Confessions of a Private School Girl Entering the Real World

A diary of a private school girl's first year in the real world with real people. It's a wreck, let me just say that now, a complete and utter mess.

Contains sex, love, drugs and all things in between. Warning some people may get triggered.

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5. 10th June 2018

I can't stop thinking about him and it makes me so angry because I wish I could just forget and move on. It's 1am in the morning and I'm stalking his snapstory since he's out clubbing and I'm at home not studying for my exams that are looming.

 

I hate how life constantly changes and never really goes your way. One minute things were so good, him and I were on the same page, even began referring to him as my boyfriend but it was too good to be true and he just changed his mind and I am still completely broken over it. I honestly love him so much and I cringe using those words since it hasn't really been that long. Like come on but its true. I am scared that a part of me will always love him or be tied to him in some way. I am going insane over him. He is driving me to insanity. I did the stupidest thing this evening and I warn you that if you get triggered easily please refrain from reading this bit. I cut myself. Cutting myself generally gives me the same feeling that vodka does, it radiates this warmth and I crave it when I feel so alone and sad. Neither are healthy. I was in a bit of a state and I cut B's stupid initials into my wrist, I found it somewhat beautiful in a really fucked up way (I mean artistically like the artist who uses his own blood to create art or the blood aesthetic on pintrest not suggesting or encouraging it.)

 

Hunter has been weird, he got super controlling and has just been saying some borderline nasty things. I am already stressed enough with exams and he just doesn't help. He just makes me feel like shit, today he said that we were a thing although we haven't had that conversation. I am so conflicted and I am just too broken to deal with this. B has hurt me enough.

 

B's best friend Justin asked me to get food with him. He's so sweet and cute but more of a puppy dog adorable. I like talking to him, it is just crazy to me that he is friends with a tool like B, they are complete opposites. He is so nice and I am glad that he is involved in my life with more than he was before but it is just crazy to me that he doesn't remember me?????? The friends I have confided in believe he is just pretending so I am being careful, also because I don't want anything other than a good friendship. Honestly wish I could confide in him about B. He would be so insightful.

 

Last night I sent them both the same snapchat while they were together and they opened it at the same time and watched my story at the same time but said nothing about it. I wonder if they know. The worst thing B could ever do would be to tell Justin he should just go for it with me, that would hurt so much. That would truly break me.

 

My best friend babydoll finally lost her virginity tonight to her new boyfriend. Not many people know which I think is good since too many people had a lot to say about these two getting together since he just got out of a 5 year relationship and the week before they got together she announced she still had feelings for Rain.

 

I feel super confused and conflicted. I just want to sleep for a day less than eternity.

 

 

So it is almost 12am 11th of June and much has happened today. Things have become more complicated with Hunter who has explicitly said that him and I are a thing and that we are good together. This is something that I feel I may want to explore but at the same time I am still hung up over B and B is just everything I want. Only God knows why I even was interested in B. The song Sugarcoat by Jaira Burns is bang on with my situation with B. There is also a side to me that thinks that I would also just be settling with Hunter, not wanting to be alone after what happened and what hasn't happened with B, which is just as unhealthy. There is also the fact that I don't want to hurt him the way B has me. Ashley hates the idea of Hunter and I and she said that to Babydoll, she also got mad at me for not awkwardly untangling my hand from his since 'He doesn't deserve to be hurt by you'. She has also been bitching about my nose ring, shes so savage. She made an awful comment about Babydoll losing her virginity stating she's only known him for '5 days', which I completely get that but at the same time we can't limit a person to a time frame of when they are ready to have sex or not, I though 2 months (me) was too soon (in terms of society's thinking) but I was ready and no one should tell me otherwise or her, she was ready and she's happy. I did mention earlier I was worried how quickly she was moving but more because I don't want her to get hurt again since her ex-boyfriend was a massive asshole who threatened suicide left right and center and was so emotionally abusive towards her, he also cheated on her. I had dinner with her this evening and we were comparing sex stories, it is interesting how complicated sex makes things in relationships. Please wait until you are ready, do not be pressured by other people.

 

I think Rain may have asked me out but I am not 100% sure yet, I will keep you updated. I love how silly the names are, but it makes it more lighthearted for me to write and easier for me to be open about everything.

 

B was a manipulative asshole today. It is like he can sense when I am moving on and then hits me up reeling me right back in. I feel so out of control. His sister attempted suicide (like he did a few weeks ago which I will talk about in a few chapters back in May when I write it.) he uses suicide as a leverage for attention and sympathy which is just so disgusting. He knew I would have to reply to him which I did where he just left me on seen. He then sent me a snap chat a few hours later about how he was going to see her to which again had to reply and was left on seen. He then posted a picture of the end of her hospital bed on snap story with the location which literally screams 'MENTAL HEALTH HOSPITAL' with no explanation or caption as so people would message him to see if he is okay. I think it's just disgusting how he used her suicide attempt for attention and sympathy.  He is so emotionally abusive even once trying to blame me for a false suicide attempt which I will explain in the May chapter I will write soon.

 

I am just so tired of his endless bullshit but I too am to blame because I can't work up the nerve to block him and cut him out of my life because I am holding onto the idea that the person I met back in April is still in there somewhere. Deep down I know the truth.

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