To The Boy Who Stole More Than My Heart

This is a saga of poem-like letters I wrote to a boy who broke my heart. They're apart of a series I'm writing called "Letters That Lost Their Stamps." This series is called this because these letters are open letters. They're not for the people they're written to, and they're not meant to be read. They're meant to be felt.

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3. Dear Boy I Used To Love-The Pain

Dear boy I used to love,

I’ve already wrote you twice, so why I’m here again is unknown to me. Maybe I’m just not as over you as I thought.

I’ve gone back a lot lately. To those few days when everything fell apart. I keep trying to find out what I did wrong. I blame myself for what happened, but I don’t even know what I’m blaming myself for. What did I do besides my best?

You say I was “bossy.” Okay, I get that. I can be a little needy sometimes, and maybe what I said didn’t always come out the way I wanted it to. But-bossy? The closest I ever came to “demanding” anything from you was when I told you “Come here,” and even then, that was a request not an order. Whenever you said you, “were busy,” or “one minute,” I accepted it, didn’t I? I didn’t throw a fit, I didn’t passive aggressively ignore you, I said, “Okay.” So bossy? One, I don’t really get it, and two, you never said anything about it when we were together. Communication was what I needed from you, and I guess you just couldn’t give me that.

You also said that you “Couldn’t be yourself around me.” That one just hurts. Anyone who knows me knows I love original. I push everyone to be themselves and to do the best they can. And when it came to you? We’d had conversations time and time again about how you weren’t who you really were at school. About how you were afraid to stand up for what you believed in and about how you felt or you wouldn’t be accepted if you were yourself. So was it that you couldn’t be yourself around me? Or was it that you didn’t want to be who you really were? You would rather hide yourself and be accepted than be who you are and risk not being accepted. You could be yourself around me without a problem, just not your fake self, and that didn’t work for you.

I don’t really know why you weren’t happy with me. I did the best I could for you. All I wanted was for you to be happy, but I guess somethings just aren’t meant to be.

You admitted that towards the end of the relationship you weren’t happy but you pretended to be because I was happy. I wish you hadn’t. I wish you had been honest about your feelings. It would have made it hurt less for me. Because now? Now I don’t know what was real between us and what wasn’t. Now I go back and regret. I was so honest with you, I told you everything. And to know that when you replied you were pretending to care? To know that every sweet thing was an empty lie? It’s almost too much. You’ve made our relationship an unsolvable puzzle. If you had been honest, if you had communicated with me, I could be moving on right now. I wouldn’t still be here trying to solve the puzzle that is you and me. The puzzle that is in fact two completely different puzzles that tried to fit together and failed. Had you not lied, I would have understood. But you did lie, and you did fake your affection for me, so I’m at a loss. I don’t know how to move past this unsolvable puzzle. I can’t turn the page to the next chapter because you’ve glued the pages together. The only way to move on is to rip them apart.

I gave you everything and it wasn’t enough, but you pretended it was and in return gave me empty lies I was too eager to receive. I trusted you, even if I pretended I didn’t. I become comfortable with you and I shouldn’t have, because nothing is ever as it seems.

I’m angry, so angry that this happened, that you lied and that I believed you. I’m mad at myself for doing whatever it was that made you change your mind about me and I’m mad at you for not being brave enough to deal with your problems. I’m angry, but more than anything I’m sad.

I’m sad I lost you, sad that things didn’t go the way we planned. I’m sad that you didn’t feel like you couldn’t talk to me about the problems and I’m sad to know that maybe I wouldn’t have listened anyway. I’m sad to have to let you go, and with you the little happiness I had begun to maintain.

I’m going to do it though. I’m going to let go of my anger and let go of you. I’m going to realize that I’ll be worth it to the right guy. I’m going to learn to treat you like any ordinary person. And most of all, I’m going to learn to love myself for me.

I always do my best for people. That’s something I can say honestly and proudly. And if my best isn’t good enough for someone like you? That’s not my problem. I have a long way to go. I’m not perfect, but I’ve learned that I’m only responsible for one side of things. If someone like you refuses to pull their own weight, if they refuse to communicate and work with me to make things better? That’s not something I can control. And having a lack of control? After dating you I’ve never been so happy not to be in control of everything.

If you’ve done anything, you’ve taught me to accept things more, and I thank you for that.

Maybe this will be my last letter to you, or maybe it won’t be. Either way I’m glad I wrote it. It made this unsolvable puzzle a little more solvable, put some things into perspective, and helped me let you go a little more.

Hopeful I’ll continue to let you go,

Girl Letting Go

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