Confessions of a Private School Girl Entering the Real World

A diary of a private school girl's first year in the real world with real people. It's a wreck, let me just say that now, a complete and utter mess.

Contains sex, love, drugs and all things in between. Warning some people may get triggered.

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9. 13th July 2018 - 15 July 2018

I know I am so bad at keeping up to date, not that I think anyone really cares about what's happening in my life but this is a good outlet for all the anger I am holding in.

 

So Friday 13th was a very important day for me as not only do I love horror, but it was B's birthday and our thing used to be the Friday the 13th franchise as well as the fact our favorite numbers (6+7=13), dam you'd think we were just meant to be wouldn't you?

 

Friday 13th was also the same day Hunter was getting back from his trip. I was very stressed that I would be sad on this day... but I came to realize that I don't have romantic feelings for B anymore... for the most part anyway.

 

So Friday came along and Ashley decided it was a smart idea to steal her friends car and drive back up to the city to go out with Hunter, his bff and me, however she ditched me last minute to go to some other party which she only told me about last minute ... she ended up getting caught out in her lie and now everyone hates her but honestly she deserves it. To her I am never good enough to hang out with or make proper plans with, like she will leave me hanging and string me along until something better comes up or with more 'popular' people. She does this to me all the time.. more on this later. Basically I did nothing and neither did B.

 

Saturday came around and Hunter wanted me to go out shopping with him and his bff who I am going to call Tyler, but Rain messaged me saying that we needed to talk so obviously I went to see him thinking the worst (I found out through FB that he still had a thing with a girl that he said he ended things with ages ago and they were/ are more serious than he made them out to be so I was mad like don't drag me into your shit). So I went to his and it was so boring, there was nothing he actually wanted to talk about, he just wanted me to come over because he was bored, but spent most of the time on his laptop. I was taking a nap (almost napping) like on the verge and he starts kissing me and things escalate but what I have come to realize is he really doesn't know how to have sex, like he doesn't know what he is doing like boy you need to warm things up first before you trying shoving stuff up because ouch, like he literally tried to shove two fingers up like ummm no (don't remember if I have mentioned before but I have biological issues in which I could never use tampons because it was so painful, I am really small and I have really sensitive skin). We ended up having very vanilla and boring sex. It hurt and it's just awkward like him and I aren't compatible at all and I think that's because we don't trust each other enough and it is just weird like it isn't hot or desired, literally like scratching an itch and I don't like it. Like with B it is a lot more vocal, not in a weird way but with Rain, it is just so silent and it is just weird, we are just not in sync at all like it is just so weird.

 

After B snapped me asking to come out to the city for his birthday which I was already going to be at since I was going clubbing with my friend Amanda but I was indifferent to see him, like it would be lovely but it also wouldn't be a loss if I didn't.

 

However, did that happen? NO. I went to the city to go to the gay club again and Hunter came with instead, I messaged B asking where he was and he just left me on seen and I saw that he was instead in the other clubbing area which was like 20 mins away??? He ignored me the entire night and he did so many drugs it was ridiculous, he blacked out and doesn't really remember the night. He is just a mess, and I don't need that and deep down I know it isn't going to get any better, he is never going to change unless he really wants to change for himself.

 

I spent the night with Hunter and it was good, we get along really well and have the best conversations and it was really good seeing him after two weeks of him being away, however we still haven't kissed and it has got to a point where it is so weird that we haven't but it would also be weird to do that? We cuddled heaps and it was nice, it was comfortable and safe but I don't know what I want, I am scared, I am so scared after how fucked I have been with B. It is just all so messy.

 

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