The unreal truth behind lies

From the unspoken, the other side of the conversation. Truth with lies and unknowable facts with hiding meaning of nothing.


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1. "I didn't want to lose you, by what I have done"

The song keep reminding me of that day, 
Almost pulling me back to the late afternoon, I, for the last time got the chance of having some kind of conversion with him.
I remember how hard it was to pull myself together, just to write that text to him.
And when he answered and agreed to meet so we could talk, I was thinking " maybe it is just stupid rumors." 
I had hopes, I wanted to believe that all the shit I heard around me, really wasn't coming from his lips.
I wanted it to be rumors from people who just didn't want us to get along.
That was what I use to wish for! 
That him and me could still get along, even after we both had moved on and found us someone new, to be our special someone.
That was once my wish......
...

But the truth was standing there, right in front of me, so my own eyes could see it clearly.
I was already cold, from the waiting.
We had made a agreement, about time by text.
We agreed to meet a well-known place, between twenty / twenty-one o'clock.
I showed up thirty minutes before twenty o'clock, just to make sure that, if he would show up early then i would be there already.
..He showed up, a little over twenty-one o'clock ..
I was freezing and the car I was driving there to in, had problems with the heat system.
But I remember that even so I was cold and freezing, I was happy to see him - to hear him speak.
For a second I felt like I had my best~friend back!
But...
That was also only for a second, then reality started to hit me in my face.
It was so hard to be in front of him, saying I'm sorry for almost everything - I almost apologised for being alive! That's how much to the edge I was standing that late afternoon .
I wanted so badly to give him a hug, and tell him "i miss talking to you, I miss seeing you smile and laugh when I do stupid thing" 
I wanted to scream " I MISS MY BEST-FRIEND! THE GUY THAT KNEW, I WOULDN'T LIE TO HIM AND HIM THAT'S SOMETHING SPECIAL WITH HIS BIG HEART AND KINDNESS!!!" 
Instead I talked and apologised that day, about things that was related to what I had heard from the rumors.
Hoping that he wouldn't let me take blame, for almost all kind of pain in the world.
Of course I apologised also for things that was actual my fault and blame to take.
But the rest, was so he could clear his own name.
So I would know what was the truth and what was just lies.
I just didn't expect that it was the truth, and he didn't have to clear his name - for it was from him it started.
What I saw that day, was Crystal clear.
With words and his body language, I finally saw with my own eyes - how much he hated me and was wishing me gone.
How much he blamed me for the pain he had at that time and for the wrongs that had happened for him.
Hearing him standing there, telling me how I was doing things to mess up his life and make him feel misabled.
When he was telling me all that, I felt bad.
Cuz that would mean, in the fourteen months, we had been dating before that? That was what my head keept telling me that I did.
How I was a bad girlfriend and fucked up all the time, Never doing it good enough or at the right time.
The voices in my head screaming all these things at me back then, to then hearing them coming from his mouth, was like being slapped with a chair of steel in the face.
I was holding with all my power, back the tears.
As he kept on talking, the thoughts of it just being rumors, was no longer existing. 
But the reason for us to meet each other again that day, was so I could get a closing and let go of the memories. So all the "drama", mistrust, hurtful words and speaking behind backs could end, and the hell of being in it, could turn to peace instead.
But no....

 

...

 

If I didn't know better, I would have thought that, he did everything he could with his words, so i would break down to the last piece.
So I wouldn't get up again, but instead just disappeared, from this world of his.
...
And he almost got me there.
If it wasn't because that, all he in the end actually did that day, was telling me that I was right back then when we were still together.
Telling me that I was a hell to be with back then, and how happy he is to have gotten away from this and me.
...
After some time, I knew I couldn't hold back the tears, so i ended the conversation with " I don't think I have more to say, but thank you for coming out here so we could talk" .
His car only got around the corner before my legs gives in and I felt to the cold ground.
The tears falling and I couldn't hold it back for a second more, I knew I had lost one of my best friends.
I was hated by that one person who promised me a long time ago, that he would leave me behind or push me again. 
The one who was the one who said, he would always believe me, and also knew I wouldn't really lie to him.
He gave up on me as a friend, even leaving "footprint" of the steps he did on me.
I was so stupid, thinking that he wouldn't go, even so he was one of them, who was there for me when I got abruesd. 
Still the day today it hurts, even now I hear his words over and over everyone I tried my best in something.
Will I ever get pass this when I feel so weak?
"I have to try my best!!"

 

     _______.         ________ .

`Does it make sense? 
No? I can understand that..
As she is in pain and her head keep making her hear that man's words over and over again - she's slowly starting to believe, that she is the worst of the worst and don't deserve a place here in anyone's life.
Because of one person, who meant the world to her, stopped believe in her and pushed her aside when her actions seems like they were meant to create chaos and harm.
But she didn't want to make it hard for him, she just was really bad to think the actions through before doing them.

In the end he got her down, and took the last of hope and believes she had in herself.
Gone in her own insanity and world of destruction.
Will he be happy, when he hears, that she has taking the last step over the edge, disappearing after the last breath leaves her lungs. tears drying into her cold skin, so nobody sees she's been crying because her mind was a mess.
Just because she cared? That for her! - His voice and meaning mattered.
If she had done like him and just didn't care about the other one, she wouldn't had to fight her own mind because of some words being said by someone who couldn't care less for her life.
So the blame and nightmare of being the worst monster herself, haunted to much, for a woman who already had to much on her mind, to much pain already. 
She must have felt lost when she lost that one person she had let get close to her, turned and walked away, after he made her worst nightmare about herself into reality. `

`sometimes the glass is filled, so just one more drop, makes it overflowed. 
How far should someone push themself to save the water in the glass, when it's overflowing?`

`how much pain is allowed to throwing back if one person feels hurt? 
And what if it to late to change the damages that has been costed ? 
Of course we act in defence and sometimes say hurtful words and throwing stuff at each other when we ourself is hurt! 
But how long will you wait, to speak up and said what you mean and didn't meant? 
Or will you wait to it's to late and feel bad about it?
Defend your rights but don't pull someone in a grave, to get there. ` 

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