Thoughts

This is really just a place for me to get my feelings out. I'm probably not going to publish it.

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July 30th, 7:25 PM- Start

He thought I was a lesbian so he went on with his life. 8th grade we had PE and History together. I dropped PE and became a library aid for the whole year so i didnt really see him. We talked for a little bit at the beginning of the school year and I developed a big crush on him. For like a month because he just got a girlfriend. We stopped talking because 8th grade was starting to get really rough for me, especially in History. I was going through a lot of stuff and he just dropped off of the face of the earth. Around Christmas i was feeling better and I heard he was single so i messaged him on instagram and we started talking non stop. This crush i had on him just became bigger and bigger and I couldnt really handle it. I had to though. He had a new girlfriend. Named Blake. Who’s a bitch. Flash forward to March, I was getting tired of waiting because he was flirting with me and it was getting rough for me and I couldnt really handle just being friends. I told him how i felt. Twice. He just ignored it basically. The heartbreak started up. He had played with my feelings. It felt awkward because we were best friends and im confused about literally everything in my life. His girlfriend broke up with him. He played with my feelings again. I got mad. I almost punched him in the face and he knew i was mad. He never asked why. It made me feel unloved and unwanted and uncared for. I stopped caring about him. I tried to get over it. I slowly did and eventually i stitched my heart back together like every crush thats happened. We started talking again. We had these really weird conversations about masturbation and nudes and shit like that, and we were best friends again. It felt great. I never tell anyone the whole story about me, but he knows most of it. He knows the most about me out of everyone. He started liking me. I started liking him again. We ‘dated’ but werent dating because it wasnt official and we didnt want to start anything because I get scared and overwhelmed in relationships. Like a pendulum. You pull it back, entering the relationship, you let go, my stress, the ball hits the others which it me breaking up. I broke up with him because he said he was turned on by me and none of his other girlfriends made him feel that way. I was scared. I felt pressured even though I didnt do anything. Im not interested in having sex or sending nudes to guys because that isnt appropriate and im just not really into guys. I want relationships with guys but I dont want sex with guys but i also do but im pretty sure its hormones. I couldnt do it. I felt like i was going to fast. Three days later he left for Canada. For two weeks. No contact. That was a few weeks ago. We havent talked much. I would like to say that was my first heartbreak, but my heart was shattered before then. It was shatter by someone, whos name I dont think I need to say. Its painful, but I still care about him.

July 30th, 7:47 PM- End.

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