FemaleUnited KingdomMember since 11 Mar 15Last online 2 years ago

  • Alleyne Eryn
    Hi, I'm doing a chapter by chapter CC!

    One-
    We Are The Damned

    CC

    'The image of that day still haunts me, plaguing my nightmares relentlessly, as though I can never forget, or else something terrible will happen. I can’t forget.'

    The last sentence 'I can't forget' sounds a bit repetitive, so I'd consider editing that out.

    'The girl sneers at her, once again wrapping her arms around the boy, crushing against him. “He loves me, now, Rachel” she snarls, eyes narrowing to slits as she prepares to pounce'

    Firstly, you do not need a comma before 'now', however you do need one after 'Rachel'. Also, you need a full stop after 'pounce'.


    'Motioning to a scarily threatening Aisla, who has only just ended the pain she has put Rachel through. I exit the room with her in tow, mulling over what I’m going to say. “I’m so glad you’re here, Aisla!” No, that’s not right. “I thought you were dead!” Maybe not. “Where did you go?” I don’t think she’d really appreciate that, to be honest.'

    Comma, not a full stop, is needed between 'through' and 'I exit'.


    '"Duty calls?" I explode...' The 'explosion' is rather sudden. I think maybe you should have a little more dialogue before this part.


    '“No, Kear,” she says softly, sounding scarily calm in the face of threat. Before she left, Aisla was always the kind of girl to fly up in a rage, just like me. It scares me to see how she has changed. “Rather, I have come...'


    The word 'scary' and its variations seems slightly overused in this, so I think you should use a synonym there.

    'I shouldn’t say this, for it would place rather a large dent in her repuation, but I swear Laorei is laughing behind me.
    It's rather disconcerting to know, that even our proud leader, the great Leveller Laorei herself, finds so many sources of hilarity in even the most trivial of matters, when she should be showing us the way to a brighter future for all of the Firepits, the way to worm our way up and annihilate the Vapours with our wicked wrath.'

    You missed out a 't' in 'reputation'.

    Overall, I like it! Reading chapter two ASAP!
    We are the Damned
    We are the Damned
    255
    24.9k
    791
    'We are the Damned, and we Damn you.' Meet Kear: Deadly, dangerous, and damned for all eternity to live in the Mantle, a Level of the world ablaze with fire and a spark of torture. Very few are ever...
    Le Fox
    2 years ago
    Thanks, I'll change those ASAP!
Loading ...