Member since 7 Feb 12Age 24Last online 6 years ago

  • Bohemond
    6 years agoReply
    Hi Phoenix,

    I think this is a lovely poem which captures your sense of captivity at being stuck in boarding school very well! It is emotional and raw, which is quite good. I therefore really enjoyed reading this.
    However, I have one tiny bit of advice: your repetition and diction is not always as powerful as it can be. Maybe try, (you don't have to, it's only advice) to change "I was snared / Snared and lured in" to "Snared and Lured / Now I'm trapped", therefore avoiding the useless repetition of snared, which you use twice. If you want to use repetition, then use one word dozens of times, not twice. Furthermore, the same applies to "Spellbound / I am bound here"
    You probably get what I mean, but don't worry too much, this is a lovely poem and I liked it.
    If you have time, would you care to check my work out as well? You might like some of it, it can be quite saddening and despairing at times, very raw and short.
    Spellbound
    Spellbound
    2
    943
    4
    Boarding school isn't like Harry Potter.
    Phoenix Saward
    6 years ago
    Thank you for taking the time to read this! I'm not happy with the repetition either but wanted to share it anyway :)
    Bohemond
    6 years ago
    Well of course you should share it! I enjoyed reading it a lot. :)
    Phoenix Saward
    6 years ago
    Thank you! :)
  • Bohemond
    6 years agoReply
    Hey, just read your story!

    Your diction is great, you know how to use good and intelligent words at the right places.
    The message of your story is great, and the conveyance of it very well done through your storyline.
    Only thing I would not agree with is the fact that you switch the point of view in the last paragraph. Either keep it third person, or maybe make it more personal and touching, and do the whole story in the first person. That might give you some more room to play with the boy's emotions as well!
    A Free Man
    A Free Man
    13
    1900
    25
    A boy reflects on how love has shaped his life as the person he is today.
    Bohemond
    6 years ago
    Thank you for your lovely compliment! Keep writing!
  • Bohemond
    6 years agoReply
    I second Whitman's comment, he's got it right here. This story has a lot of potential, and I think if you tried to make some changes, this would be quite good.

    If you make your narrator a bit fickle and dull, do it properly, and make her lose at the end of the game, make sure that neither Logan nor Lucas want her in the end, turning this into a nice moral tale.
    Or you can choose to make your narrator lovely and nice, except maybe a bit doubting, unsure about herself, in which case the reader is more likely to like her. From that point, you can either make it a happy ending, or still do a sad ending, which will surely create a lot of sympathy for the narrator from the reader. Either way, if you characterise, do it properly and make sure that the reader's feelings towards your character are not ambivalent.

    Overall, well done, I hope you do well in the competition!
    First Day In Forever
    First Day In Forev...
    39
    3783
    108
    Amy has always dreamt of being prom queen, but not being part of the popular group hasn’t helped her. Neither has not being able to get a date, when she really wants Lucas, her crush, to ask her. When...
    CiaraNewYork
    6 years ago
    Honestly, I'd be inclined to agree with you, and when I get around to attempting to build onto the story a bit, that would probably be the path I'd go down :D So, are we looking at the shy, girl-next-door type maybe? Or do you have any other suggestions?
    Bohemond
    6 years ago
    Alright, thanks a lot!

    Yeah, sure, I'd say you should go with the 'shy-girl-next-door' type then. You can then (in my opinion) go two ways again: either let it be a lovely love story with a happy ending (but many struggles on the way), or let one/two of the guys involved in your story turn out as evil antagonists, whom your heroine thinks are wonderful, until she finds out that they are horrible, by which time it is of course too late.
    CiaraNewYork
    6 years ago
    If I went for option one, what kinds of struggles could she face? In the above story, I've tried to give her struggles, but then again, they're not exactly girl-next-door struggles!
  • Bohemond
    6 years agoReply
    This is a wonderful story, I like it quite a lot! I love the structure, the continual switch between dream and reality, combined with the almost fantasia-like portrayal of reality, which makes it seem as if the two are one in this story! Wonderful, well done!
    Flashback
    Flashback
    4
    263
    23
    About a naive girl separated from her father. She get's lost in a forest, and is soon found by a mysterious stranger...
    wildcatfreak
    6 years ago
    Hahaha. Thank you! It really means a lot. That's quite an interesting point actually, as I tried to mix dreams with reality, as if the main character foreshadows later events? I'm glad you liked it.
  • Bohemond
    6 years agoReply
    Thank you for your lovely compliment Daisy!
    I am happy that you appreciated my poem and that you understand the concept of the 'mysteriousness of the stranger', which is of course the central theme of this poem. Thanks!
    The Girl on the Corner of the Lane
    The Girl on the...
    2
    161
    2
    What would you do if you could only look at someone whom you knew could never be with you?
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