Part-Time Writer Dairy

Just my life writing about things I can't say out loud and thinking my way through problems

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8. Entry 8

July 17, 2018

 

So I am not sure where to being with this. I have been having not the best day in the world, but one day. It could have been better had I been apart of my younger sisters birthday. And it hit me very hard this evening how so little people even know I am here. I have a few friends, none where I am though. I just feel lonely today. Like I need a hug and a friend or someone I am really close with to come up and give me a hug and tell me 'even if the world feels like its taking a shit on you right now, remember that someone always cares for you.' I just need someone to tell me that today. To sit me down and have me tell then everything in my life upset me. From my younger sister getting the princess treatment when I can hardly have a conversation on my birthday. Not from the lack of trying. Just the lack of time, it would seem. To realize that I have nobody here. Nobody to pull me back from the edge of the cliff when I get too close to it. It gets lonely here without someone. Without a friend, or without someone that loves me. I don't like being here. Here as in the place, I am and here as in where my head is at. I have been knocking on death's door all day wondering if he was home. Here in Colorado, I hate it here. I want to go home. Here is not home. Here is filled with loud cars at all hours, people not knowing others, here isn't where I belong. And with the knocking on death's door. I know this is going to sound crazy but trust me it is how I think. Sometimes I go a couple hours thinking that I want the world to kill me. That I just can't live anymore. And then I snap out of it and get back into life again. But today, I woke up and felt like crap. I walked around the whole damn day and felt like the whole world just took a shit on me. I have spent the whole day thinking about what it would be like without me in it to bring people down. I wonder if others have days like that. Surely that can't be a normal thing? I spent the whole day trying to tell myself that I was fine. And here I am finished crying for almost an hour. Today has been hard on me mentally and I just don't have a better way of getting my thoughts out. 

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