FemaleUnited KingdomMember since 8 Mar 15Last online 2 years ago

  • Carrieo Constance

    mumbled "BLURB"

    1 Like
    HERE IS THE BLURB OF MY STORY THAT I AM WRITING:

    Elisia MacDonald’s new house is old. Old and boring and really rather creaky. It sits in the middle of an ancient street of beige cubes, and every single one of her neighbours is just as boring as their houses demand.

    At the end of the street, there is another house. No one ever goes in, and no one ever goes out, and it is painted a bright red colour which occasionally hurts passers-by’s eyes. They say that people have always lived there, despite the apparent shortage of electricity or social skills, but no one has ever seen more than a silhouette on a hot July day.


    WHAT DO YOU THINK?
    Carrieo Constance
    Thank you! :)

    It should be published soon!
    Victoria Raven
    2 years ago
    Sounds nice!

    If only it WAS July....
    Le Fox
    2 years ago
    :)

    :)

    :)

    I, too, wish it was July...
  • Carrieo Constance
    1 Like
    Since this appears to be so immensely popular, I thought this should be the first of my reviews on the site, and I must say, I did find quite a few things that I feel I ought to mention to you.

    1- In chapter two, you wrote 'mess hell' when I think it should be 'mess hall'. Just remember that you need to go through and always check over things, because even tiny typos like that can put people off reading.

    2- This is more a sort of personal preference, but I think your writing style is a little bit too informal. Sometimes, it feels a bit like the narrator doesn't care about the story they're telling, and its rather offhand.

    3- I believe someone has already mentioned this, yet you haven't acted upon it, but the names of Haydrienne and her sister, Isabelle, just really do not go well together. I feel you have tried a little too hard to make Haydrienne seem... I don't even know, different, maybe? Basically, consider changing the name to something more suitable.

    Also, all the names seem a bit weird in my opinion, and they also feel way to girly for people in a centre for wayward girls.

    4- I'm rather confused. There had been no more mention of why she killed her sister, even for chapters in , and it feels like you've kind of forgotten about her, and only used Isabelle as an intriguing way to start the story, which is not what the main character's dead sister is really supposed to be used for.

    5- They've not sworn at all. It's very unrealistic.


    All in all, I think that there could have been a little more work gone into it, and also make a little less, as I feel you've just gone way overboard with everything, and forgotten more important details, downgrading it slightly.

    Keep writing, though, I'm sure you can improve, and hopefully take at least one of my points into consideration.! :)
    plunder.
    plunder.
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    "When I get old," drawled Sorianne slowly, flicking her smile across the table, "I'm going to be richer than my daddy is now. And I don't care if I have to lie, or steal, or plunder my way through life...
    Carrieo Constance
    1 Like
    It's just, when I read those names, like 'Joan' and Meela etc. I immediately thought of a very girly girl, or the kind of person who would be sewing a pink floral dress.
    Mirlotta
    2 years ago
    1 Like
    Oh right, okay. :)
    Riley.__.bug
    6 months ago
    Hmm. Not wat I expected...
  • Carrieo Constance

    mumbled "HELLO"

    1 Like
    *waves like a lunatic*

    Hi there, people of Movellas! I am Carrieo Constance, and I have just joined this site, in the hopes that I will read a lot of amazing stories, and maybe even get around to writing my own. I love Sherlock, Harry Potter, The Hobbit, The Hunger Games, Divergent, Uglies, Doctor Who, The Selection, as well as a whole host of other awesome things. (I am a massive Fangirl, in case you haven't noticed.)

    So, anyway, hi!!!
    Victoria Raven
    2 years ago
    XD

    Hey there, Eva!
    Le Fox
    2 years ago
    Hi, Vicky! :)
    Victoria Raven
    2 years ago
    Sooo......man I want sugar....but I'm trying to cut down.....AARRGH!!!
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