MaleAustraliaMember since 13 Mar 14Last online 2 years ago

Melbourne-based author.
Winner of 2014 Sony Young Movellist Australia.

Twitter: @benkarwan

  • Ben Karwan
    3 years agoReply
    As mentioned in other comments, watch the tense change. Also make sure you're using relative and subordinate clauses in the appropriate places (that boy who... Not that boy that)

    Also, my main issue is that this opening is very cliche. I already feel like I know exactly where this story is going.
    I hope you have a surprising twist, but just be aware that 'girl meets bad boy and literally falls over him' is about as cliche as it gets.
    I Won't Forget
    I Won't Forget
    46
    1699
    47
    I look at him, his blue eyes, his brown hair. Claire has that. He smiles at me, a little smirk, enough to make me want to run back into his arms again. Enough to make me want to put behind all our conflicts...
    littlemiss111
    3 years ago
    I do have a lot more to my plot than just that, mind you, this chapter is entitled the past, and there is a present part of my plot too. �� I also have begun fixing the tense change and I will look at the other things you mentioned. Thanks for the CC!
  • Ben Karwan
    3 years agoReply
    -Tense confusion. You switch between past and present tense continually, seemingly at random.
    -Some wordy sentences ('the source coming from being ticked by her dad' for example)
    -Check your punctuation—some misused commas and semicolons in particular.
    -I don't really understand the connection between the scenes in the first chapter. Is it a memory?
    -In the second chapter, is '6 years earlier' prior to the stream-of-consciousness scene or the scene with the family?
    -The scene with the doctor feels kind of rushed.
    -Be careful of overwriting the descriptions, particularly of personal appearances.
    -Perhaps try and find a way of signposting passing time without explicitly stating "three days later"
    -Larxene is perhaps a little too cynical towards her teacher.
    Paranoia
    Paranoia
    7
    952
    8
    My name is Larxene, and I am an orphan. You want to know more? Oh don't pry. Don't say I didn't warn you..
  • Ben Karwan
    3 years agoReply
    This reads a little like a prologue—It that how it's intended?
    It's difficult to offer too much feedback on this, given the shortness of the piece.

    There's no requirement for chronological narrative, but be aware that many, many questions are begged in this first excerpt. Why is the Illusion so bad? What did Galablaster do to end up in it? How does he know he's in it?

    It's well written (though I'm not sure 'openminded' is the right word), and I'd like to read more.
    Illusion
    Illusion
    5
    466
    7
    *JuneChallenge Contest Entry. Cover by Isabel Fillippone* A teenager living in a dystopian society is locked inside the prison cell, Illusion, for speaking his mind. ©2014
    Artemis J. Potter
    I had a 250 word limit for it, but I can edit it sooner than later since the contest is over :) Thanks for the review!
  • Ben Karwan
    3 years agoReply
    This story is very fast-paced. I got a little lost on what was happening. I feel like you tried to cram too much information into too small a space. Maybe slow it down a little, and try and expand on the world you're building and how the characters relate to each other.
    Admittedly, I don't know a lot about the fantasy genre, so I'm afraid I can't be much help. I do think you write well, and I wish you all the best with your work.
    The Price for Honour
    The Price for Hono...
    1
    613
    4
    Prince Kailì's county is under siege from the neighbouring nation of Terrahgonia. Their queen threatens to destroy their capital city and slay all those of their great house. One night, the young prince...
    W Mufunde
    3 years ago
    Thanks for the comment. I'm not sure I would consider it fast paced but I agree that some further world building on the country of Kratul would make the story better. Perhaps what you meant was how the very beginning linked in with the next section? One moment he's looking at fire and desolation, the next moment, he's arguing with his father.
    As for building on how my characters relate to one another, I thought that was evidently clear. The young prince does not get along with his father, and his country in turn does not get along with the other country that has declared war.
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