- This is fantastic! The way that you are narrating it is original, by someone telling it to their grandchildren (?), as I haven't seen it done before, and you have pulled it off very nicely.
However, there are a few grammar issues, mostly to do with dialogue.
Generally, your grammar is very good, but the dialogue - and I apologise if this sounds incredibly harsh - really lets you down.
After dialogue, when there is a tag, it is required that you end the dialogue with a comma (,) an exclamation mark (!) or a question mark (?), and which of these three obviously is due to how it is said. Then, after the dialogue unless it is a name or something which always has to be capitalised, you need a lowercase letter.
Actions after dialogue are the opposite. You can still use question marks (?) and exclamation marks (!), but instead of a comma it must be a full stop/period (.) and the next word must be a capital letter.
Overall, this is a good idea, but your grammar in dialogue does let you down.
However, I did enjoy reading this, and hope to read more soon!Solonistic Love“Zachary and I lived in a harsh world. After the Time War II, everything was different. You see, Ireland did not change a lot for a long time. The country stayed out or the first Time War, but when they...
mumbled "Mass Movellas Project"
So, as some of you may already know, me and four of my friends @[Brooke Brighton] @[Lia Brocker] @[Alice.Clark.Son] and @[Trisha Rose] are doing a project for English. The project idea is about young writing platforms, and to learn and experience one in a group.
We are in five groups of five, and our group has been given movellas.
The basic aim of the project is that we will have two people who review writing, one person who writes stories/novels, one who writes poetry, and one who makes covers/banners etc. for members of the site.
We would like to ask some of you to perhaps promote this project with the hashtag #massmovellasproject
We hope to meet you all and forge relationships.
Thank you!
Lia, Brooke, Trisha, Alice and Christine
XxX3 years agoHi!
I'll promote it if you like. I'd also suggest for you to speak to @[GeorgiaT] , the community manager.
- Okay, rest of review:
Basically, the story is beginning to make more sense, and I love all the characters: Kasey, Aareia, Carlotta, all of them (although, I am a tad confused about Layla).
Your similes and such behind to fall in frequency, so check that out, but all in all this is great, and I hope to read more soon after that cliff hanger ending!We are the Damned'We are the Damned, and we Damn you.' Meet Kear: Deadly, dangerous, and damned for all eternity to live in the Mantle, a Level of the world ablaze with fire and a spark of torture. Very few are ever...
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